Fat Asian Baby

Bill Keller, executive editor of the New York Times, was the keynote speaker at a fundraising event last week hosted by the Fat Asian Baby's alma mater publication. Keller spoke on the struggle for print journalism to maintain its relevence, the impact of bloggers, blah blah blah. To the group of overanxious, budding young journalists and illustrious alums, the executive editor of The Paper of Record offers this pearl of wisdom:

"'A blog is still a view of the world through a pinhole,' he said, noting that it can sometimes fall as low as being a 'one man circle jerk.'"

Or in this case, one woman. Thanks, Bill.

Frighteningly enough, the biggest news of the day is the Fred Durst sex tape. Yes. You heard me right. Fred Durst. Sex Tape. If you're really interested, you can read more here, here, here, here, and here, you sickos.

On Sale today:
Iron and Wine (fresh from the Garden State and In Good Company Soundtracks, he's just released a new EP)at the Variety Playhouse, Wed, 04/13/05.

The more funnier and more Koreanier Margaret Cho at Symphony Hall, Thu, 06/09/05.

On Sale tomorrow:
The eminently beautiful Tori Amos at Symphony Hall, Mon, 04/04/05.
Presale possibly already started, but tickets go on sale for real tomorrow, so get your phones ready.

Snow Patrol at the Roxy, Thu, 05/26/05.

Velvet Revolver at HiFi Buys Amphitheatre, Fri, 05/06/05.

Tonight check out femme electro-rockers Le Tigre at the Roxy.

Part-time Beastie Boy and fellow member of the Tribe, DJ Mixmaster Mike, will be turning some tables tonight at the Loft .

Ohmygod! Why did no one bring this to my attention sooner???!!!?? Ahem.
In the perfect marriage of two of the Fat Asian Baby's great loves, bacon (and you know I'm not talking about Francis) and doing jack shit, BaconWhores will come and prepare bacon for you. And serve it to you in bed, presumably. And the Atlanta BaconWhore chef will be Jude Law, presumably. "Because the only thing better than bacon is someone to cook it for you." Sadly the Atlanta office seems to be completely booked for the next two weeks, but, believe you me, someone will anxiously be checking the website for availability.

In case you haven't noticed, things have been a bit slow here at FAB central of late. It seems that having three major assignments and an exam in one week results in rather paltry blogging (which is actually rather counterintuitive for us)*. But at any rate, I thought I'd just share the abridged version of the lovely conversation I had the other night with former college suitemate, L., who is presently pursuing some sort of hyper-academic PhD at the University of Chicago.

FAB: So I was wondering if you could, like, summarize Judith Butler's main argument about identity politics or whatever.
L: Uhh, well, it's been awhile.
FAB: Yeah, I've been reading all weekend about female genital cutting and theoretical critiques of our Western obsession. It all seems to come down to some kinda of post-structuralist tension between anthropological theory and feminist theory and stuff.
L: Which book?
FAB: Dunno. I've probably already read it anyway, but I can't remember shit.
L: I think her big deal with identity politics is just that it's totalizing. Ya, know?
FAB: Yeah, everything is fucking totalizing and essentializing. Everyone's othering everyone else. That's the whole point. I thought you'd know since she's like Lila Abu-Lughod's bitch or something. She fucking loves that shit.
L: Yeah. I never actually read any of her stuff, even though she was my advisor.
FAB: Whatever, so more importantly, I had a new item at Taco Bell tonight.
L: Oooooooooh! Did you have the new enchiladas?
FAB: No. It was drive-thru, so I didn't have adequate time to peruse the new options on the menu. I had this new spicy chicken burrito. It was ok. I think I'm going to stick with the bean burritos and double decker tacos though. I was quite pleased with myself that I was able to eat three items in under ten minutes. And they gave me extra fire sauce.
L: That's awesome.
FAB: Yeah. I guess I'll just have to do some research about the new items before I go next time.
L: Yeah.

*aided also by the rediscovery of Free Cell.

If you think emofolkyindiepop is for crybabies and mama's boys, check out the other side of Saddle Creek, hear Beep Beep tonight at MJQ.

I feel like I should probably put in some mention of the whole Paris camera phone thing that's been going around all weekend, featuring charming shots of (surprise!) Paris taken by (surprise!) Paris wearing (surprise!) not much, but...yawn...wait, what was I talk about again?

More newsworthy in FAB's opinion: counterculture hero and all around weirdo Hunter S. Thompson done shot himself, which, while sad, isn't really all that surprising.

Dear Anna,
I can't tell you how delighted I was to receive the March issue of Vogue. I was also pleased to see you celebrating women's empowerment with your fifth annual Power Issue "celebrating the spirit of independence" and "resistence to dominent forces." But Anna, it says on the cover that The Producer Sandra Bullock is going to provide her no doubt invaluable insight on Success, Staying Power, and Being Single at 40 inside the pages of your ten lb. tome. Anna, what has happened to you and your notoriously bitchy, elitist, elevator hogging ways? Sandra Bullock? On the cover of Vogue? Really? While I must admit I was quite anxious to read what The Producer Sandra Bullock had to say about such tremendous contributions to the cinematic oeuvre as Speed, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Love Potion No. 9, The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood, Two Weeks Notice, Miss Congeniality, and so much more, I can't say I wasn't a little surprised to see her gracing the cover of Vogue. I have two papers and an exam this week, Anna, but I want you to know that I perused every page of Sandra Bullocky goodness before employing your fine magazine as a door stop. I think you would be proud of the phenomonal job Sandra's doing in her latest endeavor.

Yours very truly,
Fat Asian Baby

My apologies to the ever-faithful internet. I should have posted concert announcements last week when they were brought to my attention, but I really didn't give a shit about any of the shows. But just cause I don't give a shit, doesn't mean that you don't give a shit. So I'm sorry if I betrayed your trust.

So, on sale now:

Jimmy Eat World / Taking Back Sunday
The Arena At Gwinnett Center
Atlanta, GA
Tue, 04/26/05

Lenny Kravitz*
The Tabernacle
Atlanta, GA
Sat, 04/09/05

Moe
Variety Playhouse
Atlanta, GA
Thu, 03/03/05


Ok, that's all for now.

* if you see Lenny, be sure to tell him we love his bathroom.

All through our college days the Fat Asian Baby frequently snickered at funny Midwestern friends who consistently insisted that "soda" be called "pop." Well, I've always know that they're just ignorant because they're from the Midwest. Recently FAB has been confronted with another soda aberration. We were dumbfounded when Fake Internet Boyfriend informed us that the inhabitants of northern parts of Georgia refer to all carbonated soda fizzy beverages as "Coke."
Well, according to this map sent to me by my GIS Queen, it seems there are whole sections of the country whose inhabitants live entirely Coke existences. I guess ya learn something new every day.

To pass the time in a two hour painfully boring statistical analysis computer lab class (no need to hide your jealousy), I decided to find out just what genre of rock the Fat Asian Baby would be provided the Fat Asian Baby could actually be distilled into a genre of rock. So here it is, folks...
Garage rock! I like you... I like you alot! You
and indie are on the same plane for me! You
bring rock'n'roll down to its dirty roots,
whether being minimalist like The White Stripes
or retro like The Strokes. You keep on doing
what you're doing! Oh...and did I mention I
like you alot?

Uhhh...I'm not sure I understand, but right on.
Take the quiz here.

Gwen Stefani and her Asian midget clown whores. (I'll probably get a whole lotta of hits for that charming string of descriptives.)

Dear Page Six,

I think you have finally crossed the line. I can't say exactly just where that line is, but it surely lies somewhere far before your discussion of Jacko's weewaw. Please know that you will be responsible for countless nightmares and possibly years of therapy as I try and repress this information, stuffing it deep into the recesses of my subconscious just so that I can move on with my life.

Thanks again.

Fat Asian Baby

So the Fat Asian Baby is a little slow on the uptake from time to time cause, quite frankly, I've been too busy sitting around with my thumb up my ass. This had me snarfing beverages out my nose YESTERDAY when I saw it for the first time on Manhattan Transfer. If you haven't already, check out the Somerville Gates.

Third worst. job. ever. And all in the name of science, my friends. (link courtesy of Popbitch).

The Snowden show was better attended than I had at first expected, being that it was the middle of the week and all. They put on a decent show and are probably one of the best Atlanta bands that can still really be considered a predominantly Atlanta band, if ya know what I'm saying.
They opened for nerdy college rockers The Impossible Shapes from Bloomington, Indiana and the utterly delightful Swede, Jens Lekman.

Dear Internets,
I don't know what my big issue is with the comments function. I started with Haloscan but then decided the "Comments" button was too big so I switched to Blogger hosting but people kept complaining that they couldn't comment without a Blogger account so now, like the prodigal daughter I am, I've come crawling back to Haloscan and their big Comment buttons. So yes, I have erased all of your previous comments in the interest of greater and more democratic participation.

Oh and on a separate note...I think my blog looks like it was made by a ten year old except less pretty. If anybody has any suggestions or free time or just likes me and wants to participate in an aesthetic revamp and possible move, please let me know.

Peas and Carrots,

FAB

Tara Reid: new poster child for lumpy tummy lipo? If this is really all liposucking technology has to offer, FAB should probably stop scraping those pennies up off the sidewalk and just haul ass at the gym or something.

Fat Asian Baby wants Mojito.

Also in the news: Navy to commission an attack submarine called Jimmy Carter. We're just glad at least one person in the Department of Defense still seems to have a sense of humor.

According to Page Six, the media are stalking some couple named Ashton and Demi (hey, remember them?) on vacation in Mexico in the event of a secret quickie wedding. How simply fascinating.

Tonight check out Arcade Fire's favorite local band, Snowden, 9pm at The Earl in East Atlanta.

MJ rushed to the Hospital after falling ill on the way to court. Hmm...
Speaking of which, it looks like the actual trial will be the red carpet event of the century what with all them celebrity witnesses and all.

Apparently the Unicorns really are breaking up.

And apparently the Fat Asian Baby missed an Atlanta's Valen-Stein's Day Party held by the Kosher Chameleon. How do these things happen?

Japanese chick and former rockette converts to Orthodox Judaism and takes the world by storm with "J.A.P.," her one woman show about being FAB except without the crunchy convenience of bacon. Hey Rachel, I can almost see your elbows, girl. What's up with that?

I think a cocktail is indicated here.

Ok. So I think our national threshold for what constitutes weird or fucked up for Kelly Osbourne is pretty damn high, but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? (via Pink is the New Blog, pic via Goldenfiddle) I'm just going to hope that this is all part of her preparation to step into the Tracy Turnblad role in Hairspray next summer because that's really the only acceptable explanation.

Some guy thinks he wants to marry Christina.

*And no I didn't see the Grammy's last night. I was too busy watching back to back episodes of Law and Order.

The Fat Asian Baby was simply tickled as a pickle to be tagged by Gloria at Vers L'Absurde for this Kitchen Music Meme. I'm not exactly sure what a meme is, and I don't actually have any music in my kitchen, but I do like eating and I do like listening. So here goes nothing...

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
If by "computer" they mean ipod, then the answer is 33.97 GB. For those of us who think in time rather than space, that's 21.9 days worth of ear candy.

What is the last CD you bought?
Hmm, I can't even remember the last time I bought an actual physical compact disc. I will say, however, that I may be the only person who has unsupervised access to the internet who actually, like, pays for music at the iTunes music store. The last album I bought there was Death From Above 1979's You're a Woman, I'm a Machine. It's noisy.
And the very first CD I ever owned was Spellbound by Paula Abdul featuring such timeless hits as Opposites Attract and, well, I actually don't remember what else. Please note: I DID NOT purchase this album. I'd like to think I knew better, even in 1991.

What was the last song you listened to before reading this message?Ehhhh, Throw Your Arms Around Me by Pearl Jam.

Write down five songs you often listen to, or that mean a lot to you. Damn. This is a hard one...I guess the top five songs that I have to listen to several times before moving onto the next song are:
1. Two Headed Boy Part Two by Neutral Milk Hotel. Jeff Mangum's ability to stretch a phrase beyond the human is ridiculously awesome. Oh and the lyricism. Sigh.

2. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World. He somehow mangles two songs bringing them together into one magnificently beautiful thing.

3. Crush by Dave Matthews Band. Yes that's Crush. Not Crash. And yes, I am from Westchester, and no I'm not cool. So shut up, and please let's never mention this again.

4. Gone For Good by The Shins.
Two bits:

I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love

You want to fight for this love
But honey you cannot wrestle a dove

4 1/2. Oh god! I'm cheating, but I gotta fit this in here somhow. Favorite song 4 1/2 is Jeff Buckley's version of Hallelujah. You all know it's simply divine.

5. Beck, Lost Cause. I promise I'm not really that depressed. It's just that this entire album (Sea Change) is so self indulgent and amazing. And I guess the Fat Asian Baby is just a hopeless romantic/sucker at heart. Hmm.

Who are you going to pass this stick to (three persons) and why?
Gina at ViaGina because she can't cook for shit but has awesome taste in everything that matters and even stuff that doesn't. Gina is just sooo best.
Eric over at AlexandEricinLA cause he knows more about music than any normal person should. And I'm actually curious as to what he'll say.
And lastly, Fake Internet Boyfriend, Tyler, even though his blog is on MySpace and I'm not sure if you all can see it or not. He might be my alter ego or my soul mate. Or none of the above. But I think he likes music even more than Eric.

In case you've had your head shoved too far up your ass in recent weeks and months and so failed to notice, THE GATES thingy starts tomorrow in Central Park. I'm too lazy/tired to say anything useful here, but you can check out what ToTC has to say, and of course the Times weighs in. More information on Christo and Jean-Claude. Yes we know we may have made some derisive comments about public art in the past, and sadly FAB will be in Atlanta for the duration, but if we lived in some sort of alternative universe where we always got our way and weren't like totally in school and stuff we'd actually consider going home just to check it out.

Apparently Charles is finally going to get hitched to his horsie-looking broad/true love, Camilla.
FAB yet to announce betrothal to William.

Popbitch chuckleworthy blind item: Which no-longer-newly-wed blonde had a recent affair with a movie co-star? (According to her friends, the jackass taught her to enjoy rimming).

Random chuckleworthy trivia: Latest cool New York rock band The Bravery's singer
until recently sported blond dreadlocks and sang in a ska band called Skabba The Hutt.

The other day I was listening to a speaker outline tuberculosis treatment and prevention strategies in Ethiopia. Naturally, because Addis Ababa is the capital of Ethiopia, the speaker kept saying its name. And naturally, because I am an asshole with a very short attention span, all I could think of each time the speaker said "Addis Ababa" was how FAB alter ego Garfield repeatedly tried to ship Nermal off to Addis Ababa but somehow was never successful. And then I chuckle to myself at the futility of it all.

Apparently Nicole Richie is engaged. Yawn.

And in other more exciting news, some homeless guy arrested for swimming around Biscayne Bay in the nude in a fruitless search for Anna Kournikova.

Band To Band: the Kevin Bacon Game for the music loving set (via Stereogum).

Today on Page Six:
celebrities exposed as totally self-absorbed, attention-hungry aliens from another planet. Who knew?

"IT'S over between Tiffany Dubin, daughter of former Sotheby's chairman Alfred Taubman, and her husband, real-estate developer Louis Dubin. The couple — who were together for 18 years and have a beautiful 9-year-old daughter, Tatiana — are getting divorced. Needless to say, the two remain friends and are fully committed to parenting." Wait, is that last bit a joke or not? I'm confused.

"LINDSAY Lohan is having a better time in New Orleans than previously thought." Better than who thought? My mom? I don't mean to be rude, but this isn't exactly rocket science: LL + Mardi Gras + New Orleans = Fab can't wait until the release of the unauthorized video.

An aspiring actress/model's agent tells In Touch magazine that she's been covorting all over the globe with Brad Pitt, but shhhh! she wants to keep it on the DL?!?? Hahahahahahaha! You guys are simply too much. Seriously, you kill me.

And so I really enjoyed this picture. Read more about Cityrag's Smoke-In.

If I see one more article about this Mireille Guiliano and Frenchwomen Don't Get Fat I'm seriously going to start binging and purging. Linking to this article about her in today's food section is really only worthwhile because the picture pretty much confirms that Mme. Guiliano really does in fact have a stale croissant shoved up her ass.

Alcohol Enema Murder: three words that Fat Asian Baby would not have believed could come together in one fantastic news story, let alone one phrase, had we not seen it with our own eyes over at A Socialite's Life.

I'm probably way behind the curve on this one, but I just noticed* that "darkly danceable and eminently catchy" New York darlings The Bravery will be at The Loft/Vinyl on March 12th. You can buy tickets here.

And while I'm mentioning things you already know about, noisy Saddle Creekers Beep Beep will be at MJQ on February 22nd.

Thank you and goodnight.

*I wouldn't want you to miss the show so I'm telling you this now instead of on March 12th even though the tickets have probably been on sale for a while already and so I just look stupid mentioning it now, but I'm doing it anyway because I like you. I really, really do.

Interviewed by Maxim Radio on Sirius, Lachey was asked what he thinks of Jessica's dog, Daisy. "She's spoiled and fat," Lachey snickered. "That's right, spoiled and fat . . . just like its mom!" Incidentally in the aforementioned Lohan/Duff/Carter explanation to alarmist roommate, she momentarily confused Aaron Carter's slightly more (or less} famous Backstreet brother Nick with, well, Mr. Jessica Simpson. I think we've gotten it all straightened out now.

Ladies, brace yourselves. Julian is a done deal, but it looks likeFab (Moretti, that is) may be back on the market.

Man, I hate to get all serious on you, but I'm going to be uncharacteristically optimistic for a moment and at least hope that this is actually the start of something real. Besides, look how happy that guy is who's sitting next to Sharon.

In other news, I seem to have slept funny last night and this morning my hair seems to be channelling Farrah Fawcett.

Ehhh...anybody else notice that there's something funky going on over in Nepal these days? Anybody?
Burp.

Dine Out for Tsunami Relief is tomorrow night, so make your reservations now. All proceeds go to CARE Atlanta's relief efforts in South Asia. For more information and a list of participating restaurants around Atlanta, go here.

"Thompson, in her last month as the Boone County Pork Queen, competed against 16 other county pork queens at this week's Iowa Pork Congress in Des Moines." Read more about Her Porkness and her road to royalty here.

And internet dating goes horribly awry when Jordanian couple meets for first time to plan wedding and discover they're already a couple: husband immediately divorces wife/wife-to-be and wife/wife-to-be promptly faints.

The other day my alarmist roommate, who "[doesn't] have time for pop culture," rediscovered The Smoking Gun. She, like me, was baffled by The Lindsay Lohan Phenomenon. However, unlike the Fat Asian Baby, who is fascinated by our national fascination with someone who isn't really all that hot, the alarmist roommate was baffled because she quite simply has no idea who Lindsay Lohan is and therefore couldn't begin to understand LL's explosive proliferation on the internets. Well folks, let me tell you, trying to explain who Lindsay Lohan is to someone who has never seen Mean Girls and is unaware of the existence of either Hillary Duff or Aaron Carter is like trying to explain the meaning of a word to a speaker of a foreign tongue without using the available arsenal of common definitional terms. In fact, it is an experience quite like that frustrating table game, Taboo.

Speaking of which, is anybody else wondering what exactly is going on with Her Duffness these days? She's looking a bit chunkeriffic in this picture from Pink is the New Blog.

I don't usually post anything on the weekend, but I figured this was not only short and sweet but an important public service announcement:

Last fall, the Fat Asian Baby sarcastically predicted that the opening of a Barney's Co-op on the uber-uncool Upper West Side must surely be a harbinger of the great coming of a Barney's Co-op Atlanta. For everybody who has wandered onto my blog after performing a fruitless search for Barney's Co-op Atlanta, I am sorry. I was just being a mean spirited elitist bitch, as is my wont. There was no Barney's Co-op Atlanta. But apparently FAB is prescient even in jest.
Yes, folks, may I present you with (drumroll please)...
BARNEY'S CO-OP ATLANTA at Phipps Plaza
Mon - Sat 10:00 am - 9:00 pm
Sunday 12:00 pm - 5:30 pm
TEL: 404-467-1569

Now go forth and shop.

Osama captured on Grilled Cheese but not yet fetching as much dough as the Virgin Mary in the same medium via Wonkette.

Coachella tickets finally go onsale tomorrow at noon PST. I am insanely jealous. The lineup pretty much makes me want to cream myself. So please never mention it again. Don't you people have jobs?

Tickets for Interpol at the Tabernacle March 21st go on sale tomorrow.

Also on sale are tickets for new emo/indie darlings Hot Hot Heat and San Diegoans Louis XIV performing March 13th at The Loft (formerly Vinyl).

Hmmm, what's this now?
And more via Fleshbot.

"A female OFFICER was patrolling Underground Atlanta when she saw a middle-aged man inside the mall. Since it was early (8:30 a.m.) and the mall wasn't officially open yet, the officer approached the man. Agitated, the man said, 'Take that damn uniform off and I will show you what an old man will do to you, bitch.' Then, he spit on the officer. The man was arrested for using fighting words and spitting."

Perhaps I will try this line next time I get stopped by a cop, minus the spitting, of course. That would be disrespectful.

More mischief and your weekly exposed penises at Creaetive Loafing's Police Blotter.

Apparently Arcade Fire hearts NYC more than the ATL. At the Atlanta show, Win just sweat a lot, but in New York, he whips out Talking Head David Byrne via Brooklyn Vegan.

Poor Lindsay. Not only are tongues wagging on Page Six today, via Socialite Life, but you know you're really in bad shape when even Tara Reid thinks you're out of control. According to Popbitch, Tara said "Lindsay Lohan is way wilder than I was when I was her age. Don't put me with her, I don't want to be dragged into her shit."

So I know I'm like, uh, a month late to the party or something, but TMFTML is back? Really?

Sweaty Pseudo-Canadian the New God (or The Arcade Fire almost Murdered the Pope) at ToTC.

Conor Oberst drinks himself silly, knocks over the drum kit, but still manages to put on an awesome show. Extra thanks and kisses to FABBro for coming through in a BIG way.


Conor and Jason

















Conor and FAB's left cheek

"Lobster are people too," claims boy genius Edward Furlong, trying to explain his foiled lobster liberation mission.

Lotus owner slapped on the wrist by his friends for divulging appallingly mundane gossip about his celebrity clientele.

And Mischa Barton taking a long time doing God-Knows-What in the airplane crapper. Anybody?