Fat Asian Baby

Surely there is a good all-out scratch and shitkicking catfight in the making here. Brandon Flowers sure is pretty, but FAB can't wait until the smackdown hits Page Six because we're pretty sure New Yorkers can kick Mormon ass any day.

At least I take comfort in the fact that I will not be the only one partying down in the fiery depths of hell.
Terri Schiavo's blog (via viagina).

Tonight at the Earl, The Press and Psychic Hearts open for one of FAB's least favorite local bands, the Marsh.
Kiss Atlanta interviewed Psychic Hearts last week.

New York Press hates bloggers, athletes, Rocco and Giff. Check out their list of the 50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers. (via A Socialite's Life)

We are beginning to suspect that the Page Six gophers are actually just a bunch of sick sadists. First they gross us out with suggestions about Jacko's allegedly abnormal anatomy and now dropping "Star Jones" and "erotica" in the same post. You guys are sick! SICK!

The ad-hoc faculty committee report at Columbia found "no evidence of any statements made by the faculty that could reasonably be construed as anti-Semitic."
We have been following the story rather closely since it not only involves our alma mater but also our own small department and therefore many of our favorite professors. Although people on both sides seem dissatisfied with the report, FAB is simply relieved at the possibility of moving forward.

New Oasis single leaked to the public?

Blogging about the media talking about blogging about the media.

All at our alma mater.

Oh the irony.

Even in her allegedly delicate condition, Mrs. Federline gets jilted for Las Vegas.

Paris gets propositioned to trade her womanly virtues for cash.

Marc Anthony continues to be painfully and tediously cheesy.

Quite frankly, we're shocked. SHOCKED.

And FAB's favorite small gay man in a white polar bear suit, Marc Jacobs, gets nominated for women's wear designer of the year.

Tickets for Bright Eyes and the Faint at Earthlink Live on May 30th go on sale Friday at 10am. Atlanta Music Guide is giving away a pair of free tickets. To enter, email them the answers to the following questions:
1) What other Saddle Creek Records band is Conor Oberst in?
2) What is the name of The Faint's most recent CD?
They'll draw & notify the winner at 9:59am Friday April 1st.

UGA makes national news today. Apparently some people are upset that the University of Georgia once wasn't really that into black people. Man, if they're that upset to learn that people once used the n-word, just imagine how pissed off they're gonna be when they finally get wind of that whole slavery thing.

Tonight check out Athens electropopstars I am the World Trade Center at the Earl.

Dear Johnny,

For months now, the Fat Asian Baby has ignored the fact that the pizza at Johnny's New York Style Pizza in actuality bears very little resemblance to the sort of pizza FAB used to eat while living the previous 23 years in New York - in other words, what we might properly consider "New York Style" pizza, if there was actually to be such a thing. I have overlooked this fact because, while your pizza fails to seem "New York" to me, it is nonetheless quite tasty. As is your meatball parmesan sub. The chicken parm could use some work. But I digress.

Sunday night found me quite hungry and hankering for an Easter dinner of sausage-y, tomato-ey, cheese-y, treif-y goodness that would be an Italian sausage pizza. So I decided to give you a call. But you did not answer. You did not even pick up the phone. After several failed attempts to reach you, I wondered if perhaps you had changed your number. A quick internet search for your web site reassured me that your number had not changed. So I tried again. And again. In vain.

Much, much, much later, it occurs to me that perhaps you, Johnny, have closed your New York Style Pizza shop for the night because IT IS EASTER. Today is the celebration of the resurrection or (ascendance?) of your lord Jesus Christ, amen, into Heaven or the sky or, well, I'm really not quite sure where. This is a very important day indeed. But Johnny, just because we rejoice in Christ, THIS DOES NOT ALSO MEAN THAT WE STOP EATING PIZZA. Please change the name of your franchise. On Christmas, New York's many fine Chinese restaurants continue to serve up shrimp lo mein to the hungry masses. And I assure you, Oh fine maker of pizza, that even on Easter, New York's pizza industry surely does not come to a screeching halt.

Respectfully yours,

Fat Asian Baby

P.S. Judging from the hour and a half I had to wait for Dominos to deliver, there is a market for Easter Pizza in Atlanta as well. So perhaps you should get busy.

P.P.S. If you were not closed for Easter, but, as I had first suspected, your phones were just broken, please disregard the entire preceding message except for the part about the chicken parm subs. They're kinda salty.

Apparently that wasn't really Vincent Gallo after all but a cock-double. Whew! Well, I guess we can all get on with our lives now. (via A Socialite's Life)

I am crazy and refuse to stand still for a photo.

What What?

On sale tomorrow:
Weezer at The Tabernacle on Sat, 05/14/05

And, uh, you didn't hear it from us, but tickets for the, um, Backstreet Boys at Earthlink on April 14th are on sale now.

And let's all party like it's 1993 cause, oh, you know, Boyz II Men at the Mable House Amphitheatre in Mableton, GA, May 27th go on sale Monday.

Burp.

Need I say any more?

If you like beer and think Duke sucks, check out the Atlanta Fark Party, Saturday the 26th at 6:00 pmish, Dave & Busters on 85 in Gwinnett.

The Village Voice runs ODB's final interview. (via Brooklyn Vegan)

They're alternative. They're pop. They're whatever you want to call them. Check out the French Kicks at the Earl tonight.

Lifted directly from the Baltimore Sun:

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - Orioles pitcher Eric DuBose was arrested and charged with driving under the influence early Monday morning in Sarasota, Fla., before making a start later that day at the team's minor league complex. He was released on $500 bond.

DuBose, 28, was arrested at 1:17 a.m. after an officer on foot patrol observed the pitcher's black GMC truck swerving into an oncoming lane, according to the Sarasota County police report. DuBose also came close to rear-ending another vehicle, the report said...

According to the report, Deputy David Clark Jr. saw DuBose's truck swerve across the yellow line three times. Clark noted that DuBose's speech was slurred, and the pitcher exhibited poor balance, had watery and blood-shot eyes and an "odor of alcoholic beverage."

The report states DuBose informed Clark he had "a couple" drinks at the Cafe Gardens and Daquiri Deck in Sarasota. When instructed to recite the alphabet, DuBose allegedly said, "I'm from Alabama, and they have a different alphabet."

“The magazines range from the 80’s to the present day. Over time the Engrish has gotten better, the women have gotten hotter and the titles have become downright stupid.” Japanese Underground Uncensored Porn covers at Adult Engrish via fleshbot.

Next up: the Real World Atlanta? (via Goldenfiddle)

A federal jury orders Clearchannel to pay $90 million for "anticompetative behavior" (via Matt Drudge). Take that, bitches!

Every since Kelly Osbourne's new single came out, people have been speculating about the photo of her and what appeared to be someone's mad photoshop skills. Now some are speculating as to who that really is on the cover masquerading as Kelly. But we ask ourselves, is that girl even supposed to be Kelly Osbourne? I mean, c'mon. When we first saw it, it didn't even cross our cottage cheese brains that the girl in the photo was Kelly herself or Kelly Imposter. We just assumed it was some random chick, you know, like the Bee Girl on the cover of Blind Melon's self titled album.

Spoon announces North American tour, including a stop with British three-piece, the Clientele, at the Variety Playhouse in L5 on June 1.


Do you have faith in your diet? "A biblically inspired diet" urges you to enjoy raw vegetable juices and pray when hungry in order to achieve a totally cut, bad-ass body like Jesus had.

They sounded just like they do in the studio, not that there's anything wrong with that. Besides, those boys sure are pretty. It was our first time at the Tabernacle, and we must say that as a venue, it is completely overrated. Sure it has that old school charm, but the setup pretty much screws anybody who is shorter than, say, 7 feet tall*. Nonetheless, FAB was as happy as a pig in shit to be there.







*To the girl standing behind me: I am not 7 feet tall. In fact, I'm barely even 5'4". I'm sure your breasts are quite lovely. However, I don't feel that the most appropriate place for them to rest throughout the duration of the concert was squished in the middle of my back. I'm sure some would find that quite pleasant, but to be perfectly honest, it made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

As you may realize by now, the Fat Asian Baby is, well, asian. And FAB does not yet have the benefit of any eye-popping interventions like eyelid surgery or eye glue. This means that on many occasions (ie. when laughing uncontrollably or really, really stoned or some combination of the two), certain asshole friends have inquired as to whether our small asian eyes are actually open or if they're closed. Today we have ascertained beyond a shadow of a doubt that if we sit in the rear of the classroom and maintain an attentive posture throughout the class, the professor will not notice if we rest our eyelids for a minute or thirty. Rather, she will simply conclude that we have v. v. small eyes indeed.

Tonight, check out fellow New Yorkers, Interpol, supported by Blonde Redhead at the Tabernacle.
Or head over to the Gwinnett Arena to hear Maroon 5.

Doggone it! You leave the country for a few days and it's suddenly like you don't even exist. Apparently I missed several concerts (Kaiser Chiefs, the aforementioned Hot Hot Heat-the Bravery-Louis XIV shindig at the Loft, Snowden, Morning Theft, and tonight Kings of Leon).

But most disappointingly of all, I missed the fantastically yet unintentionally hilarious conclusion to the Atlanta Fugitive Cum Hostage Incident of '05. Even the Fat Asian Baby herself could never have dreamed up something as absurdly amusing as the daily fodder that life throws us. Incidentally, FAB wonders if this Purpose Driven Life book is some kind of less thinly veiled version of the ubiquitously overrated book, The Alchemist (which was itself rather scantily veiled, if you ask me).

And in more news that may not actually be news but I report it as I hear it, the Music Midtown 2005 lineup is, well, up, and sounding quite good. Except for the part where they conveniently moved the dates from May until June so that FAB will conveniently be out of town for what threatens to be the most awesomest few days in A-town. Personally, I blame Coachella.

Lil' Kim found guilty of perjury.

Some asshole stole all of the Decemberists' stuff. (via Brooklyn Vegan)

On Sale Today:
For all you dirty hippies, Trey Anastasio will be at the Fabulous Fox Theatre Atlanta,
Fri, 05/06/05

Dishwalla will be at Variety Playhouse, Wed, 05/04/05


On Sale Tomorrow:
Last chance to see U2 at Philips Arena, Sat, 11/19/05.

The white Ben Harper, Jack Johnson, will be at Chastain Park Amphitheatre on Sat, 09/03/05.

On Sale Wednesday About Which We Are Really Quite Excited:
The Shins at the Variety Playhouse, Tue, 05/03/05

Mes amis, I forgot to mention on Friday that I was heading out the door for some fun in the rain in Paris. Posting will continue next Monday at the latest. In the meantime, amuse yourself with my friends to the right.

Suspect still at large. Local Atlanta schools in lockdown. Second wounded deputy expected to survive. FAB still in boring statistical analysis computer lab class. Updates here.

Boy George tries to start an international celebrity cat fight by criticizing Madonna as a hypocrite for her wacked out kabbalistic ways and calling Rosie O'Donnell "a Pottery Barn lesbian." Ouch!

This Saturday, check out New York hipster darlings The Bravery at the Loft (formerly Vinyl). And on Sunday, check out the hot hot hype of Hot Hot Heat and Louis XIV also at at the Loft.

As previously mentioned, tickets for the Mars Volta show at the Tabernacle go on sale to the general public today.

Also on sale today:

Collective Soul at Symphony Hall Atlanta on Sat, 04/23/05

Sum 41 with Unwritten Law and Hawthorne Heights at The Tabernacle on Wed, 04/27/05


Billy Idol at The Tabernacle on Tue, 04/19/05

Nelly at the Atlanta Civic Center on Thu, 04/21/05.

And on sale tomorrow:

U2 at the Philips Arena on Fri, 11/18/05

Rape suspect shoots and kills a judge, deputy, and court reporter in downtown Atlanta courthouse and still manages to carjack several cars and escape up I-75.
AJC coverage here.
NYT coverage here.

It seems MJ and FAB have more in common that makes us comfortable. Apparently the uproar was over nothing as Jacko finally did show up. An hour late. In his pajamas.

Has the Wacko finally seen the man in the mirror and gone into hiding?
Judge issues arrest warrant and threatens to revoke his $3 million dollar bail if Jacko doesn't show up in the next twenty minutes.
Hmmm....

Check out Japanese company Eye Talk's instructional video (via Goldenfiddle). It seems the Fat Asian Baby can finally have eyelids of her own and without the painful expense of eyelid surgery so popular in Korea these days. I particular enjoy the part where the model in the video pokes her eyelids to make the glue set, and her eyeball looks like it's about to pop out of the socket. If that's not the picture of an international standard of beauty, I don't know what is.
And I bet this means I can even start wearing fake eyelashes as well. Some of us may remember the incident a few years ago where we tried to attach some fake eyelashes (actually, I can't even remember why now) and realized it was utterly impossible due to my unfortunate Mongoloid features that lack any sort of discernible eyelids.
Well those days are over. Watch out!

Apparently bicoastal stylist extraordinaire Karen Berenson really knows what she's talking about. According to today's Page Six, anorexia really is all the rage these days. FAB was all ready to snicker at that Juvoven fellow for the seven minutes thing until I realized that it's a woman. C'mon people. Two chicks going to the bathroom together (oooh! that never happens) in a popular restaurant and spending an entire seven minutes there does NOT constitute news.

FAB hates to bring these sorts of things up because it means that real life is intruding into my ign'ant little bubble, and quite frankly, it just isn't funny at all. But this is too important to go without mention. I'm not too sure what kind of mindless hoohas are running my lovely adopted home state of Georgia, but tomorrow, the State House of Representatives will vote on HB 83, a bill exempting certain health insurance plans from covering critical preventative health services currently required by law including mammograms, prostate cancer screenings, STD screenings, prescription contraceptives, and hospital stays following childbirth and mastectomies.

Click here to contact your House Rep and tell him or her that they suck a big one if they're planning to support this bill. Seriously folks. They're totally not fucking around here.

My fellow blogger and all-around best girl recently received an email from a Moldy, Old Quasi-Thing who subsequently went on to "date" another of our best friends. On behalf of said friend, I thought I might share some of MOQT's insightful thoughts on her blog which I shall generously refer to as a retro-feminist critique calling for a rearticulation of her identity as female and will provide my own analysis in brackets:

"Does this mean I should read your site. No pictures this time I
hope [apparently Mr. Self-Absorbed thought that she had put up pictures of herself with his other love interest to make him jealous. Um yes, everytime a girl posts pictures on her blog of herself and her best friend, it is usually to make some guy jealous.]...and can you please change the name of that damn site. [FAB thinks the name is wickedly clever] It's not a subtle allusion that you make[nope, but I'm pretty sure it is, in fact, funny. And it IS the girl's name after all, aided only by the ingenious use of an eminently appropriate preposition] and I would probably link to it otherwise [How generous of you]. I don't want vagina with my afternoon coffee. [Your loss] You only have to deal with what's under your own tree which is fine. [Ball sweat?] That word has a negative connotation and makes me think of all the presents I wish I had never opened. [What an instructive analogy, sir. This is the point where I would like to recommend therapy. Let's get this straight, you have a vehemently negative connotation with a certain, arguably crucial, bit of the female anatomy?] Thanks santa. [You're welcome?] Just what I wanted, a smell that I would never forget. [Now isn't that sweet] And for god sakes stop don't talk about gross things on there. [Lest we destroy your already fragile illusion that girls are actually just magic unicorns who subsist on Lucky Charms marshmallows?] Toe nails etc. Yuck. [Yep, they're not that pretty, but yes, you've heard correctly, girls DO have toenails.] You're a pretty girl, [Shucks, you think she's pretty?] I don't want to think of you like that. [Like what? Having toenails?] You're like [other best friend] talking about eating beans until she's an open-flame fire hazard. [Ok. She is a gassy motherfucker. I have ridden in a closed space with her for several hours and can attest to my near suffocation, but are girls not allowed to fart now or something? Or have a sense of humor about anything? I suppose it does ruin the Lucky Charms eating magic unicorn illusion...] Great, now I sound like an old grandma. [mysoginist pig?] Ok I'll read it..."

I wish you Godspeed in finding that perfect fartless, toenail-less, vagina-less dream girl you've so been yearning for, my friend. Now please excuse me while I hobble off to the kitchen, this foot binding is such a fucking bitch.

Presale for tickets for the Mars Volta show at the Tabernacle, Friday April, 29th, starts tomorrow at 10am.
Click here for pre-sale.
Regular sale starts Friday at AtlantaConcerts.com and Ticketmaster.
Thanks to FABBro for the heads-up.

Oh my goodness. This article. I hardly even know where to begin. Or what to say. They nearly done rendered FAB speechless. The ridiculous headline: "Mary-Kate, Fashion Star" is a bucket of chuckles in and of itself. It seems that while the rest of us were busy gaping at Paris and Jessica, the Olsen twins have launched a FASHION REVOLUTION. Though, to be honest, the Fat Asian Baby can't quite tell just what the revolution is. Mary-Kate is the new fashion icon for the hipster set? Or "hip" is "in?" Or, wait, I think bicoastal stylist extraordinaire Karen Berenson hits the nail on the head.

"The Olsens are the real thing," fashion role models for a generation entering adulthood, said Karen Berenson, a stylist who works in New York and Los Angeles. She is unfazed by Mary-Kate Olsen's widely publicized admission last year to a clinic to treat an eating disorder and her continuing recovery. "She makes skinny girls in baggy clothes look cool," Ms. Berenson said.

Thank you Karen. I sure hope that she gets credit where credit is due because, lord knows, it's simply outstanding. Will make a mental note that skinny is the new black. And that bobo* is the new chic.

*Does this terminology make anyone else think of mating bonobos or am I just weird?

Parents pissed about that shiksa you brought home for Thanksgiving? This Saturday night, the Kosher Chameleon hosts The Matzah Bowl, 9pm-2am at Sugar Daddy's Tavern and Express Bowling Lanes. More information here.

Controversial and distinctly unfunny abortion bill passed through the Georgia State Senate this morning. Next stop: the governor's desk.

While the Fat Asian Baby normally believes everything found on Page Six, I was still incredulous about this news at first, but, after numerous corroborations, it seems that New York music landmarks like CBGBs and Tonic really are in danger of closing.

On sale today:
Indie weirdos The Decemberists will be at the Variety Playhouse, Monday, 5/9.

Pull on your shitkicker boots, and go back to the mid-nineties. Nine Inch Nails is coming to the Tabernacle, Saturday, 5/21.

On sale tomorrow:
Ubiquitous, emaciated vegetarian Moby comes to the Tabernacle Tuesday, 4/12.

FAB doesn't know rockabilly from rock-a-by, but I do know that the Reverend Horton Heat will be at the Roxy Saturday, 5/14

Check out March Bandness Battle of the Bands tonight at Andrews Upstairs in Buckhead. Support Fake Internet Boyfriend's bandmate's other band, Eller, or your other favorite Atlanta band.

The Misshapes party gets its second mention in the NYPost in association with The Duff. FAB must admit, some good times were had at Luke & Leroy's, but it's time the organizers officially put it out of its misery.
And Hillary recently lost her way and wandered into Lit? Uhh, that's just downright weird. If we had spotted Hillary at Lit, we probably would have interpreted it as a sign that we'd had far too much to drink and it was time to pack it in.

Inspiring words from richer, bitchier, more cleavagier FAB doppelganger:

"I will beat a bitch's ass...I don't play that disrespectful ho [bleep]. I have very little respect for those kinds of women. And if I catch you with my man, disrespecting, I will beat your ass."

I feel so warm and fuzzy inside now, Kimora.

No Jail Time for Naked Man Covered in Nacho Cheese. In our humble opinion, there aren't many greater pleasures in life than nudity, cheese, and vodka. Not that this is giving us any ideas or anything.

Umm, this is weird. Apparently some guy actually wants to become Michael Jackson. FAB just hopes he's being paid enough cause that's just downright creepy.

The new Martha Stewart Diet.