Sunday, April 18, 2004
Fat Asian Baby Writes a Play
Here are a couple little vignettes from the play I'm writing about my cousin's Bar Mitzvah.
SCENE
Setting: elevator waiting area, lobby of hotel in affluent Boston suburb.
characters: our hero will be played by the Fat Asian Baby herself
Obnoxiously Precocious Female Devil-Child from Georgia where the peaches grow, about seven
years old
Assortment of other hotel guests
Obnoxiously Precocious Female Devil-Child: to our hero You're really pretty
Fat Asian Baby: Thank you. You're really pretty too.
OPFD-C: I really like people with slitty eyes. I think Chinese people are really pretty. Pulls on corner of own eyes as though to punctuate point.
FAB: I'm not Chinese.
OPFD-C: I like Japanese people too.
FAB: I'm not Japanese.
OPFD-C: Well I like slanty eyes that are really small. Can you see very much? You're eyes are so small.
FAB: Yeah they're kinda small, but I think I can see as much as other people.
OPFD-C: But they're like small slits. How do you see? Can you see up there? Gestures toward the celing.
FAB: I dunno how it works. But you know, some people have small mouths but they still talk too much.
OPFD-C: Like me!
FAB: yep. Just like you.
Elevator doors open. Everybody gets on. Doors close.
END SCENE
NEW SCENE
Setting: "bar" inside catering hall in affluent Boston suburb
Characters: again, our hero will be played by the Fat Asian Baby
Gentleman of a certain age, manning the parking validation stamp which is somewhat ironically
located at the bar while apparently also filling in as bouncer for the bar area.
Other adult Bar Mitzvah celebrants
College Age Bar Mitzvah Attendee
Flamboyantly Bitchy Catering Hall Manager
Fat Asian Baby waits patiently for her bloody mary while assistant bartender runs downstairs to replenish ridiculously depleted supply of bloody mary mix (note: bar mitzvah reception had begun about 10 minutes earlier, so it is unclear why they had already run out of bloody mary mix at this early point in the game unless they had foolishly brought up only one, read it, one bottle of bloody mary mix to set up the bar).
Gentleman of a Certain Age: to Fat Asian Baby Are you over 18?
Fat Asian Baby: The drinking age is 21 now. And yes, I'm over 21. Thank you. FAB takes bloody mary and walks away from bar.
Cut to fifteen minutes later, table 16. FAB seated next to College Age Bar Mitzvah Attendee also drinking a bloody mary, murmured polite conversation...
Flamboyantly Bitchy Catering Hall Manager suddenly appears behind FAB and College Age Bar Mitzvah Attendee
FBCHM: in an abrupt and accusatory manner to CABMA, Did you get that drink yourself?
CABMA: yes.
FBCHM: do you have ID?
CABMA: I didn't bring it with me to the Bar Mitzvah, no.
FBCHM: swoops in, removes offending drink. You can't have that. Stalks off with drink leaving CABMA and FAB bewilderingly pondering the exchange and blatant robbery of precious bloody mary.
END SCENE
SCENE
Setting: elevator waiting area, lobby of hotel in affluent Boston suburb.
characters: our hero will be played by the Fat Asian Baby herself
Obnoxiously Precocious Female Devil-Child from Georgia where the peaches grow, about seven
years old
Assortment of other hotel guests
Obnoxiously Precocious Female Devil-Child: to our hero You're really pretty
Fat Asian Baby: Thank you. You're really pretty too.
OPFD-C: I really like people with slitty eyes. I think Chinese people are really pretty. Pulls on corner of own eyes as though to punctuate point.
FAB: I'm not Chinese.
OPFD-C: I like Japanese people too.
FAB: I'm not Japanese.
OPFD-C: Well I like slanty eyes that are really small. Can you see very much? You're eyes are so small.
FAB: Yeah they're kinda small, but I think I can see as much as other people.
OPFD-C: But they're like small slits. How do you see? Can you see up there? Gestures toward the celing.
FAB: I dunno how it works. But you know, some people have small mouths but they still talk too much.
OPFD-C: Like me!
FAB: yep. Just like you.
Elevator doors open. Everybody gets on. Doors close.
END SCENE
NEW SCENE
Setting: "bar" inside catering hall in affluent Boston suburb
Characters: again, our hero will be played by the Fat Asian Baby
Gentleman of a certain age, manning the parking validation stamp which is somewhat ironically
located at the bar while apparently also filling in as bouncer for the bar area.
Other adult Bar Mitzvah celebrants
College Age Bar Mitzvah Attendee
Flamboyantly Bitchy Catering Hall Manager
Fat Asian Baby waits patiently for her bloody mary while assistant bartender runs downstairs to replenish ridiculously depleted supply of bloody mary mix (note: bar mitzvah reception had begun about 10 minutes earlier, so it is unclear why they had already run out of bloody mary mix at this early point in the game unless they had foolishly brought up only one, read it, one bottle of bloody mary mix to set up the bar).
Gentleman of a Certain Age: to Fat Asian Baby Are you over 18?
Fat Asian Baby: The drinking age is 21 now. And yes, I'm over 21. Thank you. FAB takes bloody mary and walks away from bar.
Cut to fifteen minutes later, table 16. FAB seated next to College Age Bar Mitzvah Attendee also drinking a bloody mary, murmured polite conversation...
Flamboyantly Bitchy Catering Hall Manager suddenly appears behind FAB and College Age Bar Mitzvah Attendee
FBCHM: in an abrupt and accusatory manner to CABMA, Did you get that drink yourself?
CABMA: yes.
FBCHM: do you have ID?
CABMA: I didn't bring it with me to the Bar Mitzvah, no.
FBCHM: swoops in, removes offending drink. You can't have that. Stalks off with drink leaving CABMA and FAB bewilderingly pondering the exchange and blatant robbery of precious bloody mary.
END SCENE
