Friday, October 29, 2004

Please Feed Me Bacon and Amputate My Feet 

When it's 3am and you've been drinking since 9pm at a Halloween party, it might seem like a good idea to walk half a mile in 4 inch heels and a purple wig to the nearest Waffle House because you know you love the Waffle House and half a mile doesn't seem that far, but at times like these, it's generally best to check your judgment. Or you may never be able to don shoes again. At least you'll get a cool new yellow and black Waffle House hat to show for the experience.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

My only question is where were the damn MTV cameras when we needed them? As I've already mentioned, this has the makings of the best Newlyweds season ever!

"Many positive things associated with student alcohol use," says Norwegian expert. In other news, Pabst to sponsor Oregon State PBR fraternity. Sweet.

I don't know about you, but it looks like it's gonna be Hell for me. It's a bummer, but I do appreciate the jazzy little flaming graphic. It looks so much edgier than Heaven, dontcha think? Posted by Hello

Wednesday, October 27, 2004


So, uh, what happens now? The apocalypse?

Highlights from Atlanta, Hotbed of Crime 

At Lenox Square mall, a man walked into a department store, grabbed a Girbaud suit, rolled it up and walked out of the store. Two security guards chased him, but he got away. A few minutes later, the man walked back into the same store. Now he was wearing the suit that he had just stolen. Security guards stopped him. The man took off the suit and ripped it up. Then, he poured ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise on the suit. Again, the man left the store. This time, security guards caught him.

A man on Berne Street said a woman age 35-40 is calling his home night and day. The man said the woman is having an affair with his mother. The woman feels that he is trying to break up the affair between his mother and herself. The woman has called the man before, and she's not supposed to contact him.

A 37-year-old woman on Sharondale Road in Garden Hills said she heard a noise inside her home and thought someone was trying to break in. After hearing the noise, she called 911. When an officer arrived, the woman realized the noise was not a burglar, but the sound of her daughter using the restroom.

In Midtown at North Avenue and Myrtle Street, a 64-year-old man was standing on the sidewalk with his penis exposed. The man was urinating. Police stopped the man. "Officer, I have heart trouble," the man said.
Police found a crack pipe in his front pocket.

(compiled from police reports by Creative Loafing, selected by FAB)

Americans never lose their sense of humor or sense of self-righteous indignation expressed in humorous fashion. Actually, I think the funniest thing here is that these people aren't even trying to be funny. Letters to the Guardian in response to their voicing an anti-Bush position via Eurotrash.

Bush Cheney Sign Sting Update 

Some woman in Florida got caught for repeatedly stealing her neighbor's Bush Cheney lawn signs.
An as an update on my own neighborhood situation, apparently I lost the war on the lawn signs as after my appropriation of the offensive sign, there has been a subsequent proliferation of Bush signs on the property in question. Yes, they now have not one, but two Bush signs. Though, I'm not too concerned because at least one of the signs is obscured by the circa 1956 rusty pickup truck parked on the front lawn. And I think your attention is actually drawn toward the disgusting bright purple gauzy stuff draped over the front of the house and RIP signs variously poking up out of the grass as your eye moves up the property. I think these latest acts of aesthetic aggression actually have something to do with Halloween, so they can be forgiven. Though they do little to explain away the additional circa 1956 rusty open-bed pickup truck under the car park and the dilapidated looking boat parked next to it, neither of which appear to have seen open road or open water respectively since before the Nixon administration. Words can hardly do justice to the scene I witness at least twice a day. I wanted to get photographic evidence, but this can only be procured during the daytime, and as I may have mentioned, being shot is unfortunately an actual concern here.


If you're not at the Pinback show, check out the lunar eclipse which starts at 9:14pm tonight and should last until about 11:44pm.

Tonight see Pinback at the Variety Playhouse in Little Five Points.

For my friends who still spend hours staring blankly at a computer with little or no mental activity, here's a reality-based office simulation computer game: throw the paper in the basket. Enjoy.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

From the New Yorker's systematic, articulate, and evidence-based explanation of why Bush sucks a fat one and must be fired immediately:
"The damage visited upon America, and upon America’s standing in the world, by the Bush Administration’s reckless mishandling of the public trust will not easily be undone. And for many voters the desire to see the damage arrested is reason enough to vote for John Kerry. But the challenger has more to offer than the fact that he is not George W. Bush. In every crucial area of concern to Americans (the economy, health care, the environment, Social Security, the judiciary, national security, foreign policy, the war in Iraq, the fight against terrorism), Kerry offers a clear, corrective alternative to Bush’s curious blend of smugness, radicalism, and demagoguery."
If you actually know someone who, for some reason, still isn't sure about what to do next Tuesday, please please please share this. (via Everything Is Wrong With Me via SlackLalane).

Note to Self 

When you finally fit back into that coveted pair of Marc Jacobs pants, this is not a good time to sit on the floor in front of the washing machine and pour bleach because, even though you think you're careful, you will inevitably spill the bleach on your pants, leaving a rather unsightly drip stain on said pants.

Those alliteration loving philosophers over at Page Six posed this existential beauty today: If Paris Hilton was a hotel, would the rooms ever be vacant?

Monday, October 25, 2004


Appparently Ashlee is on the defensive about her hilarious SNL appearance. She lashes out at the little people laughing at her with the amusing claim that there are "too many important people behind my career to stop it now."
And in case you haven't had a chance to laugh at her yourself, check out the clip via college humor.
The Fat Asian Baby has never taken Ashlee Simpson seriously anyway (I mean, as seriously as I take my other pop stars) because her entire career was launched in the three months I was in Paris. When I left the States, Ashlee was a nobody with occasional cameos on Newlyweds (and my roommate informs me, a regular role on some sitcom on a channel I never watch) but pretty much a nobody except to a select group 11 year old girls. When I returned, it was Ashleemania. Needless to say, the whole rise of Ashlee Simpson has seemed nothing short of surreal. If the SNL appearance signals the beginning of the end of Ashlee (which I can only hope it does), then she will have accomplished the impressive task of fitting her entire career into the span of just under 6 months. I wonder if this is a new record.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

While living in New York, the Fat Asian Baby enjoyed unbridled freedom to exercise alcoholic tendencies as often as possible. No matter where the night went, or how long, there would always be the subway or a trusty yellow cab (or gypsy cab in Brooklyn) to chauffer me home safely. While I have been known to get out of a cab prematurely to deposit my dinner on the street, unlike some others I know, I have never actually blown chunks while riding in a cab. At any rate, New Yorkers are able to practice alcoholism at will and never need worry about transportation. Not so in Atlanta. Without any public transport to speak of, FAB is forced to drive everywhere and is not keen on leaving the car downtown and cabbing it several miles home at the end of the night. Let's just say that living here has been a serious obstacle to the free exercise of flagrant intoxication. I had been extremely displeased with the state of things until reading about this ingenious new service in LA. I can't wait until Autopilots or Home James opens a branch in Hotlanta so I can have my very own struggling male model or actor (or struggling hip hop artist?) to whisk me home at the end of a long night of appreciating liver function.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Better and Betterer 

Estimates by U.S. See More Rebels With More Funds: "The core Iraqi resistance numbers between 8,000 and 12,000 people, with many more sympathizers, according to officials." Yep, I definitely feel safer today. Thanks George.

This is fairly appalling as well.

Sweet Mary mother of God! What's come over people? The World Series to come to Beantown for the first time since like 1986 or something and you want to make even more sports history by making it a dry one? Dude, they're gonna go apeshit anyway. Just accept it and move on.


Tara Reid's a natural blonde? If pictures of her sister (via the Superficial) are any indication, she's all natural. Or, considering their matching grapefruit implants, maybe they're just dipping into the same bottle of peroxide.
And a word to Tara's sister, dude, maybe you shouldn't wear such confining shirts that clearly don't fit because your right nipple appears to be desperately trying to escape.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Cold Office Bad for Business 

Just as the Fat Asian Baby has always maintained, the reason that I did jack shit for an entire year and a half at my job in New York was not my fault. Just ask those busy scientists up at Cornell. No it's not because I'm lazy. No it's not because I hated my boss and coworkers. It's because it was TOO DAMN COLD in there. People are not meant to work in meat lockers. Well, most people.

Well, I guess I eat my words. It's about time the Red Sox did something right and not only that, they made baseball history for the biggest post-season comeback. Seeing all those men jumping all over each other gives the Fat Asian Baby such a warm, happy feeling. Now don't get me wrong, he's still my favorite Red Sock, but does anyone else think that Johnny Damon looks as though he could be Julia Stiles' long lost Neanderthal cousin?  Posted by Hello

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Wednesday, October 20, 2004

My Aren't We Being Superficial? 

Jesus, what the hell is wrong with these Yankee pitchers? Bring back Petitte. For some reason, management seems to have decided it would be a good idea to trade almost all the good ones. And while we're on the topic of New York losses, how did we lose Robin Ventura? He may have been the slowest man in baseball, but the Fat Asian Baby always sorta liked him. Next thing you know they'll be trading Derek Jeter. Even though FAB isn't actually a Yankee fan, I've always been fond of Jeter as well. He's nearly flawless...on the field, that is. I mean, the man dated Mariah Carey, for God's sake.
In other non-news, I've long thought Jorge Posada looks like that lanky quiet kid in 6th grade who sorta resembled an animated rodent. But then again, he's the one who's a MLB player, so I guess he's having the last laugh.
FAB also likes Johnny Damon and all. He seems like a pretty cool guy. But when and why did he begin channeling a grizzly bear?

Jon Stewart Funny AND Smart 

Even the stodgy folks at the New York Times think Jon Stewart is funny and want to proverbially suck his dick.
And in case you've been living under a rock and somehow stillll haven't seen the clip. Here's a link.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

To do (and the meaning of October) 

Tuesday night hear The Faint play at the Variety Playhouse. Also, The Roots may be performing on a field at Emory University, but you didn't hear it from me.

The last time the Fat Asian Baby heard the Roots was in 1999. They were the first concert that FAB's alma mater held in the acoustically high-tech theater of its brand spanking new super expensive student center. Well the acoustics sucked. And as far as I know, they haven't tried to hold a concert there since (barring, like, the school orchestra, that is).

Unfortunately I will not be attending the concert as there seems to be a miscommunication between me and every professor I have ever had regarding the purpose of late October. Professors past and present, please take note: late October is for watching baseball playoffs and, if time allows, concerts, Oktoberfest beers, and eating a shit-ton of candy. It is not, however, a time for a bajillion complicated papers and brain-teasing midterms. Life is about choices and priorities, and let me tell you, my priorities are most definitely not on your stupid tests. So please. Just stop.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Has anybody else seen the cover of this week's Newsweek? It kinda looks as though their people made Dana Reeves pose with her arms around Mme. Tussaud's wax version of her husband. How insensitive can they be? The woman just lost her husband, for crying out loud.

Do Not Fly 

A few days ago, the Fat Asian Baby started taking a new medication. Because I was feeling so spacey and confused all morning I decided to check out some of the side effects and contraindications. The side effects were all the ones that are listed for pretty much every other med I've ever taken. And as for the contraindications? Apparently I'm not supposed to operate air craft. Ummm...I'll try and keep this in mind next time I want to take my Boeing out to buy more bacon.

Now that was a baseball game.

Stars Up Close states rather authoritatively that BritBrit has long battled acne, but the Fat Asian Baby is a little bit skeptical. We've all seen the first picture before, but the bottom two? Those are pretty atrocious. If her acne was really this bad all along, how is it possible that it's only just coming out now? She must have had the world's most fascist PR person and the world's most amazing make-up artist (and airbrusher, blah blahblah). Maybe she's just under a lot of stress these days from her fake marriage to the Kevinator and the pressures of starting a family and all. To be perfectly honest, letting the acne and the double chin all hang out almost make me like the girl better.
In other news, a few days ago I was listening to Toxic and almost snorted milk out of my nose because I thought Britney said something about a poisoned paradigm. Apparently what she was really saying was "poison paradise." My bad.

Sunday, October 17, 2004

So the Red Sox continue to suck. The Fat Asian Baby actually hopes they win tonight because otherwise it's just really, really sad, and I fear their fans can't take much more. But according to the NYTimes, being a Red Sox fan can actually be good for one's emotional development. " People who root for losers also quickly learn how to explain and adjust to failure, skills that psychologists say are emotionally protective." Righto.
 Posted by Hello

Saturday, October 16, 2004


A. has suggested this as the solution to my reception woes. Sweet Jesus, I'm not that cheap, and furthermore, I lack the army of midget slaves necessary to undertake such an endeavor. Apparently real antennae only cost like $10.

The Fat Asian Baby finally caved to her innate couch potato/lazy piece of shit instincts and bought a television. I am still far too cheap for cable, and when I plugged in the tv, I discovered I receive two channels only: the Home Shopping Network and NBC. Now, the Fat Asian Baby loves NBC. While it is not as good as TNT, I can still get my fill of Law and Order three times a week. However, on day one of new tv ownership, the only programming listed for the evening on NBC is the NASCAR 2004-2005 Nextel Cup. Fanfuckingtastic.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Oh how I love the Onion.

It is just about this time of year every year that the Fat Asian Baby ponders how much it must suck to be a Red Sox fan. And no comments thank you about my own crappy team. Somehow it doesn't seem nearly as tragic since we pretty much never even come close to the post-season anyway, and most of us don't harbor self-destructive delusions of actually winning the pennant. Jason Mulgrew on the "hopeless losers" that are the Boston Red Sox (scroll down).

Victoria Beckham, Fashion Designer 

"Denim expert" Posh Spice apparently using her "brain for the first time in a long time." Using her what?!? Why don't you try using your fork too, Vicky?

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Apparently local officials want to spend $18 million to build a miniature Arc de Triomphe in downtown Atlanta. While the Fat Asian Baby is all in favor of absurd copies of national monuments more traditionally associated with other countries (ie: ViaGina and I had a lovely time on our pilgrimage to Nashville's concrete Parthenon), I can't help but wonder why, if Atlantans are so interested in public art of their own, why they don't just commission pieces of public art from like local artists or something...you know, perhaps something innovative and original that isn't already an overused icon of another country.

And in other news...according to Australian scientists, having sex with strangers in your sleep is "increasingly being recognised as a real and personally devastating condition." Verrrry interesting.

Mmm. Pizza. 

(The Fat Asian Baby just shakes her head in amused disbelief). Is this a chemical peel gone horribly awry? Somebody please tell me what in the hell is going on. It looks as though we're in middle school all over again except with sex and money and our very own trailer this time.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

I dare say it's almost uncanny how one can be sitting in a computer lab slaving away at some boring statistical analysis computer programming and begin to feel unacceptably nauseous, in fact, so nauseous that one is forced to cancel an appointment with a professor (this in itself involving a nearly vomit-inducin g elevator ride) and cut out on an afternoon class to return to home. However, isn't it funny that when one returns home and to the rightful pajamaed state, said nausea mysteriously subsides. Ah well, now that I'm here, I guess I'll go back to bed anyway so I'm well rested for the debate tonight.
Getting up in the morning always seems to get my day started off on the wrong foot. I wonder if some people are simply biologically unfit for morning activities. Can someone please write me a doctor's note excusing me henceforth from any morning obligations that may arise?

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

New York Apparently Still Cool 

The Fat Asian Baby spent Fall Break in her home town. I was starting to really like Atlanta and think New York really isn't all that, but actually, I think I was just deluding myself. Like a tourist, FAB whipped her camera out of her purse and took pictures as the plane approached the New York City. Here are some hazy aerial shots of Manhattan and blurry shots of Alma Mater.  Posted by Hello

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To Do: 

1. Find scalped tickets for tonight's Death Cab for Cutie show at the Variety Playhouse.
2. Find scalped tickets for the Pixies shows tomorrow or Thursday nights at the (Fabulous) Fox Theatre.
3. Sit at home and sulk.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

The New York Times uses a fancy word in a headline. In related news, Columbia's second favorite pretentious French deconstructionist, Jacques Derrida passed away. I guess this means the Fat Asian Baby will never get to ask him what the hell he's talking about.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Dick Cheney revealed via TrinPundit.

Operation Bubbe 

Your bubbe needs you because in Florida, they may not count every vote, but every vote does matter, so come to Florida this election day and make the bubbe vote count thanks to Operation Bubbe, via New Yorkish.

FAB Gets on Preachy High Horse 

The Fat Asian Baby may be a self-righteous, bleeding heart liberal bitch, but this is pretty fucking amazing. Perhaps we could consider increasing the development budget to help people lift themselves out of the sort of extreme poverty, desperation, and lack of autonomy over their lives that so often drives them to terror and violence.

The Fat Asian Baby periodically receives emails of non-profit job announcements from the graduate school list-serve. Now, as much as I've always dreamed of being Chief of the Party, here's one job I'm pretty sure I will not be applying for.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

What the? 

What kind of New Yorker are you? According to Quizilla the Fat Asian Baby is a hipster. "You're probably screaming, I am not a hipster! at the screen right now. Sorry, thinking trucker hats are stupid, living in a currently hip neighborhood when it wasn't quite so hip, and/or being from the East Coast don't get you off the hook. Come on, you probably found out about this quiz on Craig's List."
Actually I didn't, I found out about it from Jacinthe. And actually I live in Georgia. How hip am I now, quizilla?

Contemporary Japanese culture continues to be a source of constant concerning yet amusing bewilderment. This appears to have something to do with a fantasy and fetish game show. Fantasy and fetish GAME SHOW? Uhhhh...yeah, and as fantasies and fetishes go, I'd say this one seems pretty weak, but nonetheless really fucking weird. As for the third picture, it appears we are not only fantasizing about Japanese girls dressed up as ugly Narnia-inspired superheroes, but round Asian babies attired almost entirely in fluorescent green.

Priceless Moments in Kabbalah 

Stereogum provides some charming pictures of everyone's (second) favorite Kaballah devotee. "Note the return of Brit's red string bracelet. It's on the hand that's not flipping the bird (in accordance with Esther's Guide To Jewish Mysticism)." That's the spirit! I suppose ancient mysticism is no match in steadying the frayed nerves of a former teenage celebrity obviously damaged by the mean glare of media gossip.

Media Gossip Destroying the Fabric of Society 

According to Page Six, Seventeen Magazine editor, Atoosa Rubenstein is trying to break up the party. Ever the conscientious Barnard alumna, Atossa is very concerned about girls' self esteem and the damage of media gossip. Which girls, you ask? Why, teenage celebrities like Lindsay Lohan. Apparently we should all be more supportive of her brave decision to have breast implants because the gossip is affecting her in a negative way. While, I dare say that we, the producers and consumers of celebrity gossip, are hardly the source of "the problem," let me be the first to apologize to Lindsay for snickering at your ridiculous implant scars. I was wrong. You wear your silicone melons with pride, girl. Is that better, Atoosa?

Waiting for MOMA 

The recent spate of articles in the New York Times and in this week's Newsweek about the return of the Museum of Modern Art to Manhattan next month has the Fat Asian Baby muy excited. I can't wait to check out Japanese architect Yoshio Taniguchi's new modernist space for the greatest modern art museum in the world.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Oh Canada 

Half Of Residents In Canadian Town Implicated In Sweeping Pot Raid. "SEYMOUR ARM, British Columbia -- This lakeside hamlet is so remote it can be reached only by boat or logging road, and so small there is only one store." I mean really, what else are they supposed to be doing?

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

The Fat Asian Baby would totally do John Edwards. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

A very informative comparative analysis of the Midwest vs. the Mideast brought to you by the folks at the Black Table.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Australia's panties in a bunch over airline security via Thighs Wide Shut. But I think the real question here is why was someone throwing out their vibrator? And at in an airport cafeteria? I can only begin to imagine the backstory here.

Sunday, October 03, 2004


For future reference, the Fat Asian Baby does not negotiate life and action circumscribed by Kantian moral foundations and categorical imperatives. Perhaps there is been some confusion on this point, but please note that at this juncture, FAB is categorically unable to "act only according to maxims whereby I can at the same time will that they should become universal laws."
Now please excuse me while I go eat some bacon and smoke a cigarette.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Sweet Victory! 

I am a bad, bad girl. I had to wait for the right moment because the perpetrators of the Bush lawn sign always seemed to be home (though this could just be due to the many cars and one boat that are parked in their driveway and lawn area. perhaps they are just for show, never go anywhere and therefore innaccurate indicators of homeowner presence.) Nonetheless, on a nighttime stealth mission, the Fat Asian Baby was able to procure said sign completely unnoticed by potentially trigger-happy Bush supporters. I shall now be able to drive to school without being visually assaulted by this eyesore. Victory is mine! Posted by Hello

Atlanta Gets It On, In the Bar, With Clothes On 

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I thought this scene I witnessed last night at The Earl was worth a thousand words, but somehow I can't even think of one. Quite frankly, I"m not even sure what's going on here, all I knew is some guy is lying prone on the table and some girl is, uh, straddling him.  Posted by Hello

Friday, October 01, 2004

Iconoclastic American photographer Richard Avedon passed away today. He was one of the most talented and well-known American photographers and even if people didn't know who he was, they probably knew his work.
Last year, FAB's friend G. ran into Avedon at his own exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and discussed how very attractive his son is. FAB wishes should could console his son now, but instead will settle for drinking a beer while working on a problem set.

FAB Disagrees with the Heartland 

The Fat Asian Baby has been trying to figure out just why so much of this country seems to think Bush would be a better president than Kerry. I can only conclude that we seem to have a fundamentally different understanding of the role of the president. According to numerous articles, Bush is popular because, despite his absurd wealth and elitist upbringing, he plays the downhome Joe Nextdoor role remarkably well. Ok fine. Maybe if I didn't hate Bush so much just because he's Bush, I'd rather hang out at the next kegger with him than Kerry, but what the hell does that matter?? Last time I checked, a) you're probably not going to be sharing a beer with the president anytime soon and b) as far as I understand the job, which maybe I don't, a not insignificant portion of being the president is, like, occasionally making important yet difficult decisions that may require a nuanced and possibly complex understanding of stuff? I mean, sure I dig Viagina and think she's a cool chick to hang out with, but to be perfectly honest, I still fail to see how that would qualify her to run my company, or country, for that matter. So who are these people that are basing their votes on the candidate's likeability quotient and why? I am seriously perplexed.

While the Fat Asian Baby is, by nature, a political animal, I am not going to bore you with the post game wrap up except to say, is it just me or did Bush look like an elementary school boy being scolded after getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar every time Kerry was speaking?

On a not even tangentially related subject, many of you may be familiar with FAB's spacial reasoning deficits and lack of mastery over various limbs and digits. I continue to bring household accidents to new and ridiculous levels. Towards this effort,I am currently sporting a small blood blister following a gruesome dinnertime accident trying to close the top of the ketchup bottle. I am beginning to fear an untimely death featuring some unthinkable mechanism and a shag carpet.

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