Fat Asian Baby

Dear Gentle Blog Reader,

We've been through quite a lot together haven't we? These last two years and eleven days since I first started rambling along here has seen us through winter Upper East Side mosquito infestations, Luke and Leroys, an infatuation with David Foster Wallace, Max Fish, an encounter with Dr. Nicholas Perricone, hipsters, hipster irony, the hipster handbook, post hipster handbook post hipster irony, Orchard Bar, Bush's desire to colonize the moon and Mars, Dark Room, the loss of a drawstring in one side of a favorite pair of sweatpants, FABMommy's untiring antics to get FAB to be less FAT, the introduction of Kevin Federline, the England fiasco, taking Paris by storm, and puking in the very lovely Parisian gutter, les Etages, the adventures at Paris Plage, our move to the great state of Georgia, the discovery of the existence of Peer age Republicans, the Earl, the discovery of seemingly normal people who go into a zombie-like fugue state making hatchet gestures with their arms for no apparent reason, the discovery of personal hygiene products that sound like they're good for eating, Lenny's, the beginning of the abusive iPod relationship, misplacing the gaydar somewhere in midtown Atlanta, the Drunken Unicorn, confirming that long held theory that black people do not, in fact, eat mayonnaise (n=1), Estoria, Britney gets knocked up, PDiddy comes to Atlanta, decrying the incessant 3 am train honking, facing deep soul searching ethical dilemmas regarding Bush supporters and cocaine (separately folks, separately), taking on public art, Tara Reid shows us her sisters, Ashlee Simpson somehow becomes a celebrity of her own right (this transformation actually happened sometime between May and August of 04 because those were the months I was blissfully out of the country), we saw the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese, and then we ate her, Anna Nicole at the 2004 AMAs, nearly being killed in attempt to return to the Big Apple for Turkey Time, adventures at Marquee in jeans and sneakers with Labyrinth bag in tow, more fabulously stimulating conversation with FABMommy that starts out about the fabulous new development that you can now peel stamps RIGHT OFF the sheet, just like that, and ends up something about how I'm look pretty chunky in the holiday picture maybe I shouldn't be in it next year, the Variety Playhouse, Tom Cruise loses his mind, finds a bride, Newlyweds wed, Newlyweds unwed, Britney inspects her breastesses on the balcony, Vision nightclub, Tara talks about Lindsay who talks about Tara who talks about Paris who talks Lindsay who talks about Nicole who talks about Paris, International Bowl, discussing Judith Butler, post structuralist tension between anthropological theory and feminist theory and how identity politics are so totally 1980s and essentializing and holy shit did you check out that new item at Taco Bell! all in the course of a 3 minutes conversation, Paris Paris gets engaged to Man Paris, Paris Paris gets dumped by Man Paris and immediately replaces him with an interchangeable Greek shipping heir with poor fashion sense, learned about Jesus' dietary needs, continued hatred of Michelle Williams, continued hatred of Feist, Pete Doherty continues to do drugs and then do bad things, JLo loses her relevance, MiMi finds hers, Sienna finds hers then promptly loses it, Lindsay Lohan gets drunk, tackling the Balkans, Boemi, puking all over Sarajevo, City Pub, getting all linky-like, FABMommy pushes the South Beach Diet, FAB faces yet another moral quandry, this one more serious, but alcohol prevails again, iPod wars, iPod truces, fearing the Masquerade bathroom, our jeans are too low, Milk and Honey lives, Angelina is still hot, still being fat and liking bacon and beer, Kimora Lee Simmons still scarily resembles FAB but in a fantastically horrifying entirely lacking in irony and much much richer way, hating Kellie Pickler and all that she stands for, and having many cavities just waiting to be tortured into oblivion, taking new job.

Dearest reader, this may well be my last blog post on fatasianbaby.com. Due to what we hope will prove to be an exciting job opportunity that we'd simply love to tell you all about but can't in order to retain any remaining anonymity the blog still has and more importantly to keep FABDaddy from ever discovering its existence - the man has google and he's not afraid to use it - we can't tell you where we're going or what we're doing, but wish us luck and know that we'll think of you fondly every day.

If you haven't been reading from the beginning, I just left you a sequential treasure hunt of FABisms and posts from the beginning through to the end. If you miss me, a good place to start would be the archives. You may just discover something fantastic there that you've never seen before. FAB hopes that circumstances may allow blogging to resume sometime in some distant future, and not because we're hoping to be fired, but because we've really enjoyed our time here ranting to the nobody that is everybody in the world and we're more than just a little bit devastated to have to say goodbye, my friends, and we'll really be more than just a little bit lost without you. So, it is with a very heavy heart indeed that FAB bids you all adieu and good luck in all of your and all of our endeavors.

Until we meet again,

Fat Asian Baby

Holy Shit! Stop the Presses! You'll never guess who's gonna be on display on the upper VIP deck of Vision like a stuffed prize puppy straight from the Ghetto Paws Grooming. Next Saturday, Atlanta. You better be ready.

Hello Happy Spring! Does this actually mean anything here? As far as I'm concerned, spring came a couple weeks ago, stuck his tongue in my mouth for a few months, and then promptly left the room. Feh.

Tonight FAB recommends checking out the Magic Numbers and the Elected at the Loft tonight.

FAB also recommends hearing Man Man and Parts & Labor at the Earl with Hubcap City.

It's time to face the music. FAB has cavities. We fear the dentist second only to our semi-rational fear of jellyfish and other pain-inducing creatures, so of course we've chosen to deal with the mounting cavity situation by ignoring it. And surprisingly, it hasn't gone away. Hand in hand with our dealing-with-pressing-health-situations-by-avoiding strategy was our decision not to opt for the additional dental coverage in the student health plan (hello adultolescence!) does anybody have any suggestions as to how to proceed?

So many opportunities tonight to get silly, listen to music, and act all Irish-like, and by Irish-like we mean drunk and belligerant like God intended.

Tonight Y-O-U will be playing in the parking lot behind Limerick Junction for their annual St. Patty's Day Big Ass Drinking in the Parking Lot Party (actually we think the official term is "Block Party").

It is also the official opening night for the new Mercury Club in Underground Atlanta featuring the musical stylings of Sovus Radio, Tora Tora Tora, and the Explorer's Club.

FAB also recommends hearing Measles Mumps Rubella, Gregor Samsa, KillGordon, and Shock Cinema at Lenny's before the Lenny's Trashed Dance Party featuring a St. Patty's Day costume contest and green jello shots while they last.

Luigi, Producto, and Creve Coeur will be at the 10 High.

Late night, head over to Decatur Social Club at Azul/Raging Burrito where Johnny Musick will be guest DJing along with the regular DSC crew.

Sunday night, the place to be (other than watching the Sopranos) is the Variety Playhouse to hear Animal Collective with Nix Noltes.

check out Thunderbirds Are Now! , Shock Cinema (again), and Rahim at the Drunken Unicorn.

Already on sale:
Eisley at Vinyl March 23rd.
Mute Math at the Loft March 23rd.

On sale Friday:
They Might Be Giants at the Variety Playhouse Wednesday, May 3rd.

On sale Saturday:
Pinback at the Roxy Thursday, May 18th.

Tonight FAB recommends the Matt Pond PA and Youth Group show at the Loft.

DQE, Tiger!Tiger!, the Rattler, and the Glasses will be at the Earl.

The Blue Hour, Iron Hero, and A Northern Chorus will be at Lenny's.

Small town girl notwithstanding (see comments), if Kellie Pickler represents any sort of ideal or role model for young American girls, we're in serious trouble. Listening to her speak makes me want to cut out my ovaries and turn in my passport at the front desk.

TMZ Pickler stuff.

Tonight FAB recommends checking out His Purple Majesty, the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince then known as the Artist and once again known as Prince at the Tabernacle with Tamar, who incidentally isn't Jewish at all.

Snow Patrol will be at the Loft.

FAB recommends seeing Augustana, the Damnwells, and the Julia Dream at the Earl.

Motion City Soundtrack will be at the Masquerade with the Format, the Matches, and Men, Women and Children.

And last but certainly not unfunniest, Motley Crue will be at Philips Arena.

FAB just took this online quiz: What Age Do You Act?

You Are 25 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What the hell is the point of a fun online quiz if it's not going to tell you that you act like a drunk 17 yr old passed out in a pile of someone else's vomit in a dark corner of the homecoming queen's house cause her parents went to Aspen for the week? Jeez. If I wanted someone to tell me I was 25, I would've just consulted my driver's license. Feh.

Having lived in the South now for over a year and a half, the Fat Asian Baby has grown to appreciate Southern charm and even respect the degree to which Southern girls are working some kind of game that we couldn't even begin to play. However, despite the recent warming of FAB's icy, black soul, we can't help but ask ourselves: is Kellie Pickler actually as mentally retarded as she acts and sounds or is it just some kind of Southern thing that we have yet to understand?

Annie, who FAB once naively thought was coming to Atlanta's Fabulous Fox, will be headlining at the Mercury Lounge next Monday. Annie could sell out Webster Hall, a venue many times the size of the Merc, just by smiling at you, so buy your tickets now or cry into your milk later.

Also, Jeremy Liebman is looking for models for a photoshoot for Sporstwear International Magazine that's going to be an ode to the style of late 70s, early 80s downtown New York--CBGB's, Max's Kansas City, Mudd Club, etc. They're looking for men and women, 17-25ish. They can provide prints to all the models, and there MAY be a little money.

The shoot will be on Sunday, the 26th of March. If interested, please send a couple photos to sliebman7@hotmail.com--it doesn't need to be anything professional, just something that clearly shows your face, and a full body shot.

Criteria tour dates:
Sat-Mar-11, Omaha, NE, Sokol Underground*
Sun-Mar-12, Lawrence, KS, Jackpot Saloon*
Mon-Mar-13, Oklahoma City, OK, Conservatory*
Tue-Mar-14, Tulsa, OK, 1974*
Thu-Mar-16, Austin, TX, The Parish Room @ 9pm (Saddle Creek SXSW Showcase)*
Fri-Mar-17, San Antonio, TX, White Rabbit*
Sat-Mar-18, Austin, TX, Emo's Annex @ 1:10pm (AP SXSW Day Party)
Sun-Mar-19, Las Cruces, NM, The Bean*
Mon-Mar-20, Tempe, AZ, Stinkweeds*
Tue-Mar-21, Pomona, CA, Glass House
Wed-Mar-22, San Francisco, CA, Slim’s
Thur-Mar-23, Portland, OR, Hawthorne Theatre
Fri-Mar-24, Seattle, WA, El Corazon
Sat-Mar-25, Boise, ID, The Venue
Sun-Mar-26, Salt Lake City, UT, Avalon Theater
Mon-Mar-27, Denver, CO, Bluebird Theatre
Wed-Mar-29, Lawrence, KS, Bottleneck
Thu-Mar-30, Iowa City, IA, Gabes Oasis
Fri-Mar-31, Sauget, IL, Pops
Sat-Apr-1, Chicago, IL, Metro
Sun-Apr-2, Cleveland, OH, Agora Ballroom
Wed-Apr-3, Lansing, MI, Temple Club*
Tue-Apr-4, Detroit, MI, Majestic Theater
Wed-Apr-5, London, ON, Call the Office
Thu-Apr-6, Toronto, ON, Opera House
Fri-Apr-7, Ottawa, ON, Babylon
Sat-Apr-8, Quebec City, QC, L’Anti
Sun-Apr-9, Providence, RI, The Living Room*
Mon-Apr-10, Boston, MA, Axis
Tue-Apr-11, Levittown, NY, Ritual
Wed-Apr-12, Randolph, NJ, Obsessions
Thu-Apr-13, Philadelphia, PA, Theatre of Living Arts
Fri-Apr-14, Norfolk, VA, The Norva
Sat-Apr-15, Baltimore, MD, Ottobar
Mon-Apr-17, Charlotte, NC, Tremont Music Hall
Tue-Apr-18, Atlanta, GA, The Masquerade
Wed-Apr-19, Orlando, FL, The Social
Thu-Apr-20, Gainesville, FL, 1982*
Fri-Apr-21, Ft Lauderdale, FL, Culture Room
Sat-Apr-22, St Petersburg, FL, State Theater
Mon-Apr-24, Houston, TX, Warehouse Live
Tue-Apr-25, San Antonio, TX, Sanctuary
All Dates with Poison the Well except *

Two Gallants tour dates:
Thu 03/16, Austin, TX, The Parish @11pm (Saddle Creek SXSW Showcase)
Fri 03/17, Austin, TX, Cream Vintage Outside Stage @ 4pm (Hole in the Wall Ice Cream Social at SXSW)
Sat 03/18, Austin, TX, The Velvet Spade @ 3pm (NY2LON SWSW Party)
Sat 03/18, Austin, TX, Eternal Music for America @ 1am (SXSW Party)
Sun 03/19, Oklahoma City, OK, The Conservatory
Mon 03/20, Springfield, MO, The Outland
Tue 03/21, Kansas City, MO, The Record Bar
Wed 03/22, Des Moines, IA, Vaudeville Mews
Thu 03/23, Omaha, NE, Sokol Underground
Fri, 03/24, Denver, CO, Hi-Dive
Sat 03/25, Salt Lake City, UT, Kilby Court
Fri 03/31, San Francisco, CA, Bimbo's 365 Club
Tue 04/04, Los Angeles, CA, Troubadour
Wed 04/05, San Diego, CA, Casbah
Thu 04/06, Phoenix, AZ, Modified
Fri 04/07, Tucson, AZ, Solar Culture
Sun 04/09, Albuquerque, NM, Launchpad
Mon 04/10, Lubbock, TX, Winchester Slaughter House
Tue 04/11, Denton, TX, Rubber Gloves
Wed 04/12, Austin, TX, Emo’s
Thu 04/13, Houston, TX, Walter's on Washington
Fri 04/14, New Orleans, LA, The Republic
Sat 04/15, Atlanta, GA, The Earl
Sun 04/16, Gainesville, FL, Common Grounds
Mon 04/17, Orlando, FL, Will’s Pub
Tue 04/18, Tampa, FL, Transitions Art Gallery
Wed 04/19, St Augustine, FL, Cafe Eleven
Thu 04/20, W Columbia, SC, New Brookland Tavern
Fri 04/21, Chapel Hill, NC, Wetlands Dance Hall
Sat 04/22, Philadelphia, PA, Khyber
Mon 04/24, New York, NY, Bowery Ballroom
Wed 04/26, Boston, MA, Chums @ Brandeis University
Thu 04/27, Cambridge, MA, Middle East Upstairs
Fri 04/28, Annandale-On-Hudson, NY, SMOG @ Bard College
Sat 04/29, Bennington, VT, The Downcast
Sun 04/30, Providence, RI, The Living Room
Mon 05/01, Montreal, QC, La Sala Rossa
Tue 05/02, Toronto, ON, The Silver Dollar
Wed 05/03, Buffalo, NY, Mohawk Place
Thu 05/04, Lansing, MI, The Temple Club
Fri 05/05, Chicago, IL, The Empty Bottle

Maria Taylor tour dates:
Sat-Mar-18 Birmingham, AL, The Nick*
Sun-Mar-19 Newport, KY, Southgate House*
Wed-Mar-22 New York, NY, Knitting Factory with Camera Obscura*
Thu-Mar-23 Cambridge, MA, Middle East (Downstairs)
Fri-Mar-24 Philadelphia, PA, Starlight Ballroom
Sat-Mar-25 Falls Church, VA, State Theatre
Sun-Mar-26 Carrboro, NC, Cats Cradle
Mon-Mar-27 Athens, GA, 40 Watt
Tue-Mar-28 Tallahasse, FL, Club DownUnder
Wed-Mar-29 Orlando, FL, Social
Thu-Mar-30 Gainesville, FL, Common Grounds
Fri-Mar-31 Atlanta, GA, Variety Playhouse
Sat-Apr-01 Asheville, NC, Grey Eagle
Sun-Apr-02 Nashville, TN, The End
Mon-Apr-03 Champaign, IL, Canopy Club
Tue-Apr-04 Des Moines, IA, Vaudeville Mews
Wed-Apr-05 Minneapolis, MN, Varsity Theater
Thu-Apr-06 Chicago, IL, Metro
Fri-Apr-07 Detroit, MI ,Magic Stick
Sat-Apr-08 Cincinnati, OH, Cincinnati Artists Warehouse
Sun-Apr-09 Cleveland, OH, Beachland Ballroom
Mon-Apr-10 Gambier, OH, Kenyon College*
Wed-Apr-12 Louisville, KY, Headliners Music Hall*
Thu-Apr-13 Memphis, TN, Hi-Tone Cafe*
Fri-Apr-14 Baton Rouge, LA Spanish Moon*
Sat-Apr-15 Denton, TX, Hailey's*
Sun-Apr-16 Austin, TX, The Parish Room*
Tue-Apr-18 Phoenix, AZ, Rhythm Room*
Wed-Apr-19 Tucson, AZ, Solar Culture*
Thu-Apr-20 Los Angeles, CA The Echo*
Fri-Apr-21 San Diego, CA, Che Café*
Sat-Apr-22 San Francisco, CA, Café Du Nord*
Mon-Apr-24 Eugene, OR, WOW Hall*
Thu-Apr-27 Salt Lake City, UT, Kilby Court*
Fri-Apr-28 Denver, CO, Larimer Lounge*
Sat-Apr-29 Omaha, NE, Sokol Underground*
All shows with Mates of State except *

Tonight FAB recommends checking out the Liverhearts, No Things, Knife Skills, and the Post Office Gals at the Drunken Unicorn.

Hotel Lights will be at Smith's Olde Bar.

Also, Tova Johnson and the Way Home will be at the 10 High with the Dole (featuring members of Jump, Little Children), and Tin Cup Prophette.

Useful thing I learned this weekend: I am quite adept at wrapping things that are square or rectangular in shape or have otherwise clean edges. I'm pretty good with the bows and ribbons as well. However, trying to wrap objects that are all kinds of irregular shapes will result in a present that appears to have been lovingly giftwrapped by a mentally challenged pterodactyl.

I have an extra ticket for tonight's CYHSY show at the Variety.
Anybody?

Presale tickets are available here for the following cities:
May 24 - New York, NY @ Webster Hall
May 25 - Washington, DC @ 9:30 Club
May 30 - Cleveland, OH @ Beachland Ballroom
May 31 - Detroit, MI @ St Andrew's Hall
June 1 - Chicago, IL @ Metro
June 3 - Minneapolis, MN @ 400 Bar
June 5 - Englewood, CO @ Gothic Theatre
June 6 - Salt Lake City, UT @ In The Venue
June 8 - Portland, OR @ Berbati's Pan
June 9 - Seattle, WA @ Showbox
June 10 - Vancouver, BC @ Richards on Richards
June 12 - San Francisco, CA @ Great American Music Hall
June 13 - San Francisco, CA @ Great American Music Hall
June 16 - San Diego, CA @ House of Blues
June 17 - Tempe, AZ @ The Clubhouse
June 19 - Austin, TX @ La Zona Rosa
June 20 - Houston, TX @ Numbers
June 21 - Dallas, TX @ Granada Theater
June 23 - Nashville, TN @ Exit/In
June 24 - Louisville, KY @ Headliners Music Hall
June 26 - Toronto, ON @ Phoenix Concert Theatre
June 28 - Montreal, QC @ La Tulipe
June 29 - Boston, MA @ Avalon

Tonight FAB will be rocking out the Variety for the CYHSY show before hitting up Decatur Social Club at Azul. The patio will be open and the shots will be flowing freely. Get there before 1am.

The Black Lips and Beat Beat Beat will be at the Drunken Unicorn.

GoGoGo Airheart, the Jai-Alai Savant, Subtitle, and Shock Cinema will be at the Earl.

The Silver Jews will be at the 40 Watt in Athens before hitting up the Earl on Saturday night.

Also Saturday night, KT Tunstall will be at the Loft.

Mogwai will be at Whirlyball.

Pot reaches out for Kettle.

The Sun confirms that Britney really is knocked up again (with priceless pics). As if the Sun can "confirm" anything.

America may have been voted me off American Idol, but "by the blood of Jesus I'm saved." Um, right. Just keep telling yourself that buddy.

Oxford Collapse signs to Sub Pop.

America meets Captain Obvious.

Gridskipper discovers FAB's neighborhood overpriced but still rather tasty bakery. FAB wants the warm roasted lamb sammy.

Paris finally starting to get hers.

Alabama retards may actually have just been drunk.

The Raconteurs debut drops in May.

Tonya Harding is so over it. But FAB's still chuckling.

Pinback readies for the road.

Indie Interviews interviews David Bazan of Pedro the Lion.

NPR, your new music source, has Wednesday's CYHSY show in Washington.

Heatherette decides to move in a new direction, hopefully towards fashion.

Watch the Mark Ronson Radiohead graffiti video thingy.

Jury out on former Mayor Campbell.

Neverland nevermore.

Pitchfork reviews Of Montreal reissues.

Did Indy ask Ally?

Sienna conquers yet another.

Jose Gonzalez to play Summerstage.

DJ AM disses Nicole Richie. Again.

What in tarnation could LiLo and Lance have to talk about? And Luther Vandross liked the dick.

Apparently Garffleck resides in downtown Savannah.

Has-been rockers reach new low.

Fat Joe bails for Asylum.

Mimi's tongue still flapping in the wind.

Pink's thighs keep flapping in the wind.

Arctic Monkeys plan new EP.

NASA poised to probe Mars.

My Morning Jacket ready to roll.

Savannah music festival gets all, like, ethnic and shit.

Vibe needs a new editor.

The Pixies reunion documentary documents the Pixies reunion. AMANAPLANACANALPANAMA.

If for some reason that entirely escapes us, you fancy being on the next season of the Apprentice, NBC producers will be holding a casting call exclusively for Emory alumni, students, faculty, and staff near the Emory campus. The casting call will be Thursday, March 16th from 10am to 2pm in the Maple Room at the Emory Conference Center, 1615 Clifton Road.

For application materials, email FAB or download them from NBC.com.

While this casting day is allegedly for Emory only, there is not clear indication that they will be checking student IDs at the door. For more information, email Lauren.

Tonight Spike TV will be filming the show at Lenny's as part of some sort of national competition for diviest of the dive bars. On tap tonight is God's America, Thank God, Blame Game, Deerhunter, and Forevermen (formerly the Lazy Indians). Free PBR while it lasts. Mmm...free beer.

We know she was wasted, but why was Tara Reid spending the night at Dennis Rodman's in the first place?

Fall Out Boy's Peter Wentz's peter falls out. So naturally he takes a picture. Of himself. Peter.

Mischa tries to trade up.

Angelina reportedly wants an open marriage. Sorry Brad. Get in line.

NPR has downloads of Belle and Sebastian/the New Pornographers Washington gig and a B&S interview.

Watch the video for the Yeah Yeah Yeah's Gold Lion.

At least one person thinks Pete Doherty's doing a good job at shaking the junk. Funny how that one person happens to be his trial judge.

Anorexia, so HOT right now.

Speaking of which, David Katzenberg says MK is "the twee spritethe woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with."

Labels reign in downloads to boost CD sales. CDs? CDs? Oh yeah, I remember CDs.

Former Unicorn Alden Penner gets back on the horse.

Siennaslut apparently available by the hour.

Hasselhoff's wife cries abuse and takes out restraining order.

Brad Pitt picks out baby names.

Playboy Vikram Chatwal too partied out for his honeymoon.

For some reason, when experiencing the worst pain known to woman, Katie Holmes thinks Posh Spice would be the perfect companion. As if Posh has ever given birth through her trap door.

Sous vide sous soupçon.

Peace out to Tsegaye Gabre-Medhin, the Egyptian Poet Laureate.

Jamie Lynn finally steps into the spotlight.

Men's Fashion goes all Brokeback, as if it weren't already, metaphorically speaking.

Eve strikes it up with Ghanaian dictator's son. (via popbitch)

Stereogum has new Built to Spill tracks.

Evolution survives in South Carolina, for now.

Watch this video clip of Asian chicks playing tugowar in bikinis and lube. Natch.

Sex advice from Project Runway stars.

Open containers in your car still legal in Wyoming. That's so brokeback.

U2 cancels gigs. Yawn.

Feist and Jason Collett sign on for Summerstage. Yawn.

MSF benefit CD not half bad, though FAB still has issues with MSF's mission marketing.

Green Apple Festival lineup set.

Tabernacle adds second Prince show.

Brokeback Mountain parodies.

Lil' Kim writes li'l letter from big house.

Palestinians protest Waters' Israel show.

Leah's lackluster appraisal of the uber-hyped Strokes show at the Tabernacle last night brings to light an issue that we've noticed many times before but never actually bothered to bitch about: complacent or otherwise nonchalant rock acts. This affliction seems to strike bands primarily playing in venues the size of the Tabernacle on up. For New Yorkers, read: Hammerstein or Roseland, though based on our experience, this rocker malaise is a solely extra-NYC phenomenon. While FAB wouldn't begin to know how exhausting it is to be a major touring rock act (or any touring rock act for that matter) twelve cities into a massive national tour, we're still going to take the perhaps overworked and overtired musicians to task here:

Buck up, assholes. You're living the fucking dream. I know you're probably tired from shoving massive amounts of yeo up your nose until the wee hours of the morning while maintaining that affected bored and nonchalant pose that drives the ladies wild then getting up the next day and hauling ass to another city to sound check and do it all over again and again and again all across the continental United States. But, for a moment, think back to the days before you had your own sound slaves and techies and other various minions to haul your shit around for you, and you practically had to beg people to show up at your gigs. We know you have it in you to pull it together and play a real rock show. That is, after all, what we came here for. We know you manage to pull it together for your New York City shows. We've seen you. And you are divine when you want to be. There may not be too many dealmakers and dealbreakers at your show in Atlanta, Savannah, Charleston, Memphis, Chattanooga, Nashville, Birmingham, Topeka, Jacksonville, Baltimore, Richmond, Wheeling or wherever that isn't NY or LA, and maybe this isn't where you got your start, but we still want you to give us what we came for.

So please, stop pretending like you're doing us some gigantic favor by just showing up with your instruments in hand and bring the goddamn rock.

I was going to blog for you people after lunch, but I just ate an absurdly tasty cheddar cheeseburger at the Vortex, and well, I think I'm gonna just sit here and think about how cheeseburgers are next to godliness. I was going to get bacon on it too, but I figured that God was already making a big frowny face as it was.

It's been quite a while since we've included this feature because, let's face it, there's something good going on in New York pretty much every night, and it's tough work to keep up. We just thought give a quick heads up to all y'all New York music fans with a soft spot for FAB because FAB friends Variac will be rocking out at Arlene's Grocery tonight. Go and show a little East Coast love. After the show, take them to Dark Room and try and make out with them. Or not. Your call.

Tonight the big gig in town is the Strokes at the Tabernacle. As if you didn't already know.

In the spring of our last semester at Columbia Jewniversity, it was suggested to us by a health professional that we get tested for an attention deficit disorder. FABDaddy declared this a preposterous suggestion since, after all, we were one month shy of graduation from a hoighty toighty institution and "No. You most certainly do NOT have ADD, young lady." We've always just considered ourselves slightly on the wrong side of lazy or lacking in the necessary mental discipline, but we sure wouldn't have said no to a free handout of Focusin.
Today's NYTimes reports that

"attention disorder cases, up to 5 to 15 percent of the population, are at a distinct disadvantage. What once conferred certain advantages in a hunter-gatherer era, in an agrarian age or even in an industrial age is now a potentially horrific character flaw, making people feel stupid or lazy and irresponsible, when in fact neither description is apt.
The term attention-deficit disorder turns out to be a misnomer. Most people who have it actually have remarkably good attention spans as long as they are doing activities that they enjoy or find stimulating."

Perhaps this explains why certain persons can devote several hours a day to blogging or otherwise talking about ourselves, trolling the internet for new bands to discover, thematically organizing our fruits and vegetables, and deconstructing reruns of Law and Order that we've seen multiple times before yet remain unable to, say, make the necessary calculations to put the finishing touches on our dreaded Excel spreadsheet and then deconstructing its results in straightforward yet adequately thorough language.

Or sit through any one of the Lord of the Rings movies.

Britney says she's not just fat, she's preggers. Ew.

Surgeon general says obesity bigger threat than terrorism. We're eating ourselves to death.

Celeb camera phone Oscar antics.

Mariah wants to eat FAB skanky doppelganger. Or vice versa.

Watch this very old Julia Roberts audition tape.

South Dakota becomes the first state to outlaw a woman's right to choose.

Charlotte gets NASCAR Hall of Fame, not Atlanta. FAB hopes this means we get Calatrava.

Metroblogging talks FAB favorite bakery, Alons. Watch out for the NY prices.

Belle and Sebatian's Stuart Murdoch on Fresh Air.

Juvenile gives a reality check.

Jakeypoo gets tips (or a picture is worth a thousand words).

Yanni thrown in the clinker for slapping his wife around.

Arctic Monkeys film release date. Wait, Arctic Monkeys film?

Daily News reviews Matisyahu's Hammerstein show. Turns out the super baal tshuva is from FAB's own hometown.

He died for their sins, so new UGA fraternity parties for Jesus H. Christ.

Canadia likes Arcade Fire after all. No explanation for George Clooney.

Watch the video for Morrissey's single You Have Killed Me.

Wallace and Gromit fans want statue.

Ali Farka Toure dies too young.

Kirby Puckett dies too young.

Dana Reeves dies too young.

Ashley Olsen smoking.

Spud sparks off 30-person mash up.

KFed puts on boxers (or a picture is worth a thousand words).

Whites to become minority in NY area. Get out your hood.

Lil' John ready to show off the goods.

Pitchfork recommends Neko Case.

Female First tries to pair up Keira Knightley and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Brad Renfro sentenced to rehab.

The Futureheads talk about their new album.

Mariah Carey invites fondling to prove she actually uses that workout equipment cluttering her crib.


Candace Bushnell goes to the dog.

Vintage Harlem Festival footage comes to light.

The Ataris to play the Knit.

Apparently FAB's not the only one who skipped the Oscars.

Goldie Looking Chain gets dumped.

Tonight FAB recommends checking out the Manchester Orchestra at Smith's Olde Bar with Sovus Radio and the Libras. Hey! It's the only game in town tonight, so why not?

FAB only dreams of a photographer posing a picture so ripe for snickering and snarky captioning, except that it actually happened. Like in real life.

Tonight PushPush Theater at East Decatur Station is having a fundraiser to help them keep truckin'. PushPush Theater is an award-winning theater dedicated to the development of Atlanta’s performing artists in film, theater and music. The company does this by pushing the boundaries of live performance and encouraging artists – and their audiences - to explore new ideas and take artistic risks which most commercial venues are not able to afford. It is my understanding that their financial situation closely resembles my own, so everybody come on out and party down for the arts. Suggested donation is $10 and that'll buy you beer, wine, and muncheable goods.

Click here for directions.

Introducing Habu the Polytheistic Elephant and his proselytizing apparel.
You might also enjoy Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew, though FAB finds him somewhat confusing. Though we suppose that's the insidious point.

And this has been in the works for months, but local favorites Snowden have officially signed with Jade Tree.

Don't forget that Pitchfork Music Festival tickets went on sale today.

So apparently there was some sort of awards show orgy last night in California. I was busy watching 7 consecutive episodes of various flavors of Law and Order, only 3 of which I'd already seen before. My bad.

Dear Internet,

Sometime early last week I asked "Kevin Federline" to be my friend on MySpace. While I understand that Kevin Federline on MySpace is most likely not the same Kevin Federline who has gifted the world with PopoZao. But it is perhaps this discrepancy that makes the rejection even colder: someone with enough time and wherewithall on their hands to impersonate the body and soul of Kevin Federline, he who married Britney and let her go all Cheetoh Dust TubbyBritney on us, doesn't see fit to be my fake internet friend.

I think I'll go cut myself for a while so I can see, feel, and be the tangible incarnation of my inner psychic pain.

Laters,

FAB

Unless something truly extraordinary happens. And the extraordinary has happened. We just read what is likely the most amazing sentence ever published in The Paper of Record:

"Unfortunately it was bearded in the soul patch style, which can make any chin look vaguely pudendal, but that was nothing that a persuasive girlfriend and a lovingly applied coat of Nair couldn't eventually take care of."

PUDENDAL? Did someone really just use the word "pudendal" in THE NEW YORK TIMES? Typical.

More Snow Patrol tickets have been released for their March 15th show at the Loft. Ticket Alternative has the dirt.

Tickets for Ween at the Tabernacle Mon, April 10th went on sale today.

Tickets for Ani Difranco at the Variety Wed, April 26th also went on sale today.

Tickets for Family Force 5 with the Modern Society, somedaynew, Last November, and DJ Snow at the Roxy on Sat, March 25th go on sale tomorrow.

Something involving Anna Kournakova at the Gwinnett Arena Sat, May 6th go on sale Monday.

UPDATE: Sorry we're a little slow on the ball today, but tickets for the 2nd Pitchfork Music Festival go on sale Monday.

(photo via Cityrag)

If Isaac Mizrahi didn't seem totally light in his loafers, nothing about this story would be surprising in the least. This picture almost makes FAB begin to understand the fascination. To be honest, we would have been hard pressed not to cop a feel ourselves.

You know you've noticed it. Boys, particularly boys in bands, and particularly those darn boys in them indie rock or emo bands, they're wearing the eyeliner. Makeup. The boys are wearing makeup these days. FAB can't really quite pinpoint when the new wave of madness began in earnest. Maybe with Brandon Flowers. Probably sometime before that. A few people have told me recently that they think boys wearing eyeliner is totally gay, not necessarily gay in the "I'm a homosexual" kind of sense but more in the general "that's lame in a gender bending kind of way" way or "what a fucking tool, dude" way. Personally, FAB thinks some boys look quite fetching in makeup (hello Brandon), and we appreciate the whole putting on makeup because I'm actually performing a show sentiment as opposed to the "Hello my name is Brandon Flowers and I wear eyeliner on my trips to Home Depot" thing. It's interesting to see how rock musicians, traditionally male (yes there are notable exceptions, but bear with me for a moment) with their own bizarre rules of masculinity, would be able to adopt such a traditionally feminine accoutrement (at least feminine in this culture) without compromising their sex appeal. But while FAB may think that makeup can be dead sexy on a guy (did I really just say that?), we should all agree to agree that blonds probably should not jump on the bandwagon.

Tonight FAB recommends checking out the Love Drunks, Tiger! Tiger!, and Col. Knowledge and the Lickety Splits at the Drunken Unicorn.

FAB also recommends heading to Lenny's to hear Cassavettes, All the Saints, and Ocelot. By the way, we've been meaning to ask: what's your take on Cassavettes? Boom.

Late night, the D-O-double G will be making an appearance at Vision nightclub in midtown.

Saturday night, FAB recommends the Modern Society show with Creve Coeur and Kill Gordon at Vinyl.

And Sunday afternoon is the monthly meetup for the New York Corned Beef Society of Atlanta at Twain's in Decatur. Instead of the usual buffet style, starting this week, the pastrami and corned beef sandwiches will be served right at your table.

Because all bloggers are inherently narcissistic and probably dream of being plucked out of cyber obscurity by the supplicant literatti bearing huge signing bonuses, but not all of us can actually write. To meet this obvious need to spend money and explore different mediums for self-love, the capitalist process presents to you, blogger do-it-publishing. We're sure it would make a tasty Hannukah present for your Jewish parents. Look Ma, I may have dropped out of law school, but I'm, like, totally a published author now.

Celebrities who have very large heads.

Does Whitney have another crackbun in the oven?

"EDDIE Murphy's ongoing divorce battle could threaten to open the trannie closet from his past - particularly if information from a private eye once retained by the "Beverly Hills Cop" star falls into his estranged wife's hands." Which it certainly won't now that it's been published on Page Six.

You Ain't No Picasso interviews Page France.

Lil' Kim's lil' girls try to escape.

Video shows Bush new Katrina was gonna be "the Big One" even before the storm hit land. Clever little fucker, isn't he?

NY Public Library buys Burroughs archive.

CYHSY to do Letterman tonight.

Arctic Monkeys to do SNL.

AJC rated one of the best blogging newspapers in the country.

McDonald's Tel Aviv to change signs to appear more heckshered.

Of Montreal plan more reissues. MoreMoreMore!

WHICH very married pop superstar played a vigorous game of tonsil hockey with the much-younger drummer in her band at a recent L.A. party?

Apparently the city not as impressed with Del Posto as the NYTimes, FAB.

Blogger blogs defends hipster bloggers blogs. Or something.

As implausible as it sounds, Fall Out Boy to play secret show at the Knit in NY under the name Saved Latin.

As implausible as it sounds, new Pearl Jam drops May 1.

Lollapalooza tickets on sale.

Belle and Sebastian get a "meh" from Pitchfork.

Spin loses Chuck Klosterman.


Unsurprisingly, nobody bought MYSpace Records Vol. 1.

More pictures here.

(image via A Socialite's Life)

Tonight FAB recommends the Subways at the Loft with the Shys.

Partisan will be having their CD release party at the Earl with Brass Castle and God's America.

Mishka, Dance Berlin, the Hint and Rouletta will be upstairs at the Masquerade.

David Gray will be at the Fox Theatre.

Lohan nip slip. Is it just FAB, or is her nipple placed abnormally high on her boob? (click through for larger version).

Apparently at least one person was not happy with Jessica Alba's Playboy debut.

LA Weekly discusses the crossbreeding of literature and pop with Rick Moody, Jonathen Lethem, and John Darnielle.

Indie Access Radio finds Jesus, goes off the air.

KillGordon on the cover of SE Performer.

Americans know more about the Simpsons than the 1st Amendment. Naturally.

Boy on field trip sticks gum on abstract painting. No word on how long it took anyone to notice.

Those crazy Scots to produce 184-proof whiskey. FAB wants to breathe fire.

Jack White accuses Billy Childish of plagiarism.

Artsy types gone wild.

Franz Ferdinand to release double A-sided single. Double A-sided?

Spin Magazine goes for $5 million. If we'd known it was so cheap we would've taken out a loan oursevles.

You Ain't No Picasso interviews Tapes 'n Tapes.

Shooting outside Kanye gig.

FAB wants Mario Batali as her personal chef. Mmm...Batali.

Mississippi House Public Health Committee votes to ban abortion except to save the mother's life.

The verdict is in: yeo won't ruin your modeling career and everything is well with the universe again.

Speaking of which, Tyra takes it off for tv.

Watch the Microsoft iPod parody.

Mr. and Mrs. Julia Roberts gossip like two little girls.

Watch the Streets' new video for When You Wasn't Famous.

Grandmaster Flash and Public Enemy contribute to sweet in-game soundtrack.

Teri Hatcher comes clean about needling truth.

People are talking about Rhett Miller.

Kiss Atlanta gets served.

Gorillaz to play the Apollo.

Kids build soybean-fueled car that can do 0 to 60 in four.

Madonna to do Coachella.

Be in a Shakira video.