Fat Asian Baby

All Apologies

2007-12-17T14:23:00.001-05:00

So, in case you haven't noticed, Fat Asian Baby seems to be on an indefinite hiatus, despite the pathetic trickle of posts since we officially announced the demise of this blog. In the meantime, we're moonlighting from time to time over here.

Wait, Is This Ironic?

2007-08-24T16:07:00.000-04:00

Oh man. The commentary is all kinds of amazing. Wait for it.

(Thank you Gothamist)

Humbling

2007-08-23T14:42:00.000-04:00

When you have to ask the three year old which way to put on his nighttime diaper, and then he has to show you the correct way to fasten the tabs, which turns out, are velcro.

Who knew?

Camping for Dummies

2007-08-20T09:12:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gents, let FAB introduce Glamping*, or, uh, glamorous camping. To us regular folk, that's camping for the ridiculously and stupidly rich (or magic folk). Now you don't have to bother with the pesky task of making s'mores yourself. Glamping comes with a personal chef! And a butler!

"Many people are glamping. I'd say the more sophisticated traveler who wants something different, something a little more meaningful. They want to get back in touch with nature, but they certainly don't want to have to go out hiking in the woods to do it."

For serious! The lady in the video actually said that.

*So, aside from the seriously derisive chuckle this gave us and that disgusting feeling of smug superiority, is any one else irritated by the alarming proliferation of cutesy hybrid names (Hi Brangelina!!) by shamelessly lazy (or cutesy) bloggers and freelancers such as, well, FAB?

Yums

2007-08-15T16:03:00.000-04:00

FAB shall be closely monitoring the outcome of this scientific study.
Indeed.
Like Gridskipper's Chris Mohney , FAB is also partial to the artificial orange yumminess of the original Kraft version and, try as we might, have never really taken to the much-lauded organic Annie's variety, despite enticing shapes such as Bunnies(!) and the like.
And all this talk of mac 'n' cheese reminds us, certain friends of ours are partaking in the Munchy Macaroni 'n' Cheese Fritters at FAB Atlanta fave Agnes & Muriels. Beware, "friends" if you do not bring some of the aforementioned fritters back with you to New York to share with those less fortunate than you, we may have to seriously reevaluate our relationship.

Outstanding

2007-08-14T20:40:00.000-04:00

Cats Vs. Galoshes, A Narrative in Pictures

2007-08-06T23:19:00.000-04:00

Something Free Just for You

2007-08-01T13:35:00.000-04:00

Listen up New York City rockstars, The Deli Magazine has just launched free online listings for NYC-based musicians. It's like Craigslist except much much better. You can search by genre or instrument! No stupid spam! Check out the music without opening the ad! Secure! Fewer assholes just trying to get laid!
If you're not familiar with The Deli Magazine, it is a magazine for and about New York City indie rock musicians. If you can happen to scam an actual copy at your neighborhood venue, pat yourself on the pack. They're free and practically limited edition. The magazine's website is quickly becoming the go-to resource for the city's many, many, many, many musicians and would-be musicians (Hi Williamsburgers!). FAB definitely recommends checking it oot.

RIP KFC

2007-07-30T15:24:00.000-04:00

World, why have you hitherto kept FAB in the dark about The Dante Fried Chicken Show? That is just cruel, and, to be perfectly honest, a bit rude. I mean, hello, it's FRIED. CHICKEN. FRIED. They probably have beer there too. Mercifully, someone finally just let FAB in on the not-so-secret secret. We wonder if perhaps we can convert Dante to Judaism and get him to propose before the next Show...

Atlanta Is Freakin' Dangerous, Y'all

2007-07-30T14:42:00.000-04:00

Anybody who has spent any time with FAB in the last three years has probably heard about how oddly dangerous we found life in Atlanta to be. While we spent nearly our entire life in the NY metro area, we'd never been the victim of a physical crime here*, nor had anyone we known save for someone's sister who was mugged after midnight in Riverside Park. However, in just three years of living in the A, we knew of at least 4 people who had been robbed at either gun- or knife-point in ostensibly non-sketchy areas, had our car broken into in OUR OWN DRIVEWAY, had our car totaled by a hit-and-run probably drunk-off-their-gourd-driver, heard about a neighborhood bartender being shot to death in a mugging across the street from our office, and now Deerhunter's Bradford Cox was robbed at gunpoint on one of the sidestreets by Lenny's, a venue we frequented one to two times a week. In a rare display of caution, the one time FAB was forced to park on one of these dimly lit sidestreets outside Lenny's, we actually had a guy walk us back to our car. We'd like to pretend we were doing this for our safety, but in reality, we were just trying to score some drugs from him and figured we'd kill two birds with one stone by asking him to walk us to our car. Bradford posted the following bulletin on his MySpace account over the weekend:

We got a friendly homecoming suprise last night in Atlanta when Lockett and I got robbed at gunpoint after our show at Lenny's last night. We literally had just walked off the stage and I was pretty wasted. Lockett was trying to take care of me and get me home. He grabbed my guitar and my stuff and we walked to his car which was parked about a block away from Lenny's because it was so crowded. I heard a commotion behind us but like I said I was pretty out of it. I just opened the door to the car and collapsed in the passenger seat. Then I heard all this yelling and I hear this loud metallic banging on the window and look up and there is a gun in my face and a guy yelling "get the fuck out the car man" I stumbled out and see the other guy has Lockett with his arms spread on the roof of his car and is patting him down. Lockett was begging them to leave me alone. The guy put his gun up to my temple and said "give me EVERYTHING motherfucker I aint fucking with you" I just mumbled something and he put his hands in my pants and took everything I had. My cellphone, my wallet (empty except for credit / bank cards which kristin immidietly cancelled, and about 450 dollars in cash I had for my rent.) They also got all of Lockett's money. They even took my fucking Camel Ultralights and Orange Bic. All I can say is that I'm glad we are not dead. Or more specifically, I am REALLY glad they didn't hurt Lockett. He was just trying to help me get home and would not have even been there at that time otherwise.

Scary.
Apparently the APD is too busy harassing the wheelchair-bound and shooting up old ladies to give two shits about petty violent crime or hit-and-run drunk drivers**.

*FAB actually experienced her first near-mugging last month when walking back to FABBro's house in Brooklyn at 3:30 in the morning. Some guy walked up behind FAB and growled, "Hey lady, give me your purse!" several times before it dawned on FAB that dude was maybe talking to us and probably wasn't joking - as we'd initially assumed, given the absurdity of the situation - since we didn't think we knew him and it really wasn't very funny anyway. We weren't quite sure what to do since it seemed like a pretty odd way to try and rob someone and furthermore our keys, wallet, toothbrush, cell phone, clean undies, and other assorted necessities were in the much-beloved Marc Jacobs Stella bag the Would-Be Mugger was referring to, so we opted to treat this situation like any other when an unknown person talks to us on the street or bar: Ignore Ignore Ignore. After all, if we were deaf, we wouldn't have even known someone was trying to rob us in the first place. Eventually, we passed a bodega and dude gave up and went inside. FAB wonders whether this experience prematurely ended the Would-Be Mugger's presumably lackluster mugging career due to the shame of being thwarted by the silent treatment.

**Which prompted us to send the following curmudgeonly letter to Mayor Shirley Franklin:

Dear Mayor Franklin:

As the victim of two crimes within Atlanta city limits within a period of about six months, I have had several encounters with the Atlanta Police Department. Unfortunately, the result of these interactions has led me to question the seriousness of purpose of the APD on both the individual and departmental levels. On early Saturday morning of Memorial Day weekend, my vehicle was struck by a hit-and-run driver who ran the light at the intersection of Briarcliff/Moreland and Ponce De Leon with enough speed to total my vehicle, turn it 180 degrees, crash it head-on into a bus shelter and send parts of my car flying more than 20 feet across the intersection. Given that the accident took place at around 4 a.m. on the first night of a holiday weekend, it seems likely that the driver of the other vehicle may have been intoxicated. However, despite having serendipitously arrived on the scene less than a minute after the accident occurred, the reporting officer made no attempt to pursue the driver or investigate the crime (leaving the scene of an accident) or crimes (and driving under the influence) that had been committed.

Subsequent calls to the Atlanta Police Department and to the officer himself resulted in one hang up and an unreturned call, respectively. Before hanging up the phone mid-conversation, an employee at the APD asked “Do you know how many hit-and-run accidents there are in Atlanta each year?” as though the prevalence of the crime excused the Department’s failure to investigate. When asked whether the implied systematic failure of the APD to actively investigate hit-and-run accidents may be related to the prevalence of the crime, the call was abruptly terminated.

Early Friday morning, my (new) car was broken into while parked in my driveway, a crime interrupted and partially witnessed by a vigilant neighbor. Because the car only sustained relatively minor damage (a shattered door window), the reporting officer, D. Willcot, declined to file a police report and at no point indicated he would be interested in questioning my neighbor about what she had seen. He patiently explained that car windows are broken all the time in Atlanta, my insurance would not cover the damage, and therefore there was no purpose in filing a report. I requested numerous times that a report be filed regardless of my insurance deductible or any such matters that should have been outside the realm of his concern. He assured me that the Atlanta Police Department NEVER bothers filing reports for broken car windows, which would indicate that such crimes are neither investigated nor prosecuted, which itself more than tacitly implies that one shouldn’t even bother calling the police in such cases. After a final plea that the officer file the report regardless, if for no other reason that to indulge me with an official piece of paper stating that a crime had, in fact, been committed, the officer reluctantly complied (case number ***********). Over the weekend, I discovered that four other people I know have had car windows smashed within the same square block of my home within the last six months, and mine was the only one for which a report was actually filed. The prevalence of a crime is no reason for it to be ignored.

To their credit, both of these officers were courteous and ostensibly helpful. I do appreciate that the APD is likely understaffed and underfunded, like many public services, and that there are many, more serious crimes committed within its jurisdiction. My experience with the hit-and-run accident would suggest that the APD is at best lazy and at worst negligent. After the second experience, I can’t help but wonder if it is official Department policy to coerce unsuspecting crime victims and underreport our city’s less glamorous yet apparently rampant crimes as a means of artificially deflating the city’s crime statistics? Further, what message do these failures send about the supposed seriousness of law enforcement in this city?

Sincerely,

Fat Asian Baby

Feeling a Bit Fragile

2007-07-25T15:33:00.000-04:00

Well I've done it. I've finally finished Harry Potter. I think I shall sit in the corner now and be pensive for the next few hours.

Incoming

2007-07-24T14:13:00.000-04:00

...And apparently our little girl is back to doing what she does best. And that would be DUI, possession of cocaine, transporting a narcotic into a custodial facility, and driving on a suspended license. We feel ya, Lindsay-boo. Really, we do. (Via Goldenfiddle, Via TMZ)

Ce Soir

2007-07-24T13:53:00.000-04:00

MoMA's PopRally summer party for the untragically hip young artsy party people continues tonight with Paper Rad, Cory Arcangel, and Slow Jams Band. Plus, you can check out new exhibits Automatic Update and Our Second Date.
Tonight from 8PM-11PM @ MoMA

The Happy Pirate people behind LVHRD bring you the latest installment in the Master-Disaster Duel series, PHTHRD, this time at some kind of secret location deep in the heart of DUMBO. According to Flavorpill,

For the event, the quasi-secret club plucked five NYC photogs — from prolific cover-artist Phillip Toledano to the, erm, uninhibited duo Kate & Camilla and wily cad-about-town, photoblogger Igor — paired them with top stylists (with résumés full of Vogue and Vanity Fair), and tonight lets the teams loose on various models for two hours of competition.

For more details (and this sounds amazing), register with LVHRD.

FAB+NYPD+Alcohol = Big Frown

2007-07-24T13:13:00.000-04:00

Exhibit A: Fat Asian Baby was kicking it outside a retail store on Orchard St. just north of Stanton, listening to music, hanging out with friends on a bench, and drinking a 40 ouncer of Olde English 800 fine malt liquor in a brown paper bag because that's just the sort of classy gal FAB is. Well, all was well and good. Several cop cars rolled by, but as anyone who has been to the Lower East Side in the last 5+ years can attest, it is like a bacchanalia of poorly dressed Bridge and Tunnel Brigades, some local color, and a few wayward hipsters. In other words, there is interesting shit going on, but FAB was not some of that interesting shit. Or so we thought. The officers* in the fifth cop car to drive by FAB's mini-festivity decided, for whatever reason, that it was time to kick a little ass. I won't bore you with the details of the takedown except to say that these two officers took their jobs extreeeeeeeemely seriously. And when people take their jobs extreeeeeeeeeeeeemely seriously and their extreeeeeeeemely serious job happens to involve interrogating round-faced malt-liquor drinking asian ladies as to whether they're packing heat and/or explosives, it is hard for some of us not to laugh. Except that laughing in the face of those who take their jobs extreeeeemely seriously as they perform their extreeeeeeeeemely serious jobs does not necessarily improve their normally sunny dispositions. At any rate, FAB can either pay $25 for violating silly open container laws or appear in Criminal Court at 9:30AM on October 2nd. Oh yeah, and they made fun of me for being from Georgia**.

Exhibit B: As you may have guessed, FAB attended the Siren Festival at Coney Island on Saturday. Because FABBro works in the music biz, FAB, FABBro, and FABNephew were going to kick it in the VIP tent area behind the Stillwell Stage. The VIP tent area of the exclusive port-o-potty access and open bar. Yeah. Until security wouldn't let FABNephew through because it was 21-and-up only. By order of the NYPD. Now, as much as drinking laws are a pain in the ass, yes we understand that, in theory, one should be 21 (or have documentation suggesting as much) to get in. But FAB did not see security/NYPD card a single person in the VIP tent so they couldn't have been that worried about underagers accidentally touching alcohol to their virgin lips. And, well, FABNephew, in addition to not being 21 yet, is also not yet 3 and was in FABBro's arms. I mean, really, how much of an underage drinking risk does an almost 3-year-old really pose? Feh.

*And these two officers happened to be Asian. We're not sure where we're trying to go with that, but I mean TWO Asian cops and a Fat Asian Baby walk into a bar...
**It took FAB until last summer to make the legal change from New York resident to Georgia resident so we think we'll try it out for a while. At least on paper.

In entirely unrelated news, this website that M. just sent us is v. v. cute. And we mean that in the most sickeningly earnest way.

Brief Interlude

2007-07-24T12:15:00.000-04:00

We've finally managed to get our sticky paws on a copy of Harry Potter. We'll be back in a bit.

Ear Notes: Back in the NYC, Baby

2007-07-20T13:25:00.000-04:00

Man, it's been a long ass time since our last Ear Notes installment. A year and a half at least, right? Anyway, the new fatasianbaby.com is still a work in progress and we're not sure exactly what we're gonna be posting* and when, but here's some stuff to tide you over till at least Monday. And man is there ever stuff.

First order of business: The Siren Festival! Hot Dogs, The Cyclone, rock stars, hipsters, blipsters, yupsters, hot dogs, and sand castles. What more do you want. Well, actually, I could go for some more public toilets, but we hope that will come with the much-hyped Coney Island redevelopment. Anyway, FAB recommends checking out Atlanta natives The Black Lips along with Dr. Dog, Matt & Kim, The Detroit Cobras, and of course, New York Dolls. Shit starts going down at Saturday at noon. For full lineup and information, go to the Siren Music Festival web page.

Tonight we have a bunch of shows that will probably be some shade of awesome.
Neko Case is doing a free show at Summerstage with Eric Bachmann.

Marissa Nadler is part of an extensive lineup at the Church of Messiah in Greenpoint as part of Heeb Magazine's Diamond Days Festival.

The aforementioned Black Lips and Turbo Fruits, one of many great rock bands coming out of Nashville (yeah, you heard me. Great rock bands in Nashville) these days, will be playing at Silent Barn.

Hometown indie heroes Bishop Allen will be doing a free show at South Street Seaport with Canadians Rock Plaza Central.

And Gogol Bordello will be at Irving Plaza, which FAB has recently learned is now called The Fillmore New York at Irving Plaza. Bleh.

Saturday night, if you're still kicking after hitting Coney Island, head over to the Bowery Ballroom The Ponys, Jay Reatard, and Turbo Fruits.

Later in the evening, The Juan Maclean will be doing a DJ set over at Studio B in Brooklyn.

Sunday Sunday Sunday!
Brazilian Girls will be playing a free show in the afternoon at Summerstage.

Band of Horses (Hi Joan!), Annuals, and Oxford Collapse will be at the hipster hoedown at McCarren Pool. FAB thinks this is one of the strongest Pool Party lineups all summer so definitely throw on your dodgeball outfit and head on over. If you're not familiar with Raleigh, North Carolina's Annuals yet, you can read all about 'em here.
*It remains to be seen how much coverage we'll be able to give the awesome Atlanta scene, only for lack of time and energy.

A Tale of Two Starches: A Play in Two Parts

2007-07-20T12:52:00.000-04:00

Characters: FAB, FABMommy, Bagels
Setting: FAB House, Thursday, July 19, 12PM
ACT I
FABMommy: Here FAB, I bought you some bagels and some bread for sandwiches. Do you want to come eat lunch?
Enter Bagels Stage Left
FAB: Oh I didn't know you were getting those. I already ate an english muffin for lunch.
END SCENE

Setting: FAB House, Friday, July 20, 1PM
ACT II
FAB eats a bagel.
Twenty minutes pass.
FABMommy: FAB, want to come downstairs and eat tuna with capers with me?
FAB: I already had lunch.
FABMommy: But you just had a bagel.
FAB: Right, that bagel I just ate 20 minutes ago - that was my lunch. I don't want to eat again.
FABMommy: Well you really should stop with the starches and eat some other things. It's not healthy. You need...
FAB: I'm not hungry. But thanks.
Exeunt FABMommy.
END SCENE

UPDATE/PSA

2007-07-20T12:32:00.000-04:00

Benchpressing even the most pliable cat is not nearly as easy or fruitful as one might have hoped. Unfortunately, the easiest way to get a handle on an exercise cat is to clutch it behind the arms and in front of the legs with the limbs dangling downward. However, in this orientation, one can only lower the cat about halfway before the dangling appendages prevent further downward motion. FAB suggests removing the limbs before the next rep unless you can get a good grip on the cat with the arms and legs parallel to the ground or even facing upwards towards the ceiling.
Alternatively, kittens can probably be employed as free weights, one in each hand, without any alterations or mess.

Srebenica, Revisited

2007-07-19T17:54:00.000-04:00

Boing Boing has an exerpt and link to Jasmina Tešanović's thoughts after revisiting Srebenica 12 years after the horrific massacre.

FAB was there for the 10th anniversary and commented on all the coverage then. A couple of years have passed and a few more war criminals have been apprehended, but we're not convinced that those who live in that area are significantly more at ease than they were 2 or even 12 years ago.

POP Montreal Lineup

2007-07-19T17:36:00.000-04:00

Goodness, there's just so much to tell you. Apparently the kids behind POP Montreal are sticking one toe and out of the closet with a lineup teaser, which as far as we're concerned is neat but is kinda like flashing a 13-year-old boy and then running away. But anyway, over 300 artists will perform at the multi-day. Highlights will include Patti Smith, Cody Chesnutt, Fujiya & Miyagi, Caribou, Chromeo, Sunset Rubdown, among others.
Pop Montreal takes place in Montreal (DUH) October 3-7, 2007. There'll be music. film. fashion. art. and poutine. Mmmm poutine...
What more do you want?

For tickets and information, go to the POP Montreal website.

Modest Mouse Tour Dates

2007-07-19T17:23:00.000-04:00

Photo by Aaron Farrington

So as the first official order of business on fatasianbaby.com v2.0 (which you may notice looks suspiciously like fatasianbaby.com v1.0, and that's quite alright) we'd like to present you with the following possibly useful information:

Modest Mouse Tour Dates
01-Aug Morrison, CO Red Rocks Amphitheatre
03-Aug Kansas City, MO City Market
04-Aug Baltimore, MD Virgin Festival @ Pimlico Race Course
05-Aug Chicago, IL Lollapalooza @ Grant Park
11-Aug Tokyo, JPN Summer Sonic
12-Aug Osaka, JPN Summer Sonic
15-Aug Columbus, OH Lifestyle Communities Pavilion
16-Aug Cleveland, OH Time Warner Cable Amphitheater
17-Aug Northampton, MA Pines Theater at Look Park
18-Aug Mansfield, MA Download Festival at Tweeter Center
19-Aug Philadelphia, PA Festival Pier @ Penn's Landing
21-Aug Louisville, KY Coyotes
22-Aug Nashville, TN Ryman Auditorium
25-Aug George, WA Download Festival at The Gorge
27-Aug Troutdale, OR Edgefield
31-Aug Stradbally (Ireland) Electric Picnic
01-Sep Inveraray (Scotland) Connect Festival
03-Sep London, UK The Forum
05-Sep Amsterdam, NL Melkweg
06-Sep Hamburg, DE Fabrik
08-Sep Brooklyn, NY McCarren Park Pool
10-Sep Orem, UT McKay Events Center
16-Sep San Francisco, CA Treasure Island Music Festival

So apparently MM hates New York. Whatever.
For tickets and information go to their web page.

Gym Class Hero

2007-07-19T16:34:00.000-04:00

Sure Fat Asian Baby hasn't attempted anything that looks to outsiders like "exercise" in, oh, four or five years, but we were thinking about possibly considering the contemplation of doing something productive whilst wallowing away in our unemployment. Everyone has said just start small and it won't be so bad. To which we usually turn our fat head and start talking to the person on our other side. But nay, maybe there is wisdom somewhere. In there. Maybe.
Which brings us to this brilliant superimposed lightbulb five minutes ago:

"Maybe I should try bench pressing my cat."

But we think the FABKitty perhaps heard our thoughts* because no sooner did we settle upon this new exercise regime did he casually walk out of the room.

Whatever, Kitty, whatever.

*They say that cats can empathize with your, uh, feelings and stuff.

Keep It In Your Pants, Please

2007-07-17T16:06:00.001-04:00

Dear World (Media, I'm talking to you, in particular),

When the heavily anticipated Harry Potter conclusion releases at the end of this week, please please please please please KEEP IT TO YOUR DAMN SELF. Fat Asian Baby is nothing if not cheap and slow. We will be reading the final installment probably as a fourth or fifth person handmedown from either Hey Mama or Former Roommate D.
FAB has had a rather difficult time avoiding Sopranos spoilers as we have yet to catch up on the last 2 1/2 seasons. Since we've only viewed about 2 Sopranos seasons in order and in their near entirety, we were hoping to rent the entire series on Netflix, begin at the beginning, and end at the ending, possibly in one dark weekend (kinda like how we watched the entire Godfather trilogy one weekend when our stupid exbf was on tour).
Even as we frantically navigated away from our news-related homepage (alternately NYTimes.com and Google News),changed the channel to avoid any late night talk show discussion of the ended, walked out of the room when NPR chimed in, dissecting the conclusion, we still know that the series ends in an ambiguous fade to black thanks to its role as a ubiquitous cultural reference artfully slipped into articles we naively thought safe to read (about advertising culture, about politics, about food, you name it). So thanks for that. Really.
But if FAB sleepily turns on the computer/opens up the newspaper/channel surfs by CNN only to be assaulted by frantic headlines like "Potter Defeats Voldemort. Teen Wizard Dies," we will probably start foaming at the mouth as our eyeballs roll inward to examine the backside of the pea-sized FAB brain before spontaneously popping out of the sockets and rolling under the table or through the door light old cheesy meatballs of yore. In other words, WE WILL NOT BE PLEASED!
Got it?

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX,

Fat Asian Baby

P.S. I could totally go for a super cold half-sour dill pickle, sliced in half.

Reason #3762 Why FAB Hearts Mario Batali

2007-06-13T01:22:00.000-04:00

"People finally realize that fat is truly delicious, particularly pork fat.”Amen, brother.

If anybody needs me, I'll be the one sprawled out under the table with grease casually dribbling down my chin.

Over and out.

And Speaking of G-A-Y...

2007-04-25T15:03:00.000-04:00

The AFA (American Family Association) has sent out a one-question survey asking, "If a corporation supports the homosexual agenda*, would you:

Be more likely to do business with that company

Be less likely to do business with that company

It would not affect my buying decision

Naturally, The AFA is expecting an overwhelming majority of respondents to say that they would be "less-likely" to do business with a company if they knew it supported the "homosexual agenda." So far, they are getting the results they're looking for, confirming what they already think. (Duh!) Of course, they are only sending it where they will get the expected results.

So what's the game? Let's fuck with them a little. Let's change the outcome by completing the ONE question survey.

Just make sure you use an email address you keep for junk mail. Otherwise you'll have to send a blank "unsubscribe" mail to them to stay off their mailing list.

*Um, so, like, what is the homosexual agenda anyway? Washboard abs for all? Accessible interior design principles? Butt sex? What?

Praise the Lord!

2007-04-24T12:32:00.000-04:00

When we checked our email first thing this morning, FAB was delighted to discover an email announcing tour dates for Mika, who, as anyone who's been within ear- or email-shot of FAB within the last two months knows, is The New Gay* Hotness. To put this in terms you, dear reader, might understand, we actually sent an email to our gym, yes, for some reason we actually belong to a gym, and told them that they should pick up the new album, Life in Cartoon Motion, the day it came out cause it actually almost made us feel like we wanted to get our cardio on. We even had his single, "Grace Kelly" rocking the MySpace page for about a month, just because it made FAB want to get up and do a little dance behind the desk...and that's no small feat, my friends.
It was as if God had dropped a little present into our inbox just to make us smile.

Anyway, listen up folks, Mika will be hitting both New York AND Atlanta this June.

Fri. June 15 New York/ Nokia Theater
Sat. June 16 Atlanta/ Center Stage

We're a little technologically retarded, so while we try and figure out how to post mp3s on this here blog, check out his MySpace. And pick up yer tickets. This is gonna be awesome.

*This is by no means a definitive statement on Mika's sexuality, per se. It's all about the music. It is G-A-Y. And so v. v. awesome.

Post Secret @ UGA

2007-04-16T14:04:00.000-04:00

If you're gonna be in Athens tomorrow, you should definitely check this out. Frank Warren, the man behind Post Secret, will be speaking and then having a book signing. The event is sponsored by Nuci's Space for the 2nd Annual Depression and Suicide Awareness Week. Post Secret is one of FAB's most favorite websites

Local Music Tidbits

2007-04-11T11:24:00.001-04:00

Has the backlash begun?

UPDATE:

2007-04-04T15:59:00.000-04:00

Apparently Newton North is like the Scarsdale High School of the North. Except that they bus in colored people to make it, like, diverse or something.

Newsflash: FAB is a Snobby JAP

2007-04-03T14:32:00.000-04:00

Fat Asian Baby recently became privy to the fact that she, along with two of her best friends in Atlanta, were collectively referred to as East Cobb Snobs. Now, not being native to the Atlanta metropolitan area, we weren't totally familiar with all the finer nuances that this term actually implied, though we had a pretty good idea that it was gonna be fairly awesome.
So we looked it up on urbandictionary.com where we learned the following:

Now, we think we may have mentioned at one point in time or another that, in reality, FAB actually hails from a wee village in Westchester County called Scarsdale.* The beauty of all this East Cobb Snobbery business is that, according to urbandictionary.com, being from Scarsdale trumps East Cobb from, like, every direction, position, and penetrable orifice.

And

And FAB's personal favorite:

So despite appearing more like what others might label urban hipster poseur, there was no fooling that rather perceptive Atlantan flinging locally colorful slurs upon deaf ears; you can take the girl out of Scarsdale but you can't take the Scarsdale out of, oh whatever.

Boom.

*Actually, FAB is not really FROM Scarsdale. We actually grew up on the wrong side of the tracks (in multi-racial and socioeconomically diverse White Plains. Boo!) but did go K-12 in the Scarsdale Public School system, so we're probably scoring pretty high on the snob-o-meter regardless.

An Open Letter to G-d

2007-03-29T17:14:00.000-04:00

Dear G-d who art in heaven, or wherever,

Please please please send me one of these teeny tiny horses for my birthday (April 27, in case you forgot). I was trying to arrange a group field trip to Talladega Superspeedway because the idea of tailgating at 8 in the morning out the hatchback of my Toyota Prius is all kinds of awesome, but I would honestly consider sacrificing the holy awesomeness of this trip if you could deliver unto me one of these. Just imagine how cool I'd be tooling around lower Manhattan with one of these furry little guys. Way cooler than all those titwads with their toy whatevers in their Herve Chapelier bags I tell you.

Seriously.
Please.
Please please please please please.

Many thanks.
Your humble servant,

Fat Asian Baby

P.S. What's the deal with the size of Devorah's head? Judging from her given name, she is one of your chosen people, but looking at her oversized gourd one would think she had displeased you in some way.

P.P.S. While my desire for a guide horse is totally in earnest, please do not interpret this to mean that I also desire to become visually impaired. Just thought I should be clear about that. Kthxby.

P.P.P.S. Oh. Also G-d, considering that most people who are in the market for a guide horse are, in fact, visually impaired, don't you think it's kinda mean that the font on the website's links are so v. v. tiny. I mean, even I had trouble reading most of it.

A Vignette for the New Millenium: This is totally gonna bust up the space-time continuum. The part where the conversation leads into the now, that is.

2007-03-09T15:19:00.000-05:00

Setting: The internets. The chat function, more specifically.

Fat Asian Baby: following friends to the gay bar last night at 1 was the wrong decision. do not feel so super awesome

Smokie LePlume: funny. everyone i have talked to today is hungover. myself included. what is our problem? but i got tanked on a half bottle of wine and a beer, so i'm not overly bloated

FAB: i can't tell if i'm hungover, in the traditionall sense. or just really really tired

SLP: we like drinking

FAB: i mean, i just don't feel good

SLP: but

FAB: but

SLP: really

FAB: it's not like i'm gonna vom. or my head. i just don't feel good

SLP: i'm kind of tired of it. like, it tires me out to drink these days

FAB: want to lay down. and go to sleep

SLP: yeah. and watch movies. the fact that drinking is too much energy to expend for me indicates that i am the laziest person around

FAB: yeah. me too though. i am so lazy. i wish this was a marketable asset

SLP: maybe if you made a streaming video of yourself being lazy you would blow up on the internet

FAB: maybe. but i'm not sure about its relative entertainment value

SLP: that's where the music comes in

FAB: ooooh. i mean, i actually feel like laziness should be a marketable asset

SLP: i wholeheartedly agree

FAB: because it forces me to be efficient. i am a master of efficiency because i don't like wasting my energy if i don't have to. so i always find the shortest way from a to b. ie: if i don't HAVE to go to a class to still do ok, i don't. or if i don't HAVE to read a certain book to write a paper, i don't. i find the easiest way to do stuff, with the least energy expenditure and then i do it that way. that should be marketable

SLP: right. now you just have to find a way to reason how you use that time saved

FAB: oooh. but who cares how i spend it. the only salient point is that time was saved. and time is money. and energy is money. so i am saving both time and energy, which is like 2(money). hmm. wonder if i should put this in a cover letter. ha.

SLP: yeah but that was exactly what i was thinking. if you have the extra time, don't you spend more money? so really two times the time, half the money. or just ignore me and go with your thesis. it's much catchier.

FAB: indeed. man, i wish more people could appreciate me. i mean, i'm always coming up with gems and for what really? hrmph. i need more exposure. i'm amazing. more people need to understand this. and embrace it.

SLP: i've always thought you should be on television. like, a show on style or food or e! where you sit there and quite bluntly tell the audience what you like and what you do not like, and what social theory you are presently pondering.

FAB: yes. i agree. or like [name redacted] who thought i should have a tv show called [FAB] and the city. he thought my escapades would be far more entertaining than sex and the city. i wonder if i'm not too lazy to post this entire conversation on the blog. i feel it amuses me

SLP: [redacted] could be your version of carrie's gay friend. you'd have to open a new window

FAB: hmm. true. and i wonder if this line of conversation is remotely amusing to people who aren't me. let's give it a try

SLP: but then, according to your theory, you would have covered the work of a blog post while dicking around on the internet. gina will like it. so that's two

FAB: right. the only thing i do really well is open more browser windows. i pretty much rule at that. what do you want to be called?

SLP: [redacted] is fine. i ain't scared. or smokie leplume, my new blogger name.

FAB: which do you prefer? [redacted] or smokie leplume?

SLP: are you fatasianbaby?

FAB: yes. FAB. for the purpose of vignettes

SLP: okay i'll be smokie leplume. that was hard.

FAB: yeah.

Rescue Me

2007-03-08T16:00:00.000-05:00

There was a Vitamin Water promotional van parked across the street from the Fat Asian office this afternoon. A promotional van. Complete with speakers for blasting the masses with god knows what healthy living propaganda. FAB went back inside to grab a post-it note which we stuck to the driver-side window which read: Why don't we have Green Tea Vitamin Water in Georgia??
We just checked and the van is gone.
We can only hope that the revolution has begun.

In other news, it was nearly 70 degrees when FAB got to work this morning. Right now we're sweltering in a tank top and jeans and FAB's armpits had begun to feel a bit, how shall we put it, juicy? In response, we decided to sit at the computer with arms raised staight overhead to see if that might remedy the problem. It's a wonder that some lucky guy hasn't snatched us up yet, no?

An Open Letter (Of Sorts)

2007-03-02T16:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Baby Jesus,

Please can you help me find a remunerable position whose primary deliverables involve exploring the myriad uses of pork and its by-products, pickles and all of the condiments yet known to man?

Humbly,

FAB

Incoming!

2007-02-28T16:59:00.000-05:00

Flibbity Flibberts! Somebody done gone and invented my greatest uninvented invention. Dammit. If FAB doesn't get out of Atlanta in the coming months, we'll soon be affixing one of these to the top of the Prius.

And in other news, Cracked scientific-ishly determines that women in the '70s were hotter than women today.

Goodbye Kimora, Hello Ashton

2007-02-21T14:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, so FAB just lost about 2,783 brain cells running several photos through a celebrity look-alike face recognition thingy. We can't show you the results, but suffice it to say that it was totally worth the sacrifice of those brain cells that were probably only involved in marginally daily functions such as picking split ends and scratching the fat asian belly button. In the future, if strange guys on the internet ask what celebrity FAB looks like, we are going to tell them that we are the spitting image of the love child of Ashton Kutcher and Eleanor Roosevelt.
Oh man. Sooooo worth it.

Check It

2007-02-16T16:00:00.000-05:00

Whatever Lola Wants

2007-02-14T16:59:00.000-05:00

The Devil Stole the Beat is back. Everything starts tonight with a kick ass Bleeding Heart Riot Valentine's Day party in the back room of the Loft. Thursday and Friday, event co-sponsors BMI and ASCAP respectively will host showcases at Smith’s Olde Bar, with musicians performing both upstairs in the main space and downstairs in the Atlanta Room.

The Devil Stole the Beat is not a music conference. It's booze and bands. No panels. The event functions solely as a means to support up-and-coming musicians and increase their exposure. What bands you ask? Bands like Dead Confederate, How I Became the Bomb, Summerbirds in the Cellar, The Working Title, and lots and lots of other folks.

FAB happens to think that How I Became the Bomb is the bees knees and lots of local music bloggers seem to agree. Check them out on MySpace.

So come on out and dance to the music.

For full lineup schedule and ticket information, go to the website.

To come to tonight's invite-only party, send an email to rsvp@carenwestpr.com.

Delightfully Tack, Yet What?

2007-02-14T15:24:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, FAB has friends. Friends that get kicked out of Hooters, god bless 'em. Which reminds us of the time back in college when we actually applied for a job at Hooters. Because we needed money. And, well, because it's Hooters. Ya know? Anyway, we presented ourselves at Hooters in midtown Manhattan and were asked to fill out an application, which surprisingly enough, looks much like any other job application. FAB enthusiastically filled out the form and waited patiently to speak to the manager. But then we starting to hyperventilate just a little at the sight of those crazy orange shorts that seem to be standard issue at Hooters establishments throughout the country*. The manager finally came by and said they were swamped and could we come back with the application tomorrow at 10AM. We said ok and never came back. Really. Who gets up at that hour anyway? And to go to Hooters, no less?
Fret not, my pets, the famed Hooters job application had a fulfilling and raucous career on the door of ViaGina and Ellen's dorm room that year. FAB thinks they just liked the juxtaposition of the giant Hooters logo and the part of the application asks about education, special honors and employment history and we dutifully printed: Columbia University, National Merit Scholar Finalist and Salomon Smith Barney, Private Portfolio Group respectively.

*This was our first and only trip to a Hooters, mind you. FAB had no idea about the orange shorts.

Is It Too Soon?

2007-02-09T14:15:00.001-05:00

Nahhhhh.

2007-02-08T16:04:00.000-05:00

We were gonna make some horribly off color joke as is our wont, but since this is apparently no joke, we'll refrain.
For now.

(And maybe now we'll finally find out who the baby's daddy is.)

TaDa!!!!

2007-02-08T13:17:00.000-05:00

FAB buddy Blink will be showing some of his new work tonight at the East Side Lounge in, you guessed it, East Atlanta. Come check him out, along with a bunch of locally grown talent.

Dear Apple: Maker of iPods

2007-02-05T17:09:00.000-05:00

Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. And Fuck You again.

I still hate you and your stupid product that, against any semblance of a less-than-miniscule hair of common sense I may have once had, I keep on buying even though I get burned EVERY DAMN TIME.

* but from which past, present, and perhaps future behavior suggests I clearly have long since been forcibly separated.

Let's get a divorce.

Thank you and goodnight.

FAB

P.S. What do you suggest I do with my fancy new Bose In-Ear Headphones that I bought myself for Hannukah? Hmmm?

Props Where Props, Wait, What?

2007-01-30T15:22:00.000-05:00

FAB gives a hearty well done to Atlanta's own Deerhunter for being the subject/object of indie/music/snobbery/cyberclusterfuck lovin'. Feels good, don't it?

Also, Deerhunter will be playing the Pitchfork SXSW showcase with new indie darlings Beach House.
It will be so best.

In case you haven't been paying attention, Beach House is the newish project from Victoria Legrand and Alex Scally. We blogged abouttheir previous project way back in 2005*.
Atlanta missed them in November (FAB and Deerhunter's Bradford Cox were one of about 15 people who actually went to the show), but New Yorkers can catch them with Grizzly Bear and The Paper Cuts at Bowery Ballroom on March 6 and 7.

*Though it appears that the image is no more.

Something FAB, AKA Princess Retardoface, Actually Said a Mere 5 Minutes Ago, But Fortunately Within the Confines of Her Own Head This Time

2007-01-30T12:43:00.000-05:00

"Doomsday? I thought that was in June. Oh wait, that's Bloomsday. Nevermind."

Something FAB, AKA Princess Potatoface, Actually Said a Mere 5 Minutes Ago

2007-01-30T12:39:00.000-05:00

"My sandwich experience would be enhanced by potato chips."

Something FAB, AKA Princess Nerdyface, Actually Said a Mere 5 Minutes Ago

2007-01-30T12:37:00.000-05:00

"Funny how a little preposition can change the whole meaning of things."

Music PSA

2007-01-02T17:00:00.000-05:00

We're not sure if there's anyone still reading, but if you are, here is a friendly message from Tim Sweetwood from the Masquerade:

Bands,

I'm looking for some additional bands on the following dates. Bands must be from Atlanta or the surrounding area.

Jan. 11th. I'm looking for Metal acts this night.

Jan. 12th Looking for rock or alternative acts.

Please email me at tim@masq.com if you are intersted. No booking done through Myspace.

Cheers, Happy New Year.

Two for the Price of One

2007-01-02T15:46:00.000-05:00

Ew.

Ick.

Thank you.

In Other Bipolar News

2007-01-02T14:09:00.000-05:00

Gasper the Whale has died at the Atlanta Aquarium.

Cable and Tweed has posted some fun listens, including a track from one of FAB's new favorite bands, How I Became the Bomb.

And apparently New Year's Eve weekend is the new June for the mediocre DAR set.

And while we're on the subject, W. calls Gerald Ford "the Best of America" which obviously isn't the least bit absurd or anything like that.

Where East Coast Business Meets West Coast What?

2007-01-02T13:50:00.000-05:00

Surely by now you've seen the trailers for the Apprentice Season 6, which premieres this Sunday. In one of his ingenious attempts to stay relevant or something, the Donald has whipped out the big guns. What big guns, you ask? In this newest incarnation, wait for it, Donald is whoring out his Anna-Kournikova-of-the-business-world daughter, and loser apprentices don't just, like, lose and stuff; they have to go camping. And totally cook all their meals on a charcoal grill.
That's so gnarly, dude.

Also, FAB particularly enjoyed this photo we poached from the miscellaneous reaches of cyberspace in which a Photoshop neophyte has mated Goofy Donald with Magic Airbrushed Noseless Floaty Album-Cover Ivanka.
We may not be too bright ourselves, but we know edgy modern art genius when we see it.

Bear With Us

2006-12-29T15:59:00.000-05:00

So we know this is probably so totally, like, last year and stuff, but please bear with us. We've been in hibernation for the past 10 months, and as you've surely noticed by now, we are slow to stir.

At any rate, FAB hopes this song, like, totally changes your life and stuff.

And if anybody has any reasonable idea about what exactly constitutes a Lohan holiday (above and beyond the ideas kindly proffered by the good people at Dlisted), please let us know. We'll expect a memo on our desk after the New Year.

Ear and Liver Notes, But Mostly Ear

2006-12-29T14:17:00.000-05:00

Tonight, Confessions of a Music Addict is hosting a special showcase, which coincidentally, or not so coincidentally, coincides (fine, not a coincidence then) with LB's birthday.
So tonight, head over to The 585 to hear Chris Unck and the Black Roses, League of Evil, The Beggars' Guild, and Rantings of Eva. There will be two kegs or you can BYO whatever it is you want to imbibe.
Saturday night, head on down to your favorate inebriated imaginary equine-named dump/venue to catch The Booze (mmm...booze) and The Coat Hangers.
New Year's Eve is hands down the most overrated party night of the year. So go out. Do your thing. The same kind of thing you do every weekend. But more. Oh so much more. You have two great music options for this last night of 2006. FAB recommends heading over to the horsey bar to catch Atlanta's favorite sons Snowden, Deerhunter, and Gringo Star (nee A Fir-Ju Well) or going to The EARL to see The Selmanaires, Tenement Halls, and Thee Crucials. Good choices all around, dotcha think?

FAB herself hopes to be heading to the hills to eat donuts.

An Up-To-The-Minute Status Report

2006-12-29T14:13:00.000-05:00

FAB smiles to learn that blogger still works.
FAB wonders where the damn magazines are that were supposed to be delivered today since that was pretty much the raison d'etre for coming into the office.
FAB scratches her head.
FAB eats a pickle.

At Long Last, A Vignette:

2006-12-29T13:27:00.000-05:00

Scene: Outside Studio 54 in Manhattan, after the Friday night showing of The Appletree with Kristen Chenoweth, that perky Broadway songstress to whom FAB, despite her best efforts, is positively inclined. FABMommy looks over at mid-teen-aged girl in baby blue Uggs and miniskirt.

FABMommy: Those new boots are so trendy right now.

FAB: Ummm...Yeah.

End scene

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

2006-03-21T00:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Gentle Blog Reader,

We've been through quite a lot together haven't we? These last two years and eleven days since I first started rambling along here has seen us through winter Upper East Side mosquito infestations, Luke and Leroys, an infatuation with David Foster Wallace, Max Fish, an encounter with Dr. Nicholas Perricone, hipsters, hipster irony, the hipster handbook, post hipster handbook post hipster irony, Orchard Bar, Bush's desire to colonize the moon and Mars, Dark Room, the loss of a drawstring in one side of a favorite pair of sweatpants, FABMommy's untiring antics to get FAB to be less FAT, the introduction of Kevin Federline, the England fiasco, taking Paris by storm, and puking in the very lovely Parisian gutter, les Etages, the adventures at Paris Plage, our move to the great state of Georgia, the discovery of the existence of Peer age Republicans, the Earl, the discovery of seemingly normal people who go into a zombie-like fugue state making hatchet gestures with their arms for no apparent reason, the discovery of personal hygiene products that sound like they're good for eating, Lenny's, the beginning of the abusive iPod relationship, misplacing the gaydar somewhere in midtown Atlanta, the Drunken Unicorn, confirming that long held theory that black people do not, in fact, eat mayonnaise (n=1), Estoria, Britney gets knocked up, PDiddy comes to Atlanta, decrying the incessant 3 am train honking, facing deep soul searching ethical dilemmas regarding Bush supporters and cocaine (separately folks, separately), taking on public art, Tara Reid shows us her sisters, Ashlee Simpson somehow becomes a celebrity of her own right (this transformation actually happened sometime between May and August of 04 because those were the months I was blissfully out of the country), we saw the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese, and then we ate her, Anna Nicole at the 2004 AMAs, nearly being killed in attempt to return to the Big Apple for Turkey Time, adventures at Marquee in jeans and sneakers with Labyrinth bag in tow, more fabulously stimulating conversation with FABMommy that starts out about the fabulous new development that you can now peel stamps RIGHT OFF the sheet, just like that, and ends up something about how I'm look pretty chunky in the holiday picture maybe I shouldn't be in it next year, the Variety Playhouse, Tom Cruise loses his mind, finds a bride, Newlyweds wed, Newlyweds unwed, Britney inspects her breastesses on the balcony, Vision nightclub, Tara talks about Lindsay who talks about Tara who talks about Paris who talks Lindsay who talks about Nicole who talks about Paris, International Bowl, discussing Judith Butler, post structuralist tension between anthropological theory and feminist theory and how identity politics are so totally 1980s and essentializing and holy shit did you check out that new item at Taco Bell! all in the course of a 3 minutes conversation, Paris Paris gets engaged to Man Paris, Paris Paris gets dumped by Man Paris and immediately replaces him with an interchangeable Greek shipping heir with poor fashion sense, learned about Jesus' dietary needs, continued hatred of Michelle Williams, continued hatred of Feist, Pete Doherty continues to do drugs and then do bad things, JLo loses her relevance, MiMi finds hers, Sienna finds hers then promptly loses it, Lindsay Lohan gets drunk, tackling the Balkans, Boemi, puking all over Sarajevo, City Pub, getting all linky-like, FABMommy pushes the South Beach Diet, FAB faces yet another moral quandry, this one more serious, but alcohol prevails again, iPod wars, iPod truces, fearing the Masquerade bathroom, our jeans are too low, Milk and Honey lives, Angelina is still hot, still being fat and liking bacon and beer, Kimora Lee Simmons still scarily resembles FAB but in a fantastically horrifying entirely lacking in irony and much much richer way, hating Kellie Pickler and all that she stands for, and having many cavities just waiting to be tortured into oblivion, taking new job.

Dearest reader, this may well be my last blog post on fatasianbaby.com. Due to what we hope will prove to be an exciting job opportunity that we'd simply love to tell you all about but can't in order to retain any remaining anonymity the blog still has and more importantly to keep FABDaddy from ever discovering its existence - the man has google and he's not afraid to use it - we can't tell you where we're going or what we're doing, but wish us luck and know that we'll think of you fondly every day.

If you haven't been reading from the beginning, I just left you a sequential treasure hunt of FABisms and posts from the beginning through to the end. If you miss me, a good place to start would be the archives. You may just discover something fantastic there that you've never seen before. FAB hopes that circumstances may allow blogging to resume sometime in some distant future, and not because we're hoping to be fired, but because we've really enjoyed our time here ranting to the nobody that is everybody in the world and we're more than just a little bit devastated to have to say goodbye, my friends, and we'll really be more than just a little bit lost without you. So, it is with a very heavy heart indeed that FAB bids you all adieu and good luck in all of your and all of our endeavors.

Until we meet again,

Fat Asian Baby

“He’s just got some kind of sex appeal that other men don’t have.”

2006-03-20T11:28:00.000-05:00

Holy Shit! Stop the Presses! You'll never guess who's gonna be on display on the upper VIP deck of Vision like a stuffed prize puppy straight from the Ghetto Paws Grooming. Next Saturday, Atlanta. You better be ready.

Ear Notes: Spring Into Spring Edition

2006-03-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

Hello Happy Spring! Does this actually mean anything here? As far as I'm concerned, spring came a couple weeks ago, stuck his tongue in my mouth for a few months, and then promptly left the room. Feh.

Tonight FAB recommends checking out the Magic Numbers and the Elected at the Loft tonight.

FAB also recommends hearing Man Man and Parts & Labor at the Earl with Hubcap City.

2006-03-17T14:50:00.000-05:00

It's time to face the music. FAB has cavities. We fear the dentist second only to our semi-rational fear of jellyfish and other pain-inducing creatures, so of course we've chosen to deal with the mounting cavity situation by ignoring it. And surprisingly, it hasn't gone away. Hand in hand with our dealing-with-pressing-health-situations-by-avoiding strategy was our decision not to opt for the additional dental coverage in the student health plan (hello adultolescence!) does anybody have any suggestions as to how to proceed?

Ear Notes: Drunken Leprechaun Edition

2006-03-17T12:37:00.000-05:00

So many opportunities tonight to get silly, listen to music, and act all Irish-like, and by Irish-like we mean drunk and belligerant like God intended.

Tonight Y-O-U will be playing in the parking lot behind Limerick Junction for their annual St. Patty's Day Big Ass Drinking in the Parking Lot Party (actually we think the official term is "Block Party").

It is also the official opening night for the new Mercury Club in Underground Atlanta featuring the musical stylings of Sovus Radio, Tora Tora Tora, and the Explorer's Club.

FAB also recommends hearing Measles Mumps Rubella, Gregor Samsa, KillGordon, and Shock Cinema at Lenny's before the Lenny's Trashed Dance Party featuring a St. Patty's Day costume contest and green jello shots while they last.

Luigi, Producto, and Creve Coeur will be at the 10 High.

Late night, head over to Decatur Social Club at Azul/Raging Burrito where Johnny Musick will be guest DJing along with the regular DSC crew.

Sunday night, the place to be (other than watching the Sopranos) is the Variety Playhouse to hear Animal Collective with Nix Noltes.

check out Thunderbirds Are Now! , Shock Cinema (again), and Rahim at the Drunken Unicorn.

From the Desk of Completely Unoriginal

2006-03-16T16:12:00.000-05:00

Advance Ear Notes

2006-03-16T15:07:00.000-05:00

Already on sale:
Eisley at Vinyl March 23rd.
Mute Math at the Loft March 23rd.

On sale Friday:
They Might Be Giants at the Variety Playhouse Wednesday, May 3rd.

On sale Saturday:
Pinback at the Roxy Thursday, May 18th.

Ear Notes: ATL

2006-03-16T13:46:00.000-05:00

Tonight FAB recommends the Matt Pond PA and Youth Group show at the Loft.

DQE, Tiger!Tiger!, the Rattler, and the Glasses will be at the Earl.

The Blue Hour, Iron Hero, and A Northern Chorus will be at Lenny's.

Pickler Update

2006-03-15T17:04:00.000-05:00

Small town girl notwithstanding (see comments), if Kellie Pickler represents any sort of ideal or role model for young American girls, we're in serious trouble. Listening to her speak makes me want to cut out my ovaries and turn in my passport at the front desk.

TMZ Pickler stuff.

Ear Notes: Funny Ha Ha Edition

2006-03-15T12:52:00.000-05:00

Tonight FAB recommends checking out His Purple Majesty, the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince then known as the Artist and once again known as Prince at the Tabernacle with Tamar, who incidentally isn't Jewish at all.

Snow Patrol will be at the Loft.

FAB recommends seeing Augustana, the Damnwells, and the Julia Dream at the Earl.

Motion City Soundtrack will be at the Masquerade with the Format, the Matches, and Men, Women and Children.

And last but certainly not unfunniest, Motley Crue will be at Philips Arena.

Phooey

2006-03-15T12:36:00.000-05:00

FAB just took this online quiz: What Age Do You Act?

You Are 25 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What the hell is the point of a fun online quiz if it's not going to tell you that you act like a drunk 17 yr old passed out in a pile of someone else's vomit in a dark corner of the homecoming queen's house cause her parents went to Aspen for the week? Jeez. If I wanted someone to tell me I was 25, I would've just consulted my driver's license. Feh.

And I Even Found Something Endearing About Jessica Simpson

2006-03-15T00:24:00.000-05:00

Having lived in the South now for over a year and a half, the Fat Asian Baby has grown to appreciate Southern charm and even respect the degree to which Southern girls are working some kind of game that we couldn't even begin to play. However, despite the recent warming of FAB's icy, black soul, we can't help but ask ourselves: is Kellie Pickler actually as mentally retarded as she acts and sounds or is it just some kind of Southern thing that we have yet to understand?

New Yorky Bits

2006-03-14T14:36:00.000-05:00

Annie, who FAB once naively thought was coming to Atlanta's Fabulous Fox, will be headlining at the Mercury Lounge next Monday. Annie could sell out Webster Hall, a venue many times the size of the Merc, just by smiling at you, so buy your tickets now or cry into your milk later.

Also, Jeremy Liebman is looking for models for a photoshoot for Sporstwear International Magazine that's going to be an ode to the style of late 70s, early 80s downtown New York--CBGB's, Max's Kansas City, Mudd Club, etc. They're looking for men and women, 17-25ish. They can provide prints to all the models, and there MAY be a little money.

The shoot will be on Sunday, the 26th of March. If interested, please send a couple photos to sliebman7@hotmail.com--it doesn't need to be anything professional, just something that clearly shows your face, and a full body shot.

Advance Ear Notes: Saddle Creek Edition

2006-03-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

Criteria tour dates:
Sat-Mar-11, Omaha, NE, Sokol Underground*
Sun-Mar-12, Lawrence, KS, Jackpot Saloon*
Mon-Mar-13, Oklahoma City, OK, Conservatory*
Tue-Mar-14, Tulsa, OK, 1974*
Thu-Mar-16, Austin, TX, The Parish Room @ 9pm (Saddle Creek SXSW Showcase)*
Fri-Mar-17, San Antonio, TX, White Rabbit*
Sat-Mar-18, Austin, TX, Emo's Annex @ 1:10pm (AP SXSW Day Party)
Sun-Mar-19, Las Cruces, NM, The Bean*
Mon-Mar-20, Tempe, AZ, Stinkweeds*
Tue-Mar-21, Pomona, CA, Glass House
Wed-Mar-22, San Francisco, CA, Slim’s
Thur-Mar-23, Portland, OR, Hawthorne Theatre
Fri-Mar-24, Seattle, WA, El Corazon
Sat-Mar-25, Boise, ID, The Venue
Sun-Mar-26, Salt Lake City, UT, Avalon Theater
Mon-Mar-27, Denver, CO, Bluebird Theatre
Wed-Mar-29, Lawrence, KS, Bottleneck
Thu-Mar-30, Iowa City, IA, Gabes Oasis
Fri-Mar-31, Sauget, IL, Pops
Sat-Apr-1, Chicago, IL, Metro
Sun-Apr-2, Cleveland, OH, Agora Ballroom
Wed-Apr-3, Lansing, MI, Temple Club*
Tue-Apr-4, Detroit, MI, Majestic Theater
Wed-Apr-5, London, ON, Call the Office
Thu-Apr-6, Toronto, ON, Opera House
Fri-Apr-7, Ottawa, ON, Babylon
Sat-Apr-8, Quebec City, QC, L’Anti
Sun-Apr-9, Providence, RI, The Living Room*
Mon-Apr-10, Boston, MA, Axis
Tue-Apr-11, Levittown, NY, Ritual
Wed-Apr-12, Randolph, NJ, Obsessions
Thu-Apr-13, Philadelphia, PA, Theatre of Living Arts
Fri-Apr-14, Norfolk, VA, The Norva
Sat-Apr-15, Baltimore, MD, Ottobar
Mon-Apr-17, Charlotte, NC, Tremont Music Hall
Tue-Apr-18, Atlanta, GA, The Masquerade
Wed-Apr-19, Orlando, FL, The Social
Thu-Apr-20, Gainesville, FL, 1982*
Fri-Apr-21, Ft Lauderdale, FL, Culture Room
Sat-Apr-22, St Petersburg, FL, State Theater
Mon-Apr-24, Houston, TX, Warehouse Live
Tue-Apr-25, San Antonio, TX, Sanctuary
All Dates with Poison the Well except *

Two Gallants tour dates:
Thu 03/16, Austin, TX, The Parish @11pm (Saddle Creek SXSW Showcase)
Fri 03/17, Austin, TX, Cream Vintage Outside Stage @ 4pm (Hole in the Wall Ice Cream Social at SXSW)
Sat 03/18, Austin, TX, The Velvet Spade @ 3pm (NY2LON SWSW Party)
Sat 03/18, Austin, TX, Eternal Music for America @ 1am (SXSW Party)
Sun 03/19, Oklahoma City, OK, The Conservatory
Mon 03/20, Springfield, MO, The Outland
Tue 03/21, Kansas City, MO, The Record Bar
Wed 03/22, Des Moines, IA, Vaudeville Mews
Thu 03/23, Omaha, NE, Sokol Underground
Fri, 03/24, Denver, CO, Hi-Dive
Sat 03/25, Salt Lake City, UT, Kilby Court
Fri 03/31, San Francisco, CA, Bimbo's 365 Club
Tue 04/04, Los Angeles, CA, Troubadour
Wed 04/05, San Diego, CA, Casbah
Thu 04/06, Phoenix, AZ, Modified
Fri 04/07, Tucson, AZ, Solar Culture
Sun 04/09, Albuquerque, NM, Launchpad
Mon 04/10, Lubbock, TX, Winchester Slaughter House
Tue 04/11, Denton, TX, Rubber Gloves
Wed 04/12, Austin, TX, Emo’s
Thu 04/13, Houston, TX, Walter's on Washington
Fri 04/14, New Orleans, LA, The Republic
Sat 04/15, Atlanta, GA, The Earl
Sun 04/16, Gainesville, FL, Common Grounds
Mon 04/17, Orlando, FL, Will’s Pub
Tue 04/18, Tampa, FL, Transitions Art Gallery
Wed 04/19, St Augustine, FL, Cafe Eleven
Thu 04/20, W Columbia, SC, New Brookland Tavern
Fri 04/21, Chapel Hill, NC, Wetlands Dance Hall
Sat 04/22, Philadelphia, PA, Khyber
Mon 04/24, New York, NY, Bowery Ballroom
Wed 04/26, Boston, MA, Chums @ Brandeis University
Thu 04/27, Cambridge, MA, Middle East Upstairs
Fri 04/28, Annandale-On-Hudson, NY, SMOG @ Bard College
Sat 04/29, Bennington, VT, The Downcast
Sun 04/30, Providence, RI, The Living Room
Mon 05/01, Montreal, QC, La Sala Rossa
Tue 05/02, Toronto, ON, The Silver Dollar
Wed 05/03, Buffalo, NY, Mohawk Place
Thu 05/04, Lansing, MI, The Temple Club
Fri 05/05, Chicago, IL, The Empty Bottle

Maria Taylor tour dates:
Sat-Mar-18 Birmingham, AL, The Nick*
Sun-Mar-19 Newport, KY, Southgate House*
Wed-Mar-22 New York, NY, Knitting Factory with Camera Obscura*
Thu-Mar-23 Cambridge, MA, Middle East (Downstairs)
Fri-Mar-24 Philadelphia, PA, Starlight Ballroom
Sat-Mar-25 Falls Church, VA, State Theatre
Sun-Mar-26 Carrboro, NC, Cats Cradle
Mon-Mar-27 Athens, GA, 40 Watt
Tue-Mar-28 Tallahasse, FL, Club DownUnder
Wed-Mar-29 Orlando, FL, Social
Thu-Mar-30 Gainesville, FL, Common Grounds
Fri-Mar-31 Atlanta, GA, Variety Playhouse
Sat-Apr-01 Asheville, NC, Grey Eagle
Sun-Apr-02 Nashville, TN, The End
Mon-Apr-03 Champaign, IL, Canopy Club
Tue-Apr-04 Des Moines, IA, Vaudeville Mews
Wed-Apr-05 Minneapolis, MN, Varsity Theater
Thu-Apr-06 Chicago, IL, Metro
Fri-Apr-07 Detroit, MI ,Magic Stick
Sat-Apr-08 Cincinnati, OH, Cincinnati Artists Warehouse
Sun-Apr-09 Cleveland, OH, Beachland Ballroom
Mon-Apr-10 Gambier, OH, Kenyon College*
Wed-Apr-12 Louisville, KY, Headliners Music Hall*
Thu-Apr-13 Memphis, TN, Hi-Tone Cafe*
Fri-Apr-14 Baton Rouge, LA Spanish Moon*
Sat-Apr-15 Denton, TX, Hailey's*
Sun-Apr-16 Austin, TX, The Parish Room*
Tue-Apr-18 Phoenix, AZ, Rhythm Room*
Wed-Apr-19 Tucson, AZ, Solar Culture*
Thu-Apr-20 Los Angeles, CA The Echo*
Fri-Apr-21 San Diego, CA, Che Café*
Sat-Apr-22 San Francisco, CA, Café Du Nord*
Mon-Apr-24 Eugene, OR, WOW Hall*
Thu-Apr-27 Salt Lake City, UT, Kilby Court*
Fri-Apr-28 Denver, CO, Larimer Lounge*
Sat-Apr-29 Omaha, NE, Sokol Underground*
All shows with Mates of State except *

Ear Notes: ATL

2006-03-14T13:56:00.000-05:00

Tonight FAB recommends checking out the Liverhearts, No Things, Knife Skills, and the Post Office Gals at the Drunken Unicorn.

Hotel Lights will be at Smith's Olde Bar.

Also, Tova Johnson and the Way Home will be at the 10 High with the Dole (featuring members of Jump, Little Children), and Tin Cup Prophette.

Ugg

2006-03-14T11:30:00.000-05:00

Countdown to Axl Rose/Scott Weiland catfight starts now.

Atlanta meet Podbop.

Unlike 3/4 of the Futurists, Jared Leto DOES NOT look pretty in eyeliner.

Drunk Scot kicked off train for lifting his kilt.

Chef quits South Park, can't take stale joke. In other news, did you know Isaac Hayes is a Scientologist? Watch the episode here.

Beyonce's Maxim photoshoot.

Don Cheadle may play Miles Davis.

Listen to tracks off the Vines' new album.

Injured whale spotted near GA.

LES landmark Rivington Synagogue meets untimely end.

The Raconteurs release first single.

Fight breaks out when Black Sabbath, Blondie inducted into Rock Hall of Fame.

Nicolette Sheridan to tie the knot with Michael Bolton. Yes that Michael Bolton.
In other news: How Animals Have Sex.

Gawker Stalker meet Google Maps.

Menswear genius Hedi Slimane is manorexic.

Only the best for Kate Moss.

Ambien linked to fridge raiding. Pot not helping either.

Cow gets mad in Alabama. FAB doesn't want a cheeseburger.

US deficit meets Captain Obvious.

Arctic Monkeys clean up for SNL. Watch the video here.

Chicago Trib reporter eugoogolizes his iPod. (via largehearted boy)

Pearls of wisdom from Michael Douglas: "I don't know about Brad Pitt leaving that beautiful woman to go hold orphans for Angelina Jolie. I mean, how long is that going to last?"

Watch the final scene of Seven performed by stuffed animals.

Milosevic met foul play. Good riddance.

Brit puts KFed on a short leash.

Idiot expresses confidence in Iraq's future. Based on...

Glide's 25 New Songs to Download Right Now.

Watch Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Gold Lion video.

Johnny Rotten states the obvious, in unmistakably British way.

Jessica Simpson still inexplicably wearing Uggs-type boots.

New Mr. Lif.

Life Is All About Self Discovery

2006-03-13T00:26:00.000-05:00

Useful thing I learned this weekend: I am quite adept at wrapping things that are square or rectangular in shape or have otherwise clean edges. I'm pretty good with the bows and ribbons as well. However, trying to wrap objects that are all kinds of irregular shapes will result in a present that appears to have been lovingly giftwrapped by a mentally challenged pterodactyl.

Incoming

2006-03-10T16:41:00.000-05:00

I have an extra ticket for tonight's CYHSY show at the Variety.
Anybody?

The Walkmen Presale

2006-03-10T15:02:00.000-05:00

Presale tickets are available here for the following cities:
May 24 - New York, NY @ Webster Hall
May 25 - Washington, DC @ 9:30 Club
May 30 - Cleveland, OH @ Beachland Ballroom
May 31 - Detroit, MI @ St Andrew's Hall
June 1 - Chicago, IL @ Metro
June 3 - Minneapolis, MN @ 400 Bar
June 5 - Englewood, CO @ Gothic Theatre
June 6 - Salt Lake City, UT @ In The Venue
June 8 - Portland, OR @ Berbati's Pan
June 9 - Seattle, WA @ Showbox
June 10 - Vancouver, BC @ Richards on Richards
June 12 - San Francisco, CA @ Great American Music Hall
June 13 - San Francisco, CA @ Great American Music Hall
June 16 - San Diego, CA @ House of Blues
June 17 - Tempe, AZ @ The Clubhouse
June 19 - Austin, TX @ La Zona Rosa
June 20 - Houston, TX @ Numbers
June 21 - Dallas, TX @ Granada Theater
June 23 - Nashville, TN @ Exit/In
June 24 - Louisville, KY @ Headliners Music Hall
June 26 - Toronto, ON @ Phoenix Concert Theatre
June 28 - Montreal, QC @ La Tulipe
June 29 - Boston, MA @ Avalon

Ear Notes: Weekend Edition

2006-03-10T13:58:00.000-05:00

Tonight FAB will be rocking out the Variety for the CYHSY show before hitting up Decatur Social Club at Azul. The patio will be open and the shots will be flowing freely. Get there before 1am.

The Black Lips and Beat Beat Beat will be at the Drunken Unicorn.

GoGoGo Airheart, the Jai-Alai Savant, Subtitle, and Shock Cinema will be at the Earl.

The Silver Jews will be at the 40 Watt in Athens before hitting up the Earl on Saturday night.

Also Saturday night, KT Tunstall will be at the Loft.

Mogwai will be at Whirlyball.

Dear Internet Connection, You Are NOT "Excellent"

2006-03-10T13:28:00.000-05:00

Pot reaches out for Kettle.

The Sun confirms that Britney really is knocked up again (with priceless pics). As if the Sun can "confirm" anything.

America may have been voted me off American Idol, but "by the blood of Jesus I'm saved." Um, right. Just keep telling yourself that buddy.

Oxford Collapse signs to Sub Pop.

America meets Captain Obvious.

Gridskipper discovers FAB's neighborhood overpriced but still rather tasty bakery. FAB wants the warm roasted lamb sammy.

Paris finally starting to get hers.

Alabama retards may actually have just been drunk.

The Raconteurs debut drops in May.

Tonya Harding is so over it. But FAB's still chuckling.

Pinback readies for the road.

Indie Interviews interviews David Bazan of Pedro the Lion.

NPR, your new music source, has Wednesday's CYHSY show in Washington.

Heatherette decides to move in a new direction, hopefully towards fashion.

Watch the Mark Ronson Radiohead graffiti video thingy.

Jury out on former Mayor Campbell.

Neverland nevermore.

Pitchfork reviews Of Montreal reissues.

Did Indy ask Ally?

Sienna conquers yet another.

Jose Gonzalez to play Summerstage.

DJ AM disses Nicole Richie. Again.

What in tarnation could LiLo and Lance have to talk about? And Luther Vandross liked the dick.

Apparently Garffleck resides in downtown Savannah.

Has-been rockers reach new low.

Fat Joe bails for Asylum.

Mimi's tongue still flapping in the wind.

Pink's thighs keep flapping in the wind.

Arctic Monkeys plan new EP.

NASA poised to probe Mars.

My Morning Jacket ready to roll.

Savannah music festival gets all, like, ethnic and shit.

Vibe needs a new editor.

The Pixies reunion documentary documents the Pixies reunion. AMANAPLANACANALPANAMA.

Calling All Crazies

2006-03-09T16:41:00.000-05:00

If for some reason that entirely escapes us, you fancy being on the next season of the Apprentice, NBC producers will be holding a casting call exclusively for Emory alumni, students, faculty, and staff near the Emory campus. The casting call will be Thursday, March 16th from 10am to 2pm in the Maple Room at the Emory Conference Center, 1615 Clifton Road.

For application materials, email FAB or download them from NBC.com.

While this casting day is allegedly for Emory only, there is not clear indication that they will be checking student IDs at the door. For more information, email Lauren.

Ear Notes: ATL

2006-03-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

Tonight Spike TV will be filming the show at Lenny's as part of some sort of national competition for diviest of the dive bars. On tap tonight is God's America, Thank God, Blame Game, Deerhunter, and Forevermen (formerly the Lazy Indians). Free PBR while it lasts. Mmm...free beer.

What You Talkin' 'Bout, Willis?

2006-03-09T11:14:00.000-05:00

We know she was wasted, but why was Tara Reid spending the night at Dennis Rodman's in the first place?

Fall Out Boy's Peter Wentz's peter falls out. So naturally he takes a picture. Of himself. Peter.

Mischa tries to trade up.

Angelina reportedly wants an open marriage. Sorry Brad. Get in line.

NPR has downloads of Belle and Sebastian/the New Pornographers Washington gig and a B&S interview.

Watch the video for the Yeah Yeah Yeah's Gold Lion.

At least one person thinks Pete Doherty's doing a good job at shaking the junk. Funny how that one person happens to be his trial judge.

Anorexia, so HOT right now.

Speaking of which, David Katzenberg says MK is "~~the twee sprite~~the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with."

Labels reign in downloads to boost CD sales. CDs? CDs? Oh yeah, I remember CDs.

Former Unicorn Alden Penner gets back on the horse.

Siennaslut apparently available by the hour.

Hasselhoff's wife cries abuse and takes out restraining order.

Brad Pitt picks out baby names.

Playboy Vikram Chatwal too partied out for his honeymoon.

For some reason, when experiencing the worst pain known to woman, Katie Holmes thinks Posh Spice would be the perfect companion. As if Posh has ever given birth through her trap door.

Sous vide sous soupçon.

Peace out to Tsegaye Gabre-Medhin, the Egyptian Poet Laureate.

Jamie Lynn finally steps into the spotlight.

Men's Fashion goes all Brokeback, as if it weren't already, metaphorically speaking.

Eve strikes it up with Ghanaian dictator's son. (via popbitch)

Stereogum has new Built to Spill tracks.

Evolution survives in South Carolina, for now.

Watch this video clip of Asian chicks playing tugowar in bikinis and lube. Natch.

Sex advice from Project Runway stars.

Open containers in your car still legal in Wyoming. That's so brokeback.

U2 cancels gigs. Yawn.

Feist and Jason Collett sign on for Summerstage. Yawn.

MSF benefit CD not half bad, though FAB still has issues with MSF's mission marketing.

Green Apple Festival lineup set.

Tabernacle adds second Prince show.

Brokeback Mountain parodies.

Lil' Kim writes li'l letter from big house.

Palestinians protest Waters' Israel show.

This Ain't Your Fifth Grade Band Practice, Buddy

2006-03-09T02:23:00.000-05:00

Leah's lackluster appraisal of the uber-hyped Strokes show at the Tabernacle last night brings to light an issue that we've noticed many times before but never actually bothered to bitch about: complacent or otherwise nonchalant rock acts. This affliction seems to strike bands primarily playing in venues the size of the Tabernacle on up. For New Yorkers, read: Hammerstein or Roseland, though based on our experience, this rocker malaise is a solely extra-NYC phenomenon. While FAB wouldn't begin to know how exhausting it is to be a major touring rock act (or any touring rock act for that matter) twelve cities into a massive national tour, we're still going to take the perhaps overworked and overtired musicians to task here:

Buck up, assholes. You're living the fucking dream. I know you're probably tired from shoving massive amounts of yeo up your nose until the wee hours of the morning while maintaining that affected bored and nonchalant pose that drives the ladies wild then getting up the next day and hauling ass to another city to sound check and do it all over again and again and again all across the continental United States. But, for a moment, think back to the days before you had your own sound slaves and techies and other various minions to haul your shit around for you, and you practically had to beg people to show up at your gigs. We know you have it in you to pull it together and play a real rock show. That is, after all, what we came here for. We know you manage to pull it together for your New York City shows. We've seen you. And you are divine when you want to be. There may not be too many dealmakers and dealbreakers at your show in Atlanta, Savannah, Charleston, Memphis, Chattanooga, Nashville, Birmingham, Topeka, Jacksonville, Baltimore, Richmond, Wheeling or wherever that isn't NY or LA, and maybe this isn't where you got your start, but we still want you to give us what we came for.

So please, stop pretending like you're doing us some gigantic favor by just showing up with your instruments in hand and bring the goddamn rock.

An Open Apology

2006-03-08T15:44:00.000-05:00

I was going to blog for you people after lunch, but I just ate an absurdly tasty cheddar cheeseburger at the Vortex, and well, I think I'm gonna just sit here and think about how cheeseburgers are next to godliness. I was going to get bacon on it too, but I figured that God was already making a big frowny face as it was.

Ear Notes: NYC

2006-03-08T12:29:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a while since we've included this feature because, let's face it, there's something good going on in New York pretty much every night, and it's tough work to keep up. We just thought give a quick heads up to all y'all New York music fans with a soft spot for FAB because FAB friends Variac will be rocking out at Arlene's Grocery tonight. Go and show a little East Coast love. After the show, take them to Dark Room and try and make out with them. Or not. Your call.

Ear Notes: ATL

2006-03-08T12:27:00.000-05:00

Tonight the big gig in town is the Strokes at the Tabernacle. As if you didn't already know.

God Bless Science

2006-03-07T15:39:00.000-05:00

In the spring of our last semester at Columbia Jewniversity, it was suggested to us by a health professional that we get tested for an attention deficit disorder. FABDaddy declared this a preposterous suggestion since, after all, we were one month shy of graduation from a hoighty toighty institution and "No. You most certainly do NOT have ADD, young lady." We've always just considered ourselves slightly on the wrong side of lazy or lacking in the necessary mental discipline, but we sure wouldn't have said no to a free handout of Focusin.
Today's NYTimes reports that

"attention disorder cases, up to 5 to 15 percent of the population, are at a distinct disadvantage. What once conferred certain advantages in a hunter-gatherer era, in an agrarian age or even in an industrial age is now a potentially horrific character flaw, making people feel stupid or lazy and irresponsible, when in fact neither description is apt.
The term attention-deficit disorder turns out to be a misnomer. Most people who have it actually have remarkably good attention spans as long as they are doing activities that they enjoy or find stimulating."

Perhaps this explains why certain persons can devote several hours a day to blogging or otherwise talking about ourselves, trolling the internet for new bands to discover, thematically organizing our fruits and vegetables, and deconstructing reruns of Law and Order that we've seen multiple times before yet remain unable to, say, make the necessary calculations to put the finishing touches on our dreaded Excel spreadsheet and then deconstructing its results in straightforward yet adequately thorough language.

Or sit through any one of the Lord of the Rings movies.

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

2006-03-07T12:06:00.000-05:00

Britney says she's not just fat, she's preggers. Ew.

Surgeon general says obesity bigger threat than terrorism. We're eating ourselves to death.

Celeb camera phone Oscar antics.

Mariah wants to eat FAB skanky doppelganger. Or vice versa.

Watch this very old Julia Roberts audition tape.

South Dakota becomes the first state to outlaw a woman's right to choose.

Charlotte gets NASCAR Hall of Fame, not Atlanta. FAB hopes this means we get Calatrava.

Metroblogging talks FAB favorite bakery, Alons. Watch out for the NY prices.

Belle and Sebatian's Stuart Murdoch on Fresh Air.

Juvenile gives a reality check.

Jakeypoo gets tips (or a picture is worth a thousand words).

Yanni thrown in the clinker for slapping his wife around.

Arctic Monkeys film release date. Wait, Arctic Monkeys film?

Daily News reviews Matisyahu's Hammerstein show. Turns out the super baal tshuva is from FAB's own hometown.

He died for their sins, so new UGA fraternity parties for Jesus H. Christ.

Canadia likes Arcade Fire after all. No explanation for George Clooney.

Watch the video for Morrissey's single You Have Killed Me.

Wallace and Gromit fans want statue.

Ali Farka Toure dies too young.

Kirby Puckett dies too young.

Dana Reeves dies too young.

Ashley Olsen smoking.

Spud sparks off 30-person mash up.

KFed puts on boxers (or a picture is worth a thousand words).

Whites to become minority in NY area. Get out your hood.

Lil' John ready to show off the goods.

Pitchfork recommends Neko Case.

Female First tries to pair up Keira Knightley and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Brad Renfro sentenced to rehab.

The Futureheads talk about their new album.

Mariah Carey invites fondling to prove she actually uses that workout equipment cluttering her crib.

Candace Bushnell goes to the dog.

Vintage Harlem Festival footage comes to light.

The Ataris to play the Knit.

Apparently FAB's not the only one who skipped the Oscars.

Goldie Looking Chain gets dumped.

Ear Notes: ATL

2006-03-07T00:51:00.000-05:00

Tonight FAB recommends checking out the Manchester Orchestra at Smith's Olde Bar with Sovus Radio and the Libras. Hey! It's the only game in town tonight, so why not?

Together At Last

2006-03-06T17:29:00.000-05:00

FAB only dreams of a photographer posing a picture so ripe for snickering and snarky captioning, except that it actually happened. Like in real life.

Liver Notes: ATL

2006-03-06T15:13:00.000-05:00

Tonight PushPush Theater at East Decatur Station is having a fundraiser to help them keep truckin'. PushPush Theater is an award-winning theater dedicated to the development of Atlanta’s performing artists in film, theater and music. The company does this by pushing the boundaries of live performance and encouraging artists – and their audiences - to explore new ideas and take artistic risks which most commercial venues are not able to afford. It is my understanding that their financial situation closely resembles my own, so everybody come on out and party down for the arts. Suggested donation is $10 and that'll buy you beer, wine, and muncheable goods.

Click here for directions.

Shorties (I'm Knee Deep in a Spreadsheet, or at Least I Hope to Be)

2006-03-06T14:16:00.000-05:00

Introducing Habu the Polytheistic Elephant and his proselytizing apparel.
You might also enjoy Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew, though FAB finds him somewhat confusing. Though we suppose that's the insidious point.

And this has been in the works for months, but local favorites Snowden have officially signed with Jade Tree.

Don't forget that Pitchfork Music Festival tickets went on sale today.

Admission of Guilt

2006-03-06T12:59:00.000-05:00

So apparently there was some sort of awards show orgy last night in California. I was busy watching 7 consecutive episodes of various flavors of Law and Order, only 3 of which I'd already seen before. My bad.

Heartbroken

2006-03-06T00:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Internet,

Sometime early last week I asked "Kevin Federline" to be my friend on MySpace. While I understand that Kevin Federline on MySpace is most likely not the same Kevin Federline who has gifted the world with PopoZao. But it is perhaps this discrepancy that makes the rejection even colder: someone with enough time and wherewithall on their hands to impersonate the body and soul of Kevin Federline, he who married Britney and let her go all Cheetoh Dust TubbyBritney on us, doesn't see fit to be my fake internet friend.

I think I'll go cut myself for a while so I can see, feel, and be the tangible incarnation of my inner psychic pain.

Laters,

FAB

We Don't Normally Blog On Weekends...

2006-03-04T15:24:00.000-05:00

Unless something truly extraordinary happens. And the extraordinary has happened. We just read what is likely the most amazing sentence ever published in The Paper of Record:

"Unfortunately it was bearded in the soul patch style, which can make any chin look vaguely pudendal, but that was nothing that a persuasive girlfriend and a lovingly applied coat of Nair couldn't eventually take care of."

PUDENDAL? Did someone really just use the word "pudendal" in THE NEW YORK TIMES? Typical.

Advance Ear Notes

2006-03-03T16:21:00.000-05:00

More Snow Patrol tickets have been released for their March 15th show at the Loft. Ticket Alternative has the dirt.

Tickets for Ween at the Tabernacle Mon, April 10th went on sale today.

Tickets for Ani Difranco at the Variety Wed, April 26th also went on sale today.

Tickets for Family Force 5 with the Modern Society, somedaynew, Last November, and DJ Snow at the Roxy on Sat, March 25th go on sale tomorrow.

Something involving Anna Kournakova at the Gwinnett Arena Sat, May 6th go on sale Monday.

UPDATE: Sorry we're a little slow on the ball today, but tickets for the 2nd Pitchfork Music Festival go on sale Monday.

Then and Now

2006-03-03T16:18:00.000-05:00

(photo via Cityrag)

Well Hello There Breastesses

2006-03-03T16:11:00.000-05:00

If Isaac Mizrahi didn't seem totally light in his loafers, nothing about this story would be surprising in the least. This picture almost makes FAB begin to understand the fascination. To be honest, we would have been hard pressed not to cop a feel ourselves.

Girls Who Are Boys Who Like Boys To Be Girls

2006-03-03T02:14:00.000-05:00

You know you've noticed it. Boys, particularly boys in bands, and particularly those darn boys in them indie rock or emo bands, they're wearing the eyeliner. Makeup. The boys are wearing makeup these days. FAB can't really quite pinpoint when the new wave of madness began in earnest. Maybe with Brandon Flowers. Probably sometime before that. A few people have told me recently that they think boys wearing eyeliner is totally gay, not necessarily gay in the "I'm a homosexual" kind of sense but more in the general "that's lame in a gender bending kind of way" way or "what a fucking tool, dude" way. Personally, FAB thinks some boys look quite fetching in makeup (hello Brandon), and we appreciate the whole putting on makeup because I'm actually performing a show sentiment as opposed to the "Hello my name is Brandon Flowers and I wear eyeliner on my trips to Home Depot" thing. It's interesting to see how rock musicians, traditionally male (yes there are notable exceptions, but bear with me for a moment) with their own bizarre rules of masculinity, would be able to adopt such a traditionally feminine accoutrement (at least feminine in this culture) without compromising their sex appeal. But while FAB may think that makeup can be dead sexy on a guy (did I really just say that?), we should all agree to agree that blonds probably should not jump on the bandwagon.

Ear Notes and Assorted Miscellany

2006-03-03T00:49:00.000-05:00

Tonight FAB recommends checking out the Love Drunks, Tiger! Tiger!, and Col. Knowledge and the Lickety Splits at the Drunken Unicorn.

FAB also recommends heading to Lenny's to hear Cassavettes, All the Saints, and Ocelot. By the way, we've been meaning to ask: what's your take on Cassavettes? Boom.

Late night, the D-O-double G will be making an appearance at Vision nightclub in midtown.

Saturday night, FAB recommends the Modern Society show with Creve Coeur and Kill Gordon at Vinyl.

And Sunday afternoon is the monthly meetup for the New York Corned Beef Society of Atlanta at Twain's in Decatur. Instead of the usual buffet style, starting this week, the pastrami and corned beef sandwiches will be served right at your table.

Masturbatory Goodness for the Unexceptional

2006-03-02T13:16:00.000-05:00

Because all bloggers are inherently narcissistic and probably dream of being plucked out of cyber obscurity by the supplicant literatti bearing huge signing bonuses, but not all of us can actually write. To meet this obvious need to spend money and explore different mediums for self-love, the capitalist process presents to you, blogger do-it-publishing. We're sure it would make a tasty Hannukah present for your Jewish parents. Look Ma, I may have dropped out of law school, but I'm, like, totally a published author now.

Media Burp

2006-03-02T12:43:00.000-05:00

Celebrities who have very large heads.

Does Whitney have another crackbun in the oven?

"EDDIE Murphy's ongoing divorce battle could threaten to open the trannie closet from his past - particularly if information from a private eye once retained by the "Beverly Hills Cop" star falls into his estranged wife's hands." Which it certainly won't now that it's been published on Page Six.

You Ain't No Picasso interviews Page France.

Lil' Kim's lil' girls try to escape.

Video shows Bush new Katrina was gonna be "the Big One" even before the storm hit land. Clever little fucker, isn't he?

NY Public Library buys Burroughs archive.

CYHSY to do Letterman tonight.

Arctic Monkeys to do SNL.

AJC rated one of the best blogging newspapers in the country.

McDonald's Tel Aviv to change signs to appear more heckshered.

Of Montreal plan more reissues. MoreMoreMore!

WHICH very married pop superstar played a vigorous game of tonsil hockey with the much-younger drummer in her band at a recent L.A. party?

Apparently the city not as impressed with Del Posto as the NYTimes, FAB.

Blogger blogs defends hipster bloggers blogs. Or something.

As implausible as it sounds, Fall Out Boy to play secret show at the Knit in NY under the name Saved Latin.

As implausible as it sounds, new Pearl Jam drops May 1.

Lollapalooza tickets on sale.

Belle and Sebastian get a "meh" from Pitchfork.

Spin loses Chuck Klosterman.

Unsurprisingly, nobody bought MYSpace Records Vol. 1.

When Self Important Movie Stars Attack

2006-03-02T12:40:00.000-05:00

More pictures here.