Thursday, March 29, 2007

An Open Letter to G-d 

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Dear G-d who art in heaven, or wherever,

Please please please send me one of these teeny tiny horses for my birthday (April 27, in case you forgot). I was trying to arrange a group field trip to Talladega Superspeedway because the idea of tailgating at 8 in the morning out the hatchback of my Toyota Prius is all kinds of awesome, but I would honestly consider sacrificing the holy awesomeness of this trip if you could deliver unto me one of these. Just imagine how cool I'd be tooling around lower Manhattan with one of these furry little guys. Way cooler than all those titwads with their toy whatevers in their Herve Chapelier bags I tell you.

Please please please please please.

Many thanks.
Your humble servant,

Fat Asian Baby

P.S. What's the deal with the size of Devorah's head? Judging from her given name, she is one of your chosen people, but looking at her oversized gourd one would think she had displeased you in some way.

P.P.S. While my desire for a guide horse is totally in earnest, please do not interpret this to mean that I also desire to become visually impaired. Just thought I should be clear about that. Kthxby.

P.P.P.S. Oh. Also G-d, considering that most people who are in the market for a guide horse are, in fact, visually impaired, don't you think it's kinda mean that the font on the website's links are so v. v. tiny. I mean, even I had trouble reading most of it.

Friday, March 09, 2007

A Vignette for the New Millenium: This is totally gonna bust up the space-time continuum. The part where the conversation leads into the now, that is. 

Setting: The internets. The chat function, more specifically.

Fat Asian Baby: following friends to the gay bar last night at 1 was the wrong decision. do not feel so super awesome

Smokie LePlume: funny. everyone i have talked to today is hungover. myself included. what is our problem? but i got tanked on a half bottle of wine and a beer, so i'm not overly bloated

FAB: i can't tell if i'm hungover, in the traditionall sense. or just really really tired

SLP: we like drinking

FAB: i mean, i just don't feel good

SLP: but

FAB: but

SLP: really

FAB: it's not like i'm gonna vom. or my head. i just don't feel good

SLP: i'm kind of tired of it. like, it tires me out to drink these days

FAB: want to lay down. and go to sleep

SLP: yeah. and watch movies. the fact that drinking is too much energy to expend for me indicates that i am the laziest person around

FAB: yeah. me too though. i am so lazy. i wish this was a marketable asset

SLP: maybe if you made a streaming video of yourself being lazy you would blow up on the internet

FAB: maybe. but i'm not sure about its relative entertainment value

SLP: that's where the music comes in

FAB: ooooh. i mean, i actually feel like laziness should be a marketable asset

SLP: i wholeheartedly agree

FAB: because it forces me to be efficient. i am a master of efficiency because i don't like wasting my energy if i don't have to. so i always find the shortest way from a to b. ie: if i don't HAVE to go to a class to still do ok, i don't. or if i don't HAVE to read a certain book to write a paper, i don't. i find the easiest way to do stuff, with the least energy expenditure and then i do it that way. that should be marketable

SLP: right. now you just have to find a way to reason how you use that time saved

FAB: oooh. but who cares how i spend it. the only salient point is that time was saved. and time is money. and energy is money. so i am saving both time and energy, which is like 2(money). hmm. wonder if i should put this in a cover letter. ha.

SLP: yeah but that was exactly what i was thinking. if you have the extra time, don't you spend more money? so really two times the time, half the money. or just ignore me and go with your thesis. it's much catchier.

FAB: indeed. man, i wish more people could appreciate me. i mean, i'm always coming up with gems and for what really? hrmph. i need more exposure. i'm amazing. more people need to understand this. and embrace it.

SLP: i've always thought you should be on television. like, a show on style or food or e! where you sit there and quite bluntly tell the audience what you like and what you do not like, and what social theory you are presently pondering.

FAB: yes. i agree. or like [name redacted] who thought i should have a tv show called [FAB] and the city. he thought my escapades would be far more entertaining than sex and the city. i wonder if i'm not too lazy to post this entire conversation on the blog. i feel it amuses me

SLP: [redacted] could be your version of carrie's gay friend. you'd have to open a new window

FAB: hmm. true. and i wonder if this line of conversation is remotely amusing to people who aren't me. let's give it a try

SLP: but then, according to your theory, you would have covered the work of a blog post while dicking around on the internet. gina will like it. so that's two

FAB: right. the only thing i do really well is open more browser windows. i pretty much rule at that. what do you want to be called?

SLP: [redacted] is fine. i ain't scared. or smokie leplume, my new blogger name.

FAB: which do you prefer? [redacted] or smokie leplume?

SLP: are you fatasianbaby?

FAB: yes. FAB. for the purpose of vignettes

SLP: okay i'll be smokie leplume. that was hard.

FAB: yeah.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Rescue Me 

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usThere was a Vitamin Water promotional van parked across the street from the Fat Asian office this afternoon. A promotional van. Complete with speakers for blasting the masses with god knows what healthy living propaganda. FAB went back inside to grab a post-it note which we stuck to the driver-side window which read: Why don't we have Green Tea Vitamin Water in Georgia??
We just checked and the van is gone.
We can only hope that the revolution has begun.

In other news, it was nearly 70 degrees when FAB got to work this morning. Right now we're sweltering in a tank top and jeans and FAB's armpits had begun to feel a bit, how shall we put it, juicy? In response, we decided to sit at the computer with arms raised staight overhead to see if that might remedy the problem. It's a wonder that some lucky guy hasn't snatched us up yet, no?

Friday, March 02, 2007

An Open Letter (Of Sorts) 

Dear Baby Jesus,

Please can you help me find a remunerable position whose primary deliverables involve exploring the myriad uses of pork and its by-products, pickles and all of the condiments yet known to man?



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