Fat Asian Baby

My fellow blogger and all-around best girl recently received an email from a Moldy, Old Quasi-Thing who subsequently went on to "date" another of our best friends. On behalf of said friend, I thought I might share some of MOQT's insightful thoughts on her blog which I shall generously refer to as a retro-feminist critique calling for a rearticulation of her identity as female and will provide my own analysis in brackets:

"Does this mean I should read your site. No pictures this time I
hope [apparently Mr. Self-Absorbed thought that she had put up pictures of herself with his other love interest to make him jealous. Um yes, everytime a girl posts pictures on her blog of herself and her best friend, it is usually to make some guy jealous.]...and can you please change the name of that damn site. [FAB thinks the name is wickedly clever] It's not a subtle allusion that you make[nope, but I'm pretty sure it is, in fact, funny. And it IS the girl's name after all, aided only by the ingenious use of an eminently appropriate preposition] and I would probably link to it otherwise [How generous of you]. I don't want vagina with my afternoon coffee. [Your loss] You only have to deal with what's under your own tree which is fine. [Ball sweat?] That word has a negative connotation and makes me think of all the presents I wish I had never opened. [What an instructive analogy, sir. This is the point where I would like to recommend therapy. Let's get this straight, you have a vehemently negative connotation with a certain, arguably crucial, bit of the female anatomy?] Thanks santa. [You're welcome?] Just what I wanted, a smell that I would never forget. [Now isn't that sweet] And for god sakes stop don't talk about gross things on there. [Lest we destroy your already fragile illusion that girls are actually just magic unicorns who subsist on Lucky Charms marshmallows?] Toe nails etc. Yuck. [Yep, they're not that pretty, but yes, you've heard correctly, girls DO have toenails.] You're a pretty girl, [Shucks, you think she's pretty?] I don't want to think of you like that. [Like what? Having toenails?] You're like [other best friend] talking about eating beans until she's an open-flame fire hazard. [Ok. She is a gassy motherfucker. I have ridden in a closed space with her for several hours and can attest to my near suffocation, but are girls not allowed to fart now or something? Or have a sense of humor about anything? I suppose it does ruin the Lucky Charms eating magic unicorn illusion...] Great, now I sound like an old grandma. [mysoginist pig?] Ok I'll read it..."

I wish you Godspeed in finding that perfect fartless, toenail-less, vagina-less dream girl you've so been yearning for, my friend. Now please excuse me while I hobble off to the kitchen, this foot binding is such a fucking bitch.