Fat Asian Baby

In just a few weeks the Fat Asian Baby will be attending her first real peer wedding. Now, there is much I could say on this matter of my age-mates getting married already, but I won't bore you all with that old diatribe. What I really want to know is where the hell am I supposed to find something "black tie" that is also Orthodox Jew appropriate - that is, a shmata that covers the parts of my body that black tie dresses generally pride themselves in not covering.
Please advise.