Fat Asian Baby

Well we certainly couldn't have seen this one coming.

MK may stretch her "acting" muscles.

Tyra does Paris, Paris does skanky.

The NYTimes stretches its analogy muscles.
Last Night's Party:Club Kids::W magazine:Park Avenue Socialites

Franz Ferdinand to cover Air.

Madonna thinks we should stop making fun of Scientology.

Britney to brainwash small childrenh with her Kabbala children's book. Kabbalah children's book?

Which swishy pop star who won't admit he's gay is dating a well-known interior designer? The decorator is recovering from his previous boyfriend's tragic death, while the pop star is equally despondent about his ailing career.
Which flashy European party boy is becoming infamous for drugging and taking advantage of the models he surrounds himself with at city nightclubs? (via Page Six)

Bush sidesteps to the right.

Introducing Matila Rose Ledger.

Jude digs Sienna's new do.

All aboard the Hogwarts Express.

Still making money after all these years.

Tonight check out Gogol Bordello and Throw Rag at the Drunken Unicorn.

Coheed and Cambria, the Blood Brothers, Dredg, and mewithoutYou will be at the Tabernacle.

While at one point in life, FAB could needlepoint, basketweave, carpet weave, crochet, AND knit, at present FAB has no real domestic skills of her own to speak of. However, I am often tickled by others' skilled creative enterprises. Behold Mario in weave and a knitted digestive tract. (via boingboing) FAB needs a new scarf.

This afternoon at 6pm, FAB will be busting ass to get over to Criminal Records in time to catch DFA 1979's DJ set following their show last night with Nine Inch Nails at Philips Arena.

Tonight check out the Black Lips and King Kahn at the Drunken Unicorn.

Bain Mattox will be having a CD release at the Roxy with A Fir-Ju Well, Somedaynew, and Tim Brantley.

Decatur Social Club will be hosting Zombie Attack at Azul/Raging Burrito. Come dressed as the undead. The following tickets are up for grabs to the first zombies who impress Preston:
4 Tickets VHS or BETA for Saturday October 29th @ Vinyl
2 Tickets for LCD Soundsystem Nov 11th @ Earthlink Live
20 Tickets to the PRIVATE LCD Soundsystem Dance Party Nov 11th. @ Vinyl

Saturday night the lucky few will be at the Tabernacle for Death Cab for Cutie and Stars. FAB will be jealous.

The Roxy will be hosting "A Night To Rebuild" w/ Red Letter Agent, Five Eight, The Swear, Trances Arc, Sovus Radio, and several other bands.

Vinyl will be hosting their Third Annual Halloween Party with VHS or BETA. See Preston about winning free tickets.

[Ed. Note: Now normally FAB likes to pretty up the posts for you, adding links here and there pointing you to the bands or music venues in question. And maybe I still will. But about 20 minutes ago I took an ambien (oh sweet sweet ambien) and it's starting to make all my letters run together in really the most charming way. But I suspect this may not be the most optimal time to try inserting helpful little html codes here and there and everywhere. And, well, you get the idea. This was all just a long and convoluted way of saying that formatting will be forthcoming sometime in the afternoon, you dig?]
[Ed. Note v.1.2: I know there are many many fun sounding parties going on this weekend that I am not at liberty to discuss here. But let's just say that if you happen to see FAB at one of these fantastic Halloween parties, remember that she likes vodka, whiskey, junior mints, and reese's pieces peanut butter cups, but not necessarily all in conjunction. Thank you.]

Brandon Flowers is the new Axl Rose.

David Lee Roth is the new Howard Stern.

First the Red Sox and now the White Sox? What's next? A cure for cancer?

Gwinnett to continue dumping shit into Lake Lanier.

Prince Harry ordered to drop trou.


Steve Coogan denies knocking up Courtney Love. Wouldn't anybody?

Janet Jackson denies daughter.

FAB is waiting patiently for the inevitable Margherita Missoni/Francesca Versace catfight.

DMX heads to the Big House.

FAB wants Chloe.

Rivers Cuomo gives up sex and returns to Harvard. Or returns to Harvard to give up sex.

Tonight Nine Inch Nails, Queens of the Stone Age, and Death From Above 1979 will be at Philips Arena.

Also, Th'Legendary Shack*Shakers, Deke Dickerson & the Ecco-Fonics, and Jake Brennan & The Confidence Men will be at the Earl.

I know I shouldn't joke about terrorist bombings and death because, quite frankly, they just aren't very funny at all. Except for this:

"The terrorist group led by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi posted an Internet message on Tuesday claiming responsibility for the bombings in Sulaimaniya and for the Baghdad bombings on Monday, which it said were directed at "the crusaders and their midgets" and which killed at least six people."

Crusaders and their WHAT?

I'm sorry, but that's funny. Inappropriate, yes, but funny. Kind of like when my tenth grade health teacher passed around rubber models of tumor-riddled testicles and breasts for us to familiarize ourselves with the sensation of fondling tumor-riddled testicles and breasts and honestly, they simply killed (groan, no pun intended, seriously). The teacher seemed shocked and disappointed that we couldn't handle the exercise with the appropriate degree of maturity and decorum. I still maintain that I do not think I will ever attain the level of maturity where lumpy, disembodied testicles do not make me crack up. And I really am sorry for that.

Tonight Billy Idol will be at the Tabernacle. Seriously.

Rump Posse, DMBQ, and the Spooks will be at the Drunken Unicorn. Kiss Atlanta's interview with Rump Posse.

Orenda Fink and Neva Dinova will be at the Earl.

I MUST have this shirt.And yes, I have been to the Galapagos.

"I'm at my happiest when I'm getting punched in the face." Well, we'd be happy to oblige you, Danny.

Peace out to Rosa Parks.

Annie, the new Kylie for the gays, humbly submits DJ-Kicks for our dancing consideration.

Sufjan Stevens' 7" collaboration with Half Handed Cloud to be released.

New study finds smoking negatively related to IQ and thinking. And all along I was thinking it was because God gave me a brain that was fashioned entirely out of Swiss Cheese. Mmm Swiss Cheese...

Dr. Sunken Tits is actually quite proud of her vampire scraggleteeth.

Nano suit.

"I Love the A-T-L" anthem makes its debut.

Guess who tops of the Biggest Celebrity Ego list. No seriously, guess.

Tending bar a bit harder than it looks, eh Tim?

Owners spend $300K to remodel McDonald's in hopes it will become "the four-star restaurant of the fast-food arena."

Brazilian woman suing her lover for failing to bring the party, if you know what we mean.

Mainstream press just now discovers brain drain phenomenon and its impact on developing nations.

Do not be fooled: tonight's alleged Dressy Bessy show at the Earl was cancelled ages ago.

FAB is but a humble sinner. Far be it from me to question the infinite wisdom of the Holy of Holies, but can someone please explain what the hell Bobby Trendy is for because I seriously cannot figure it out.

Homer Simpson named Man of the Decade by British Mens Health magazine.

Janet Jackson's secret teenage daughter.

Looks like Gwyneth's got another apple in her basket.

Introducing Alecia Hart.

Pitchfork pitchforks the Fiery Furnaces' new effort.

Bolivian presidential frontrunner may be forecasting snow.

Ridiculously cheesy British R&B star, Craig David, vying for Sienna Miller's heart.

"She's found writing her thoughts down in verse very calming." Snort.

Elton John revamps and rereleases Peachtree Road.

Franz Ferdinand is already talking about world domination their third album.

New Devendra Banhart single out next month.

The times, they are a-changin'.

Another one bites the dust. And hey, is she knocked up with the Beckham wunderseed?

This evening check out Collective Soul and Natasha Bedingfield at Atlantic Station.

On Saturday, Cafe Tu Tu Tango is hosting an opening in their downstairs area with over 100 pieces of art for sale from Tindel, Michi and TINDELMICHI. Good food, music and a Big Jose Cuervo After Party for the event. Opening start at 8:00 and the after party will begin at 11:30. Freshest Southern Contemporary art and Tequila.... whoo there will be some fightin and cryin. If you have any questions, please call Cafe Tu Tu Tango at 404-841-6222.

Saturday night FAB also recommends heading of to the Earl to see the National, the Cloud Room, and Silent Kids.

FAB also recommends seeing Athens' the Psychic Hearts in their last live gig before heading into hibernation for a while. They'll be at Vinyl with the Gates of Berlin, Hot Young Priest, and Homeroom.

And...all weekend long next door in Decatur, Paste Magazine will be holding its Rock 'N' Reel Festival with 32 bands and over 20 hours of film. For the full schedule, go here.

SUPER IMPORTANT UPDATE: I forgot to mention that Paste is still looking for volunteers to work the festival. Volunteers get in free for the day and get to saunter around looking important. If you're interested, contact kate.

Tickets for Tegan and Sara at the Variety Playhouse on Monday, November 28th go on sale today.

On sale tomorrow are tickets for Iron and Wine's return to the Variety on Friday, December 16th.

Be patient with dear old FAB, my friends. I have not abandoned you. I just woke up. And it doesn't feel that good. But I have things to tell you about tickets that are going on sale today and tomorrow (Tegan and Sara and Iron and Wine) and some interesting things going down in Atlanta and Decatur (Paste Rock N Reel Festival) this weekend.
We will get there, my friends, slowly but surely.

Babyshambles new album leaks.

OMG! Like they totally weren't kidding: Black really is the new black. (hiccup)

Gwyneth Paltrow totally obsessed with the fruit of her womb.

Anyone have an extra $125 million lying around? Apparently someone in Iowa does.

Beck to release Guerolito, which is (surprise!), a remixed version of Guero. How cute.

That rock music's just too damn loud.

The Thighmaster better watch out, it seems Miss Cuthbert has a new admirer.

Check out the Atlanta Rollergirls fundraiser tonight at the Drunken Unicorn featuring three of Atlanta's most promising bands.
FAB also recommends checking out Atmosphere at the Loft or for a completely different vibe, head over to the Earl to hear John Vanderslice.

I love New York City dearly and I won't bore you with the details, but I recently overheard/participated in a conversation with a friend who is currently looking for a place to live. (For those of you new to Fat Asian Baby's life I should preface by saying this conversation took place in our newly adopted city of Atlanta). She'd found the perfect place, but "it's really, really expensive."
"Oooh, how much?"
"Like $650 a month."
Collective whistling through the teeth and other non-verbal explanations of disbelief.

Contrast this to dear friend Drone's apartment-hunting experience back in the Big Apple:

Drone: Hi, I'm calling about the advertised $1,200 studio...

Bloodsucking Vulture: How much do you make?

Drone: I'm sorry?

Bloodsucking Vulture: How much do you make?!

Drone: [divulging information]

Bloodsucking Vulture: Sorry, you're a bad candidate. You need to make 90 times the monthly rent.

Drone: Sorry. Not to be rude [right], but what kind of asshole making $108,000 a year (i.e., 90 times $1,200) wants to live in a 150 square foot studio on the lower east side...

Bloodsucking Vulture: [silence... then] Click

Yes I remember that fundamental New York real estate conundrum and no I don't miss it.

Babyshambles ex-manager: It wasn't me. Because he totally wasn't even there during that one recording session that one time Kate did coke.

We don't get it either, but it sure is neat. Small people; big food. (via cityrag)

Hey look! A Hurricaine!

Judge finally strikes down Georgia poll tax.

Pitchfork vs. Lightning Bolt.

Pitchfork vs. Arab Strap.

No wonder she was so "supportive" of Sienna. Sadie schemes her way back in.

Hmm...I'm sure I'm forgetting something here, but I just can't put my fingaz on it.

Cobb County denies its prayers are to a Christian God.

The Rachael Ray Overexposure Project has begun. Really pointless article.

Apparently Bono actually wears those sunglasses for a reason. Other than appearing übercool, that is. (last item)

And the farce continues.

Take this: your cat may be allergic to you.

Wensleydale remains close to Wallace's heart and belly.

Introducing Cold River Vodka. From Maine.

Wedding dress? Check. Religion? Check. Uterus? Check. Friends? Check. Tom Cruise nears completion of his total takeover of Katie Holmes previous identity.

Saddle Creek has unveiled its compilation Katrina relief CD, Lagniappe.

Track listing:

Cursive – “Ten Percent to the Ten Percent”
Maria Taylor and Andy LeMaster – “Breathe”
Criteria – “Booketa”
The Elected – “San Francisco Via Chicago Blues”
Broken Spindles – “Move Away (Broken Spindles Remix)”
Cocoon (Jake Bellows and Todd Fink) – “She’s a Ghost”
Bright Eyes – “Napoleon’s Hat”
The Faint – “Hypnotised”
Orenda Fink – “No Evolution (acoustic)”
Mayday – “Footprints”
Sorry About Dresden – “Sunrise: Norfolk, Virginia”
Two Gallants – “All Your Faithless Loyalties”
The Good Life – “New Year’s Retribution”

All profits from the CD will be donated to Red Cross relief efforts. The CD is available now at iTunes and will be in stores October 25th.

Emotionally tortured high school girls and the sympathetic boys that love them get ready: Brights Eyes with Feist (ew!) and the Magic Numbers will be at the Georgia Theatre in Athens on Wednesday, Nov. 16th. Tickets can be bought from the Man or from Front Gate Tickets.

Orenda Fink will be at the Earl with Neva Dinova on Wednesday, October 26th.

It seems that Gina is keeping better tabs on those foolish children at the NYTimes. Snicker. I bet that somewhere in the bowels of 2 Times Square, someone is muffling the cries of the fact checking helper elves as they're summarily being drawn and quartered.

Gothamist finally reveals the fourth band joining the Capitol Years, Bravo Silva, and Snowden for the Moveable Hype 5.0/1 Year Anniversary lineup, the Cloud Room.
Moveable Hype 5.0 will be kicking some ass at the Knitting Factory Main Space on November 2nd. Buy your tickets now.

Hanson will be at the Roxy tonight, and goodness, I just can't stop giggling.

You heard me, the Balkans are the new cool.

You be the judge.
(image via junk feud)

The chicken cutlet conversation of last week (see item 6 and comments) caused one of FAB's age old questions to resurface. As our good friend Johnny pointed out, FAB has more than adequate bosoms thank you very much. And we've been this way for quite some time, since, say, seventh grade or so. Over the years we've sympathized with our less well-endowed friends' efforts to enhance their assets, but we've never quite understood the underlying logic assumed by boobie enhancer manufacturers and enthusiasts alike. If the boobie enhancers are meant to enhance the boobie effect, thereby attracting men's attention, and thereby leading to a little bumpity bumpity, as it were, what happens if this scheme is successful? What happens when the guy comes home with you, you're going hot and heavy, and you've got your chicken cutlets hanging out in your bra or you're sporting one of those water bras that Grace wore in that one episode of Will and Grace? I mean, the truth is bound to come out at some point. Heretofor FAB has always assumed that this practice of padding assets was the unique domain of modestly breasted females. But whoa were we mistaken.
I present to you, the Problem Solvers Underwear section of the International Male catalogue. FAB was particularly tickled by the circular butt pads on the underwear pictured at left. Granted, I am not actually a gay man (not that there's anything wrong with that), but boy does that make me H-O-T!

We highly recommend a full perusal of the entire catalogue. You will not be disappointed. Please do not ask us how we came into possession of this catalogue. It has something to do with Joe's Coffee in East Atlanta, but we're not exactly sure what, how, or why.

"Dr. Sunken Tits" sees herself for the first time.

Snow White and the Seven Gnomes.

Celebrity Bulge Blog.

Kermit and the City.


FAB's three loves: fashion, musicians, and the NYTimes Magazine.


Perez Hilton hearts Butch Walker.

Pitchfork bows down before David Byrne. Boards of Canada earn a respectable 7.6 from the judges.

The late great August Wilson gets his own theater.

Apparently Germans have the right idea.

Speaking of Germans and sex: Where Babies Come From (via Planet Dan).

Pete Doherty to set foot in rehab.

The White Stripes. New Single. Next Month. Yawn.

Stream Greenday's DVD trailer.

Roller derby makes a comeback. Speaking of which, the Atlanta Rollergirls will be having a fundraiser to support their next bout at the Drunken Unicorn this Thursday featuring Slushco, Kill Gordon, and the Judies.

Tonight FAB recommends checking out the New Pornographers at the Variety Playhouse with Destroyer and Immaculate Machine.

Nikka Costa will be at Smith's Olde Bar.

The Queers will be at the Drunken Unicorn.

Tickets for Kanye West at Philips Arena, Sunday, November 20th went on sale today.

Okay, okay, folks, somehow it's that time of the week again. And what a weekend it will be. Friday night we have some sort of bike ride thing leaving from 97 Estoria at 10:30 and will end up at Lenny's for the Friday night dance party. The ride and party is a benefit for the Sopo Bicycle Cooperative, a nonprofit do-it-yourself community workshop whose mission is to create equitable access to cycling by providing no/low-cost bicycle maintenance services and education. We're not quite sure who they are or exactly what it means, but it sounds good to us. And we strongly suspect they might be affiliated with those crazy bikers in the black speedos. And that sounds good to us.

If biking isn't your thing, head over to Lenny's a bit earlier to catch Tora Tora Tora. FAB caught them for the first time last week with Snowden and had our socks knocked clear off our toes.

Speaking of Snowden, they'll be doing it up for the second night of the aforementioned Other Sound Festival, tonight at the Earl for the Tom Collins' CD release party. Also playing will be the Close, Citified, the Psychic Hearts, Blake Rainey, and An Epic at Best. Music starts at 7:00pm.

Let us not forget that all day Saturday is the Great Beer Tasting Festival.

Saturday night the Other Sound Festival moves to Lenny's where you can catch the Heart Attacks, the Orphins, Heros Severum, the Positions, Jane Francis, and Cassavetes. Music allegedly starts at 2:00pm.

Believe it or not, FAB will be setting up camp at the Earl for the Ambulance LTD/Clap Your Hands Say Yeah show. Perhaps we've mentioned this before (cough).

The Rolling Stones and Wilco (what?) will be at Philips Arena (what?).

Sunday night catch the Nintendo Fusion Tour with Fall Out Boy, the Starting Line, Motion City Soundtrack, Boys Night Out, and Panic! At The Disco at the Tabernacle.

I literally had one foot out the door on my way to synagogue when this blind item slapped me in the face demanding my immediate attention. While I'm contemplating my misdeeds of the past year, why don't you contemplate this:
Which hugely cool US rap legend gets hisroad crew to pull out handsome young men from the audience at his show, and bring them backstage to hang out? If they fail to deliver, one of the road crew has to strip naked and crawl across the dressing room floor and administer oral attention to the sweaty star. (via popbitch)

Tonight the Other Sound Festival, a three day music, film, and media extravaganza organized by Atlanta-based indie music labels, kicks off at the 10 High with the Black Lips, Silent Kids, the Press, Chicken & Pigs, and Morninglights (but in the reverse order).

Also, Abalone, Helios, Jil Station, and Waving at Strangers will be upstairs at the Masquerade.

And I'm off to go spend the day sitting in synagogue thinking about how hungry thirsty repentant I am.
Have a beautiful day, folks.

FAB was pretty sure life didn't get much better than beer and pizza until TIWWDN discovered beer and FREE pizza. Seriously, if he's to be believed, the geniuses at Alligator Lounge give you a whole pizza just for ordering a pitcher of beer and a personal pan pizza just for conquering a pint. How can this be? If it wasn't in Brooklyn we'd swear it was the most perfect place on earth other than bed.

Dear Apple,
I love the new toys, but would you guys please stop using all the smart ones to invent neat-o, newfangled, aesthetically pleasing, must-have toys that nobody can afford and maybe put them to work on constructing an iPod (remember that simple portable mp3 player concept you had way back when?) whose battery has a half-life longer than the jar of crunchy kosher dill pickles in my fridge.

Thanks,
FAB

Apparently the Fat Asian Baby isn't the only one who thinks Judith Miller looks like a slightly worn, low-budget version of future FAB Halloween costume subject and 4 Times Square elevator Nazi, Anna Wintour.

For the sin I have committed by not just eating but actively coveting bacon and BBQ pulled pork.

For sitting idly by as I witness oppression and extreme poverty throughout the world.

For driving home when I probably shouldn't just because I'm afraid or too lazy to leave my car parked at the bar overnight.

For hurting people by speaking without thinking.

For pretending I didn't know the dishwasher needed to be emptied and waiting for someone else to do it.

For going home with that guy not because I liked him but because I hoped if I did he would finally stop calling me.

For making fun of Tara Reid, Spederline, Renee Zellweger, Ben Affleck, Michelle Williams, and Paris Hilton just because it amuses me.

For screening my parents' calls.

For thinking bad thoughts about the President even though I know it's not his fault that he's a fucking moron who doesn't know any better.

For failing to be there for my friends when they need me.

For saying I'm sorry about talking shit about Tara Reid, Spederline, Renee Zellweger, Ben Affleck, Michelle Williams, and Paris Hilton even though I am sorta sorry but have no real intention of stopping anytime soon.

For failing to take action while the American and Israeli governments commit acts I find embarrassing or even horrifying.

For going to synagogue less this year than I ever have in my entire life.

For not having the maturity to be patient with my mother even though I know that all she really wants is for us to be friends.

For avoiding eye contact with people I think are going to ask me for money.

For not respecting my body.

For spending a lot of time talking about midgets.

For spending a lot of time talking about midget porn.

For getting cable even though the last thing I need is further incentive to be even more of a lazy sack of shit that I already am.

For talking smack about people even though I care about them.

For humoring my mother only when I think I'm going to get something out of it.

For smoking and having to lie about it.

For considering Page Six a reliable source of information and spreading unsubstatiated rumors simply because they're pretty funny.

For being dismissive of people I think are retarded and for not purging "retarded" from my daily vocabulary.

For doing the bare minimum amount of work to get by in school.

For eating myself silly and then hating my body.

For excessive schadenfreude.

For thinking I'm pretty much always right.

For looking at the opposite gender in an inappropriate and disrespectful way.

For racing to finish the Amidah during the two times I actually do go to synagogue each year just so I can check out the other people there.
For making little effort to get to know people unless they try to get to know me first.

For reembracing tequila shots even though everybody knows that tequila shots only lead to very bad things.

For failing to be an advocate for positive social change within my own community.

For judging people by their taste in music, art, clothes, and food.

For asking family and friends to do things for me that I wouldn't really want to do for them.

For being a jealous bitch.

For spending inordinant amounts of time thinking, talking, reading, and writing about really frivolous stuff.

For thinking about what I'm going to say next rather than really hearing what somebody is saying to me.

For leaving class early because I'm bored.

For being unable to always protect people's confidences.

For swearing like a sailor.

For hating 98% of all the other drivers on the road.

For being unable to tell the people that I care about the most how much I love them.

For not making enough of an effort to change the things about myself that I know need changing.

The Great Pumpkin has arrived.

Ludacris may do East Tennessee State after all.

Georgia Tech nerds set off bomb in water bottle to see what happens.

Victoria's Secret displays replete with "women on all fours, others intertwined on a bed, still others in 'garters and whatnot'" not so welcome in Wisconsin.

Yankees go home.

Ashley Smith milks it.

Stream the new Louis XIV single.

REM rocks Athens wedding.

Brandon Flowers and Fall Out Boy kiss and make up.

Finding that selling overpriced trashy clothes is not enough to satiate him, Roberto Cavalli ventures into vodka distilling.

Britney Spears suffers multiple delusions.

The beginning of the end of Eminem?

The Hives jump on the DVD bandwagon.

Tonight check out Metric, the Most Serene Republic, and the Lovely Feathers at the Loft.

Elkland, Beat Beat Beat, and Sleep Therapy will be at the Drunken Unicorn.

Over the weekend, I received several more emails from our good friend, Johnny.
The last of which was this fine message:

Subject: you got any asian friends witth bigger tits?
Body: and thats likes really really big dicks? like thick too, like can deal with some pain

I would like to pretend that I'm a mature adult now*, but that's just not the case. I simply will not have any braided belt wearing assclown who lives in his parents' wood-panelled basement messing with friends that I may or may not even have. So I finally caved. And responded in kind:

Subject: RE: you got any asian friends witth bigger tits?
Body: asian women don't really like big dicks that much. because a lot of asian women are small, in a lot of asian cultures big dicks are considered freakish or defective.
anyway, i think you might find this amusing.

Dear John

peace.

\fab

I am anxiously awaiting his response.

*Though according to our good friends at the NY Times, FAB happily inhabits the post-teenage wasteland of emerging adulthood and is actually exempt from behaving like a grown-up at least until next year. Thanks guys.

Tonight check out Liz Phair and Matt Pond PA at the Roxy.

Amy Ray* & the Volunteers and Capital B at the Earl.

*That would be the more dykier and edgier Indigo Girl if you were to, you know, subscribe to the school of that there actually was a dykier and edgier Indigo Girl.

Collect all eight ten(!) Celebrity Emoticons.

The Fat Asian Baby has been reading with some interest about the recent terrorist threat against NYC subways. Don't get us wrong, unlike others we know, FAB actually enjoys riding the subway. The NYC subways are climate controlled which is more than we can say for the Paris Metro, the only other form of mass transit with which we have significant experience. And we find that the usually gentle rhythm is relaxing. Furthermore, riding the subway (albeit not so much during rush hour) provides ample opportunity for one of FAB's favorite passtimes, listening to a soundtrack of our choice while artfully pretending to be uncannily oblivious of the existence of other straphangers while really just checking them out behind the safety of sunglasses. Being naturally skeptical, we're not so sure what to make of the alleged threat given the political climate of late. However, we have always wondered why someone hadn't already thought to bomb the subway before seeing as how it seems like a piece of cake to our feeble terrorist minds. Step 1. Buy Metrocard. Step 2. Go through turnstyle. Step 3 (optional). Board train if you're feeling ambitious. Step 4. Detonate bomb. Whoa snap.

We were both amused and bemused to receive the following email this morning from former roommate D. who, until he quit his shite job at Pole Up Our Ass LLP which drove him to spend time convalescing on a hippie farm in Costa Rica, was actually a rather clean cut, if perpetually stoned looking, kid:

so it finally happened: i got stopped this morning on the way to work. the conductor thought i was suspicious (beard and bag and my book called "the one straw revolution") and held the train at bway lafayette until cops came and asked me to get out of the car. they asked me where i lived, whats in teh bag, and saved my place in my book as i showed them teh sneakers and computer that were in the bag. they were very nice and apologetic. the whole situation was rather absurd. its a good thing i wasn't doing my arabic homework. or wearing my suicide bomber costume.
the book is about a japanese farmer

And then the following response from other former roommate G., who, and this doesn't really have anything to do with anything, is Armenian, FAB's second favorite ethnic group after Jews, and whom FABMommy consistently refers to as Palestinian for no immediately apparent reason:

strong work freedom fighter.

Strong work indeed.

As soon as I wrote my Dear John letter last week, John mercifully ceased and desisted without my ever cluing him in to its actual existence. I figured it best not to encourage any further correspondance by sending him the link. I told myself, surely he's gotten the message. Maybe he has finally given up hope.
But no.
I just received the following correspondance from Johnny, he whom we all know and love as John.

Subject: you got a cam?
Body: i want to show you my dick, you like big dicks?

So I'll put this question to you, dear Internets, now do I let him have it?

Tonight FAB recommends heading over to the Earl to hear Atlanta natives A Fir-Ju Well, Tiger! Tiger!, and Sugar and the Raw.

Also, for some reason we feel obligated to tell you that Ashlee Simpson will be at Earthlink Live. Do with that what you will.

Saturday night, if you don't have tickets to see My Chemical Romance at the Gwinnett Arena, then FAB recommends checking out Snowden at the Drunken Unicorn with Mommy and Daddy and Tora Tora Tora.

FAB also recommends checking out Calla and Celebration at Vinyl.

Also recommended is the Gang of Four show with Morningwood at Earthlink Live.

Last, but not least, if you're over in Buckhead, check out Ten Story Relapse with Tim Brantley at Andrews Upstairs.

It may finally have come to Britney's attention that the guy who ran out on his pregnant girlfriend and small child to marry her is actually an immature, free-loading, worthless piece of shit.

Fuck porcelain veneers, what we really need here are diamond and platinum teeth. Obvs.

Even the Conservatives start to turn on...Hey look! Terrorists!

Courtesy of Page Six: Which surgically-enhanced starlet ate Ex-Lax every day on the set of her recently-canceled TV show in a desperate bid to stay svelte? Ew.

AUC student shot to death at Northside and West Paces Ferry.

New high-tech coaster signals the bartender when it senses you need a refill.

Apparently yeo is illegal even if you're a supermodel.

Tired of Kate getting all the attention, Pete Doherty tries to start somethingt.

Clayton County digs up 15 pounds of Meth from some dude's yard.

Pitchfork does My Morning Jacket.

"So who were those faggots?"
Muhammed Ali, on meeting the Beatles and posing for photos with them in the early 1960s. (via Popbitch)

The Darkness find redemption. Smirk.

"When did we get to this place where we spend $1,000 on a bag?" Good question, Nina. But FAB still wants a Chloe Paddington.

McFly?

Yup, FAB arch-enemy Michelle Williams STILL pregnant.

Interestingly, what Monaco thought was a good idea - posing - on the way up in her career doesn't seem so hot now. No, I suppose not.

How did this happen? Wait, wait, don't answer that.

The Simpson/Lachey helper monkeys still desperately trying to carry on with the masquerade.

Tonight FAB recommends checking out My Morning Jacket and Kathleen Edwards at the Roxy.

Also Athlete will be at the Loft with Modern Skirts.

The Drunken Unicorn is hosting atlantashows.org's Katrina benefit with Electrosleep International, Cassavetes, and the Flakes. DJs Leslie Grace, Gnosis, Brian Parris, and DJ DJ Dylan will be spinning in the lounge all night long.

Preston of Kiss Atlanta just posted this recap on MySpace. For a little background, FAB will attest to the fact that Preston is 6'4", about 145 lbs, and rips around town in an electric wheelchair. Anyway, in his own words:

"Tonight [Tuesday], I find yet another APD cruiser parked in a handicapped spot. I inform the officer that he's in the ramp access for the adjacent van accessible handicapped spot and that he's also blocking the ramp. He says if someone needs it he'll move his cruiser... but until then he's going inside for some coffee with the other 5 cops that just pulled up. I ask for him to call his supervisor... he tells me to call them. I get frustrated and say "You can either be cool about this or you can continue to be a dick..." The other cops laugh and tell him he should arrest me. For using the word dick. I call his supervisor while he's inside. I sit behind his car taking pictures on my cell phone... he gets word the supervisor is on the way and goes to move his car. I'm blocking his way. He tells me to move... I refuse until his supervisor arrives... he drags me out of the way and then the 5 of them start to handcuff me and pull me out of my chair. I quickly tell them they'll injure me if they pick me up by my arms... so they laugh and say they'll have me sent to grady where I'll go into the hospital lock-up (with the psychiatric inmates I'm assuming) and I'll stay there for two days to teach me a lesson about calling a cop a dick. They pull my cell phone away from me. Delete the pictures I've taken. Hit ignore on the phone when my dad's trying to call me because I just woke him up telling him I might be arrested. Then they drop the phone on the ground and laugh how it's an expensive phone.

Supervisor arrives and asks how we can resolve this because it's going to make everyone look bad. I ask for a written appology. He goes over... they argue it out for a while... all the cops vow to back up the offending officer. The officer refuses to appologize and arrests me without taking me into custody.

I've just been arrested for Disorderly Conduct

DC-7 and DC-8...

one for refusing to move my chair while taking pictures of him trying to leave the spot... and the other for calling him a dick (apparently they considered those "fighting words" which is actually a violation of public conduct).

I go to court October 12th. The supervisor refused to write the officer a citation for parking illegally in a handicapped spot. According the the supervisor I spoke with... since the officer was on duty... only a grand jury can indict him for a crime commited on duty.

God Bless America folks...

... next Tuesday night... you bet your ass I'll be out drinking."

Love it.

Enter the Spederline sex tape. Actually, please don't.

Dine for America tonight.

Hey Joe, I think I smell a hit reality tv series here.

Lions, and tigers, and Janet, oh my!

Elizabeth Spiers sells out.

Fiona Apple vs. Fiona Apple.

An Oregon woman whose doctor convinced her that he could cure her lower back pain by having sex with her is suing him and his medical clinic for $4 million, according to legal documents obtained on Monday. I, uh, oh nevermind.

Gromit Gromit Gromit Gromit Gromit! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Pitchfork reviews the Sun's DVD-only album and finds it very eh.

Bono inches forward in his quest for world domination.

Franz Ferdinand are pretty sure Glaswegians can't live up to their superduperfantasticallyamazing selves.

Damon Dash gets into a brawl over, uh, editorial issues. No seriously.

The paparazzi are the new Jews.


Lindsay Lohan en plastique. No seriously.

Where in the world are Demi's boobies?

"It's insane! And it's Will Smith - like, ewww! He's just not exciting anymore, and half the weeklies don't write about him."

Anybody remember the OJ Simpson trial?

The beginning of the end of Eminem.

Tonight check out the third round of Open Mic Madness at Smith's Olde Bar.

According to Trent's midget spies, L. Lo has been involved in some sort of paparazzi-unrelated traffic accident in her fancy shmantzy Mercedes convertible.

L'shana tovah tikatevu to all you crazy yids. And to the rest of y'all non-Tribe members, Happy Fucking Tuesday!

Paris beginning to discover Hollywood may actually have a threshold for slutbag shallow antics.

In related news: pot meet kettle.

Hey, did you hear that one about how more Americans are getting fatter?

Broken Social Scene Broken Social Scene not half bad.

Guy Ritchie can't take a hint.

Josh Duhamel almost became the hottest dentist ever.

Gwyneth tries to see dead people.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah to Wichita.

Kate Moss achieves the icon status.

Hugh Grant trades in his foppish flop for butch lesbian.

L. Lo hates Haitian children.

Buy Britney's crappy crap for a good cause.

Jessica Simpson admits it was a while before she embraced her big boobies. World suffers no such difficulty.

According to the makers of Wonderbra, cleavage is back in style. Go figure.

Wilmer Valderrama strikes againe. And how.

Tonight check out Electric Six, the Woggles, and the Bloody Hollies at the Earl.

Our sincerest apologies for not mentioning this earlier, but we've busy figuring out how the hell we're going to write a thesis and trying to find the stacks in the Emory library (which for future reference do not seem amenable to getting it on, as opposed to the stacks at our alma mater which seem amenable to little else but getting it on). Open Mic Madness begins tonight and runs all week at Smiths Olde Bar. Open Mic Madness is a single elimination music tournament pitting 120 local musicians and bands against each other until only one remains. Unfortunately they don't seem to have a lineup posted, but we can tell you that Sovus Radio will be playing tonight at 9.

It seems to me that among those of us fortunate to live in the industrialized world and have occasion to overeat from time to time, there are two kinds of people: those who prefer to address the situation by taking a brisk and lengthy walk and those who prefer to unbutton their pants and lie prone or semi-prone on any flat yet soft surface. Oftentimes those in the former group are further afflicted by the belief that everyone will benefit from a arduously brisk and lengthy walk directly after chow time. Given this state of affairs, it is no small wonder why our merciful God who art just, blessed be thy name, would see fit to bestow upon my mother, an ardent adherant of the former world view, a child who wants nothing more than to stuff herself silly and then put on some sweats and lay on the couch in peace.