Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Would It Kill Them To At Least Get Cable? 

Next time FAB makes intimations about returning to the FABFamily Homestead for a duration exceeding 3 to 5 days, someone please intervene. I have the distinct impression of teetering on the edge of a steep precipice, with nothing to lose but a thin thread sanity and any sense of well-being I may have once possessed. Since the triumphant return, FAB has attended numerous gatherings of my parents' or grandparents' friends, who range in age from mid-50s to mid-90s, at which I was forced to engage in no fewer than 87 conversations on the subject of grad school (I will graduate when I finish my thesis/No this probably won't be in May/No I haven't yet started my thesis/Well actually I probably should have started it way back in September/Yes I know what the thesis topic will be/No I don't want to talk about it with you/In fact I don't really want to talk about it at all because that will force me to think about it and I'd rather eat this bagel instead/Oh so you're really interested in hearing about it? OK I'm going to be doing a meta-analysis on female genital cutting and obstetric complications would you care for another glass of eggnog?) and life after grad school (No I don't know what I want to do/No I haven't started looking for a job/No I don't know if I will stay in Georgia/Why yes I do really live in Georgia/I like it just fine thank you/No I'm not even sure if I really want to go into the field for which I am about to finish graduate school and actually I don't even really want to go back to graduate school to finish the last semester, and while we're on the topic, I'm not even that gung-ho about getting a job anyway, lately I've been trying to win the lottery, but no luck so far/Actually I secretly fantasize about running away and starting a new life somewhere where nobody knows me).

In addition, I have been admonished for partaking in ANOTHER roast beef sandwich; cut off after a fourth glass of wine; harrassed with the evil South Beach Diet book; forced to submit to embarrassing family holiday photos then reminded of my status as Family Fatty; been asked what "female circumcision" means by my cousin's 11 year old daughter; received an XL J. Crew argyle sweater, a "The Gates" wall calendar, a night shirt, and some toiletry items purchased at Whole Foods in yet another dismal year of family holiday gifts, and tried to help a woman on the computer for whom the desktop metaphor remains a complete mystery and has remained so for the past twenty years that she has guilted me into helping her on the computer because it's not her fault she still doesn't understand since she didn't grow up with computers even though it's quite clear if she still doesn't understand what icons, folders, documents, windows, toolbars, cursors and the like are about then maybe email isn't the most efficient means of communication for some of us, hmmm?

I'm secretly hoping that the FABParents drive me to some sort of dramatic meltdown that will prevent me from returning for what was supposed to be my final semester, but not before I have a chance to write to the classmate responsible for the Class Notes section of my alma mater's charming alumni quarterly Columbia College Today about my fantastic achievements:
Since graduating from the College, Fat Asian Baby '02, remains unwed and otherwise unengaged and is about to receive a master's degree in a topic she isn't particularly excited to pursue. She is presently unemployed, but FAB is pleased to share her exciting achievements outside of the academe: she has played a total 17,393 games of Free Cell with a summary win rate of 78% and reached the impressively high score of 87,000 on the online speed Mahjongg available for free from MySpace Games.

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