Fat Asian Baby

Dear World (Media, I'm talking to you, in particular),

When the heavily anticipated Harry Potter conclusion releases at the end of this week, please please please please please KEEP IT TO YOUR DAMN SELF. Fat Asian Baby is nothing if not cheap and slow. We will be reading the final installment probably as a fourth or fifth person handmedown from either Hey Mama or Former Roommate D.
FAB has had a rather difficult time avoiding Sopranos spoilers as we have yet to catch up on the last 2 1/2 seasons. Since we've only viewed about 2 Sopranos seasons in order and in their near entirety, we were hoping to rent the entire series on Netflix, begin at the beginning, and end at the ending, possibly in one dark weekend (kinda like how we watched the entire Godfather trilogy one weekend when our stupid exbf was on tour).
Even as we frantically navigated away from our news-related homepage (alternately NYTimes.com and Google News),changed the channel to avoid any late night talk show discussion of the ended, walked out of the room when NPR chimed in, dissecting the conclusion, we still know that the series ends in an ambiguous fade to black thanks to its role as a ubiquitous cultural reference artfully slipped into articles we naively thought safe to read (about advertising culture, about politics, about food, you name it). So thanks for that. Really.
But if FAB sleepily turns on the computer/opens up the newspaper/channel surfs by CNN only to be assaulted by frantic headlines like "Potter Defeats Voldemort. Teen Wizard Dies," we will probably start foaming at the mouth as our eyeballs roll inward to examine the backside of the pea-sized FAB brain before spontaneously popping out of the sockets and rolling under the table or through the door light old cheesy meatballs of yore. In other words, WE WILL NOT BE PLEASED!
Got it?

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX,

Fat Asian Baby

P.S. I could totally go for a super cold half-sour dill pickle, sliced in half.