Fat Asian Baby

Oh god. I have officially made my return to the suburban lifestyle, and worse, to my parents' house. After two days of successfully dodging urgent parental phone calls with some transparent excuse about patchy cell phone service, I finally had to face the music and retreat to Westchester for a dentist appointment. A word to all dental hygeinests (goddammit. i hate spelling. how do you spell hygeine? hygiene? fuck it. you know what i mean) out there: no matter how cheerful you are, i'm still not going to like you. in fact, i'd say my level of genuine friendliness will be inversely proportional to your level of forced cheerfulness. So just save it.
Now I'm pitifully stripped of smokes, booze, and illegal substances earmarked for recreational consumption, and I'm trapped in an old house, the internal climate of which resembles that of a refridgerator, with two bossy jewish people who like to tell me what they think i should do with my time right now, tomorrow, and every day thereafter. And worst of all, there's no cable tv.
HELP!