Fat Asian Baby

Can anybody provide IT support to a lowly Fat Asian Grad Student? The computer at FABHQ has gone all wonky and finally kicked some bucket yesterday. Fortunately I was able to restore old settings from Safe Mode and keep on plugging away, but somehow I suspect this may not be a sustainable solution.

For some reason I woke up this morning and was really excited to tell you all that Bone Thugs N Harmony will be at the Roxy on November 16th, and I just can't stop chuckling to myself.

Normal-sized woman to strut the catwalk at Jean-Paul Gaultier.
Tara Reid just wants a chance to show the world that she's a good actress.

FAB can't wait to get her filthy paws on "Matzoh Ball Gumbo: Culinary Tales of the Jewish South."

William Weld switches teams.

Judith Miller agrees to testify.

Sienna Miller may or may not have miscarried Jude's baby that she may or may not have been carrying. Oh the uncertainty.

Wild gorillas caught using tools.

Pitchforkers go all gooey for Amadou and Mariam's Dimanche à Bamako.

NYPost strikes Blind Item gold: Which soon-to-be-divorced celebrity carries on a secret life in the apartment above his garage? His wife put up with his same-sex philandering for years, but she finally got annoyed with his long-term relationship with a singer staying above the garage . . . Which restaurateur was dumped by a very pretty Asian woman? She complained that clinching with him was like "being crushed by a boulder and getting stabbed by a No. 2 pencil all at once" . . . Which handsome reality TV host rudely insulted two young ladies at the bar in the W Hotel in Times Square with ungentlemanly remarks about the girls' chests? He then called an escort service and was partying with a Russian call girl 20 minutes later.

Liz Taylor ready to join Richard Burton for some pie in the sky.

OK! magazine shells out another $3 million for Ashton and Demi kabbalah orgy.

Tonight FAB recommends heading over to the Loft to see Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and Mark Gardner.

FAB also recommends Magnolia Electric Co., Alasdair Roberts, and Anna Kramer at the Earl.

If neither of those options get your goat, Minus the Bear, These Arms are Snakes, and Criteria at the Drunken Unicorn promises to be a great show.

And as always, Kiss Atlanta will be doing it up at Decatur Social Club from 11pm-4am.

Critical Mass is organizing a big ass bike ride tonight starting at Woodruff Park at 6pm. Afterparty to follow at 97 Estoria in Cabbagetown.

Saturday during the day, head up to Stone Mountain for the Great Miller Lite Chili Cook-Off. There will be chili. Lots and lots of chili. There will be beer. There will be fresh air. And God willing, there will be Port-a-Potties. Must we go on?

Saturday night check out Stellastarr* and the Hourly Radio at the Loft or Tenement Halls and Machine Go Boom at the Earl.

Oh yeah, and Sir Elton John will be doing whatever it is he does at Philips Arena.

Tara Reid's "hooters are under control" which means that there shall be no more of this. Damn.

Kate Moss hiding out at Arizona resort rehab, the Meadows, until everything blows over.

L. Lo plans to show off her healthy new body on the cover of Vanity Fair. All of it.

Blur to record new album as a three piece.

Bridezilla gifts the country with a literary masturbatory masterpiece, "Shine: A Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual Journey to Finding Love." Please excuse while we step outside to vomit.

Valentino continues his shit-talking spree, this time targeting Julia Roberts, Cameron Diaz, and Lindsay Lohan. FAB can't wait for the backlash to begin.

The gays plan to erect a Kylie statue on London's Old Compton St. (via Popbitch)

Headline of the day: Arctic Ice Melts Faster As It Gets Warmer. FAB considers career as rocket scientist.

Charlotte Church thinks Halle's "tits are bloody fantastic."

It'll be a Ralph Lauren yawnfest for Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong.

Caribou jumps on the DVD bandwagon, announces tour dates.

Leaving Brooklyn Oy Vey!

Some hooha named John G. Roberts has been confirmed as the next chief justice of the United States Supreme Court. Anybody have any good idea who this chuckler is? Yeah, I didn't think so. Surely this should make for some fun times.

The computer is ill. We promise to return just as soon as we have a little chat with Dell.

Tonight check out the Decemberists and Sons and Daughters at the Tabernacle. If you don't have tickets, it's definitely worth hoofing it over there and begging because, as we mentioned last spring, the Decemberists put on one hell of a show.

Have you ever noticed how you can be sitting down and your nose is utterly, totally, and completely filled with snot, so you stand up to get a tissue and miracle of miracles, as surely as God parted the Red Sea to let his children escape the grips of Pharoah, it's like "Where the hell do you think you're going, foolish one? There's no snot here." So you sit back down again. Yet the second that you bend at the knee and plant you butt, lo do those floodwaters come rushing back as though to drown an entire generation of brave Egyptian warriors, clogging your nostrils, and utterly totally and completely impeding your respiratory efforts? What's up with that?

Tonight FAB may be checking out the Walkmen at the Earl with Mazarin and Rockwell. You can also catch Mazarin doing an in-store performance at 6pm over at Criminal Records.

We're horribly indecisive so we may decide to dance it up with Of Montreal at the Drunken Unicorn.

FAB also recommends checking out Coldplay and Rilo Kiley at Philips Arena.

Yes, my friends, life is about choices.

Fascinating new study on immigration finds "startlingly different pattern" than expected. Believe it or not, US immigration peaked in 2000 and has actually been declining ever since. Hmmm...I wonder why that would be. It's like totally on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't quite put my finger on it. Oh Oh Oh I got it. Wait, nope, I lost it again. Damn.

For your contemplative pleasure, here is a list of some upcoming shows at FAB favorite venue, the Earl, that are on sale now both at the Earl and Criminal Records in Little Five Points:

Wed, Sep 28th
The Walkmen with Mazarin and Rockwell. $12.00

Fri, Sep 30th
Magnolia Electric Co. with Alasdair Roberts and Anna Kramer. $8.00

Sat, Oct 1st
Tenement Halls with the Press and Machine Go Boom. $8.00

Fri, Oct 7th
A Fir-Ju Well with Tiger! Tiger! and Sugar and the Raw. $8.00

Sat, Oct 8th
Mono (from Japan) with Bellini and Lay Down Mains. $8.00

Fri, Oct 14th.
The Other Sound Festival
with: The Tom Collins (cd release show), Snowden, the Close, Citified, Blake Rainey, the Pyschic Hearts, and An Epic At Best. $7.00

Sat, Oct 15th.
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and Ambulance LTD. You know, I vaguely remember telling you to buy tickets for this show almost, oh, I dunno, two months ago, and you probably didn't believe me because you thought to yourself "it's freaking August and the show is all the way in October and it's the fucking Earl and when have I ever bought a ticket in advance for a show at the Earl?" Well I hope you listened to me, my dear friends because now it's SOLD OUT.

Thu, Oct 20th
John Vanderslice with Portastatic. $8.00

Sat, Oct 22th
The National with the Cloud Room and the Silent Kids. $8.00

Wed, Oct 26th
Orenda Fink (of Azure Ray) with Neva Dinova. $8.00

Tue, Nov 1st
The Clientele with Annie Hayden. $8 in advance, $10 at the door.

Thu, Nov 10th
"The Standard" record release show: Day 1 with Collective Efforts and Binkis and X:144 and SPS (regional DMC champion).
All hip hop format (4 decks on stage). $8.00

Fri, Nov 11th
"The Standard" record release show: Day 2 with Cadillac Jones and 45 Live Improv Set featuring a host of musicians and emcees
Art Show early with the works of Dosa Kim and Tyrus Smalley.
Live format (with 4 decks on stage). $8.00

Sat, Nov 12th
Magnapop with Sybris and Soft Collision. $7.00

Fri, Nov 18th
The Selmanaires (7" release) with the Oranges Band, Anna Kramer (7" release)and Shock Cinema (7" release)
$5.00

Sat, Nov 19th
YOU with Modern Skirts and De Novo Dahl. $8.00 ($1 from each ticket to be contributed to Katrina relief)

Fri, Dec 2nd
American Analog Set. $10.00

Yes, the Donald and Melania do have sexual intercourse. Yes indeed.

Apparently Suge Knight wants to quit the music biz and make an inspirational MTV movie about a coach who turns troubled inner-city youth into athletes. Oh wait, no, he's serious.

Pitchfork reviews FAB's most favorite favorite ever and finds its their most favorite favorite ever too. Word.

Video stream New Order's new DVD.

The Hives will release their debut DVD, "Tussles in Brussels," on November 14th.

The new Franz Ferdinand will be in stores October 4th. And you'll never guess, but they're working on a DVD.


"Our [online gaming site's] demographic clientele is males, ages 21 to 45. We did a real quick focus group with some of our customers to see if they'd be offended in any way, and the response was an overwhelming, 'Yes, please, get Kate Moss as your spokesperson.'"

Newsflash: Hollywood mamas are under a lot of pressure to be really, really skinny.

According to her mom, the Courtney Love trainwreck we all know and love to watch practically started in the womb.

Angie Everhart nearly starts a barbrawl. Yawn. Wake us when there's hairpulling.

Start the clock on the inevitable Killers versus Fallout Boy catfight.

Tom Ford has been tapped to work on Vanity Fair's bi Oscar Issue. Yes please.

In honor of their 25th anniversary, CMJ lists the 25 most influential artists shaping what "used to be called rock, then punk, then college rock, then alternative, then people started putting "alternative" in quotation marks, or adding "post-" in front of everything, which got just as confusing as calling certain bands on certain labels 'indie-rock'" music. What's particularly interesting is CMJ's assessment of who influenced each band and what bands they in turn influenced.

While they are peeing, the two figures move realistically. An electric mechanism driven by a couple of microprocessors swivels the upper part of the body, while the penis goes up and down. The stream of water writes quotes from famous Prague residents.
Visitor can interupt them by sending SMS message from mobile phone to a number, displayed next to the sculptures. The living statue then 'writes' the text of the message, before carrying on as before.
(via Boing Boing via JWZ)

Now why don't we get interactive public art like that here in Atlanta, Shirley?

Tonight check out Maserati, the Liverhearts, and Headlights at the Earl.

Oasis will be at the HiFi Buys Amphitheatre with Kasabian and Jet.

Leah, Russell Lissack, some douche

Please don't panic. Despite my failure to respond, I have, in fact, received all ten of your emails on MySpace today. Your first email at 4:39 pm was somewhat daft but charming nonetheless:

Subject: hey fat asian
Body: you are so beautiful, you like bacon cheeseburgers too?

I decided not to respond since, I suppose you failed to notice the "status" section of my profile, but I'm actually in a relationship. Can you believe it?? Nonetheless, the lady can take a compliment. Although another lesser man may have dismissed me for being so stuck up that I didn't answer, clearly you are not that man. Half an hour later I received the following email from you:

Subject: those are big asian tits
Body: i love it, an asian girl with big tits, thats awesome.

Again, thank you. I have been complimented on my ample bosom many times, but perhaps the conversation, if we may call it that even though there is only one participant, is getting a bit familiar considering we've never properly met. So again, I chose to ignore you. Yet somehow you seem to fail to appreciate my hesitance at striking up a relationship with you. Half an hour later I received the following:

Subject: do you like big dicks?
Body: you ever had a big dick between those tits?

Now, call me old fashioned, but I'd say that's downright fresh. Although I was tempted, and oh believe me, I was tempted, I decided that if I continued to ignore you, surely you would get bored and go away. And I was right. Or at least I thought. Five hours later you spewed this into my inbox:

Subject: do you like big dicks baby?
Body: i bet you could suck the shit out of a big dick

Which was followed shortly thereafter by this:

Subject: you love to suck cock dont you?
Body: whats the biggest cock youve ever had?

And this:

Subject: where are you?
Body: whats the biggest dick you ever had? you like them real big?

And this:

Subject: you like alot of meat baby?
Body: i bet you fuck so hard, your tits are perfect to titty fuck

And this:

Subject: do you like to suck them hard?
Body: do you suck them hard and make it really wet? do you ever take a shot in the face baby? you ever had your face painted white?

Now this last one actually made me stop and think for a moment. At first I thought you were making some sort of reference to my Asian heritage and how men have historically objectified Asian women with lily white faces. But then it occured to me that you were probably not making social commentary but rather were implying something about semen on my face. Very clever, John, clever indeed. I must say, I hadn't heard that one before and oh boy does it make me hot.
Ten minutes later you emailed me the following:

Subject: is your pussy wet?
Body: i bet you are beautiful on top, whats your favorite position?

And then:

Subject: do you like to lick balls?
Body: i want to feel your tongue against my balls.

Now John, I haven't heard from you in almost an hour now. Perhaps you've found a way to lick your own balls? Or maybe it was my frigidity that drove you away. I will admit, I was a bit perturbed by your attention. My boyfriend even suggested I email Tom about you, but I'm sure that Tom is a busy man. And besides, according to your Xanga homepage, you live right nearby in Marietta, and Tom, I am sure, lives all the way in California. What can Tom do? So instead, John, I'm writing you this letter. I know a conversation like this would be better had in person, but since our entire relationship has been based upon written words, I hope you won't consider this inappropriate.
John, it is over between us. We just weren't meant to be. I don't think we communicate well or maybe you just don't understand me. But either way, please forget about me. I do feel a bit guilty about ending it so abrubtly, so in an effort to ease the transition, I thought I would share your picture with a few friends.
Who knows? You make some pretty nice muscles. I'm sure the ladies go crazy for that shit. Maybe one of my friends will look at your MySpace profile and be inspired to email you. Maybe you will finally find yourself that big breasted sex kitten you've been wanting so badly after all.

Wishing you all the best,
Fat Asian Baby

Tonight FAB will checking out Bloc Party with local band the Tom Collins at the Tabernacle.

Why, it's a
big ass pink bunny on a mountain.
Yes, it is art.
No, you may not eat it.

:bats eyelashes and smiles sweetly:

Why it's yesterday's finals of the Great Shofar Blast-Off in Herald Square. Obviously. (via Gawker). It seems we're once again approaching that time of year where FAB needs to seriously think about all those bacon cheeseburgers and lobster souffles we've been shoving in our pie hole for the past twelve months.

Miss Laguna Beach unwisely baits L.Lo. Didn't she see Mean Girls? Jeez.

The water, it is pouring over the levees into the big New Orleans soup bowl. I can't quite place it, but this sounds vaguely familiar.

Kate Moss shame spiral continues.

What happens when a miserable romantic from California meets a mysterious gang of rock deconstructionists from Italy? When Xiu Xiu met Larsen.

Lenny Kravitz knows what's good on the menu at Mr. Chow - and, on Wednesday night, it was Alicia Keys. The strapping soul man looked like he wanted to wrap the hazel-eyed Hell's Kitchen delicacy in a moo shu pancake and devour her as they sat side by side in a booth at the E. 57th St. celebreteria. Um, ew.


WHICH hot-tempered leading man is being protected by New York's Finest? The cops kept secret the Asian call girl in his hotel room.

Britney sells baby Sean Preston to OK! magazine for a shit ton of money.

Mexico tests slimming powers of tequila's agave. No word yet on FAB's study of the intoxicating powers of agave's tequila.

Pitchfork not really feeling the new Echo & the Bunnymen effort.

Jennifer Love Hewitt fails to realize she's, like, totally 1997.

Foxy Brown to fix her hearing. No word on her music.

Andre 3000 to quit before 40 because "y'know, hip-hop and rock 'n' roll are totally about youth."

Tonight check out the Orphins, the Psychic Hearts, and Boulevard at Lenny's.

The Gates of Berlin, Parade, and Venice is Sinking will be at the Drunken Unicorn.

Maserati, Iron Hero, and Headlights will be at the 40 Watt in Athens.

Bob Mould and Magnapop will be at the Variety Playhouse.

Saturday night, Sufjan Stevens will be playing a sold out show at the 40 Watt with Liz Janes.

Son Volt will be at the Variety Playhouse with Earlimart.

The Posies will be stopping by Criminal Records this evening at 6pm to interact with their adoring public. And presumably give us some diddies. (via Spencer)

On Sale Friday:
Billy Idol at the Tabernacle on Wednesday, October 26th.
On Sale Fri, 09/23/05

Butch Walker at Earthlink Live on Friday, November 18th.

UPDATE: Ben Folds will be at the Tabernacle on Tuesday, November 15th.

On Sale Saturday:
Depeche Mode at the Gwinnett Center Arena on Saturday, November 5th.

The Dandy Warhols at Earthlink Live on Friday, November 25th.

Lohan-Duff rivalry revived at Teen Vogue Awards showdown.

Like a seasoned addict, Kate Moss once again goes on the Pete Doherty wagon.

Delta continues its descent.


Westlife wants to get it on with MJ.

Sporty Spice blames Spice Girls for her own crappy career. Fails to consider the fact that she just sucks.

Bar brawl leads to shooting at lame-ass Bowery lounge.

The Darkness' new album, One Way Ticket to Hell...and Back, is ready to go.

Dr. Phil less than thrilled about future daughter-in-law's Playboy past.

Apparently dumping tons of shit on Chicago tourists qualifies you for a Billboard Humanitarian Award.

Ali G backlash begins right. about. now.

Kanye West still more popular than Bush.

David Lynch to share his weirdness at $75 a pop.

Catholic Church bans gay priests. Child molesters still welcome.

Gainesville one of 20 fastest growing cities in the nation.

FAB was excited to read about the coming of public toilets to New York City. We thought that surely public toilets would surely solve our bathroom woes since we normally have to pee every five minutes or so. However, after living in Paris where free standing public toilets are in abundance, we're not so sure what a boon they will be to New York after all. Sure we will feel better knowing that they're there like a security blanket for any cas d'urgence, but we found that public toilets give us a claustrophobic icky feeling. Given the choice, we'd still rather "patronize" the commodes in obliging local businesses. Besides, the city is only planning to install twenty of the little fuckers throughout New York. Twenty? For a city of how many?
So if you're stuck in Manhattan and really gotta go, you can do your business in pretty much any Starbucks, Barnes and Nobles, or Grand Central Station. If you want something a bit more upscale, FAB recommends sauntering into any fancy hotel like you belong there and they'd better not fuck with you. Favorite pee spots include the Plaza, the Royalton, the W Union Square (which has the added advantage of being an excellent and most important location). Also, the bathroom in the basement of Henri Bendel isn't too shabby either.

Tonight FAB recommends checking out Prefuse 73 at the Drunken Unicorn. Do it.

When the doctor tells you to take several advil before your appointment at which she will forcefully remove bits of your person to look at under a microscope and you know that advil ain't gonna cut it cause you've done this before so you may as well make use of that vicodin stash you have thanks to a very helpful friend, but you've never actually ever used vicodin in a pain relieving capacity, just how many vicodin would be considered too many to take in this sort of situation?

Does the reunion of Sienna and Jude mark a Closer-esque shift in power in which Jude actually becomes Sienna's bitch?

FAB scary doppelganger Kimora Lee Simmons earned $17 million last year. Clearly FAB isn't doing something right.

Emory student body president inexplicably declares war on Wash U.

Some assclown(s) stole the Brian Jonestown Massacre's trailer full of equipment. In seemingly related but actually totally unrelated news, their show tonight at the Earl has been cancelled, just so you know.

Juice Box leaks all over the internets.


New Nirvana Compilation on the way.

Apparently Jack Osbourne gets laid.

"Steven and his wife [Kate Capshaw] have five children themselves and know some children for whom Ritalin does a lot of good. They took exception to what Tom said about the drug." Yep, we'll second that.

The Romijn-O'Connell engagement announcement comes on the anniversary of the Romijn-Stamos marriage. Take that, Uncle Jesse.

Yes, we have Korean food in Queens. Word.

A week after giving birth, she says: "I haven't done anything, the weight's just come off." And this is why we hate you in the sense that we love you but are just v. v. jealous.

They're unsigned wunderkinds, wait they're signing to a major label, wait no screw labels.

Lisa Dennison named new director of the Guggenheim New York.

How to turn your hamster into a fighting machine. Neat.

Pitchfork refuses to bow down before David Bowie.

Guy Ritchie seems to think his wife is immortal. In other news, his new movie actually sucks worse than his last one. Fascinating.

In other news, apparently John Popper is still alive.

The claws are back out between Tyra Banks and Video Vixen Karrine Steffans. Sweet.

Tonight check out Dungen at the Drunken Unicorn.

Peace (the fork) out to Simon Wiesenthal, a great man. May his memory be for a blessing.

And the post-feminist backlash begins right. about. now. Actually, 60 Minutes covered this story at least a year ago. And believe you me, FAB was paying attention because, as we may have implied, we have no career-specific goals ourselves unless we can figure out how to make a lucrative career out of eating, drinking, sleeping, cooking, reading, watching tv, talking, looking at shiny but rather expensive stuff on the internet, having sex, listening to music, and occasionally making recreational use of drugs after the kids go to sleep. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the only time I don't feel alienated from my labor is when I'm vacuuming or doing the dishes or maybe I just hate sitting in a cubicle or a cubicle shaped office. I don't usually admit this in public*, but I honestly think life would be quite grand if, at the end of the day, I raised some swell kids and had the most ass-kicking garden on the block. Any takers want to support FAB and FAB-as-yet-Hypothetical-Offspring for the next five decades or so? Seriously, I make a mean lasagne.

*Both FAB parents were horrified when I suggested I wanted to be a homemaker. And all the guys I know would be equally turned off.

Tonight FAB recommends checking out Keane and the Long Winters at the Tabernacle.

FAB also recommends heading over to hear the Fiery Furnaces and the Double at the 40 Watt in Athens.


Doves and Longwave will be at the Roxy.

Mike Doughty's Band will be at the Variety Playhouse.

Gina writes a magnificent cover letter that pretty much holds true for FAB except for the part where she actually exerted herself in a varsity sport and/or worked two jobs at one time. For Psychology, read: History. And, oh yeah, I took my daily quotient of jocks at Cannon's not the historic West End.

Your dog, he is hot and would much rather ride inside.

To promote the "Great American Trailer Park Musical," its producers have been sending out dolls of Britney Spears a cigarette-smoking, baby-toting mom that says things like, "Make mine a double - I'm drinkin' fer two!" when you push the button on her pregnant tummy.

A casting agent for Fashion Week runway shows is being accused of groping the crotches of two male models and then turning them down for the b michael spring collection after they refused to "drop their pants" for him.

Once upon a time there was a drumkit made of cheese. Yeah, you heard me, CHEESE.

Eazy-E compilation reissue earns an 8.0 from the semi-heartless demi-gods at Pitchfork.

BMG had to pay stations to play J. Lo's single.

Lara Flynn Boyle unwilling to consider acquiring boobs naturally by actually swallowing food.

The Furry One wants babies. Lots and lots of babies.

Word.

Apparently guys just need something interesting to aim at.

FAB wonders when Emory will get its own Anheuser-Busch Endowed Professor.

Kasabian to release live DVD.

Long-lost Titian to be sold at auction later this year.

Portia De Rossi: trendsetter

Vince Neil tears calf muscle at Philips Arena show. Make up Atlanta show date to be announced.

Midway through printing an undoubtedly scintillating 85 page document on financial management is not the most opportune time to realize that maybe you should actually have changed that dying ink cartridge yesterday, but today will be the day we finally learn to read chicken scratches because, God help us, we are NOT printing this fucker over again, amen.

This weekend marked the 2nd Annual Atlanta Music Guide Music Awards, a gathering of many cute white boys in blazers and allegedly edgily dyed rock 'n' roll hair who unremarkably start to resemble one other when all packed into a dimly lit room of Industry Types and the women who love them (the cute boys not the Industry Types). This year's show was fairly well-produced save for the atrociously irritating MC, Josh Rifkind. Kudos to Nick and Peter of Y-O-U for their amusing video clip interludes profiling the Best Band nominees.

Congrats to Heavy Mojo, A Fir-Ju Well, Family Force 5, the Gates of Berlin, Butch Walker, Tim Brantley, and all the other winners. May you have a better year than the Hiss, amen.





*Somebody please buy FAB a new digital camera and some html skills.

Tonight FAB recommends checking out the Double with Deerhoof and Hubcap City at the Drunken Unicorn.

On Sale Now Now Now:
The Walkmen at the Earl on Thursday, September 29th.

Al Di Meola at the Variety Playhouse on Friday, October 21st.

Matisyahu at the Roxy on Monday, November 7th.

G. Love & Special Sauce and Blackalicious at the Roxy on Friday, November 18th.

I appreciate the sentiment and all, but if you need to verify that I'm over 18 by looking at my driver's license, then please don't call me ma'am.

(via superlertive)

Dear FAB Friends/Family Who Still Reside in NYC,

I'm very happy for you that you went to that show the other night and sat on velvety VIP banquettes and got in for free in addition to probably getting free alcohol or that you saw David Bowie and the Arcade Fire in Central Park last night or any other number of cool-CMJ-only-in-NYC-related things. Your triumphs are my triumphs because you are my friends/family. But do be a dear and please never mention it again. EVER. It's not that I'm jealous so much as the fact that, uh, oh, nevermind. Atlanta is just lovely this time of year. If you need me, I'll be on one of those floating chairs with the double beer holder thingies paddling around my swimming pool by myself while contemplating my ungodly cheap rent.

All my love,
Fat Asian Baby

PS. Is it just me or does Win Butler bear an ever so slight resemblance to the enigmatic FAB-hero, Jeff Mangum?

Gwen Stefani upstaged by Naomi Campbell's Katrina Benefit. Hairpulling to follow.

In other news, British catwalkers catfight their way to the top. God bless reality television.

Almost three weeks after the fact, President Bush staggers swaggers up to the plate.

"America is such a young country, with an adolescent swagger about it." Actually, Gwyneth, that's just the
president.

An Us Weekly editor and former New York Post reporter arrested after offering to pay $200 for "sex with a YOUNG hottie." Yeah, thirteen is kinda young, buddy.

The over under on the Zellweger-Chesney marriage: four months.

Welcome to the late twentieth century, new national health survey finally acknowledges the possibility of same sex activity and that teenagers may actually be having sex too.

In other news, the CDC reports that more women, particularly in their late teens and twenties, are fulfilling the fantasies of adolescent boys everywhere.

In other news, Kelly Osbourne loves gay bars.

Ouch.

Pitchfork thinks the Dandy Warhols' new album sucks even worse than Ok Go's.

In other news, not only does he refuse to be seen with her, but Ryan Philippe thinks Reese's movies suck.

Indie rock ring tones. Indie rock. Yeah.

Sienna puts Jude on three month probation.

Before you head out for the night, take the Castleberry Hill Art Stroll tonight from 7-11 (via Mark Lusher).

Tonight FAB recommends checking out Four Tet, Koushik, and DJ Leb Laze at the Earl.

FAB also recommends checking out promising local act Sovus Radio, nominated for Best New Band in the Atlanta Music Guide Music Awards, at Lenny's with support from Kill Gordon, Manifest Frequency, and the Interview. Kiss Atlanta interviews Sovus Radio.

Tim Brantley and the Modern Skirts will be at the Ten High.

Saturday night check out the aforementioned Atlanta Music Guide Music Awards at the Loft.

Last night FAB finally came out of hiding to attend my first ever APWBWGTTD get together. While I'm not entirely sure what the unwieldly acronym stands for, I'm fairly confident it has something to do with blogging and boozing, two activities we at FABHQ wholeheartedly encourage, if not necessarily in conjunction. And unlike the last time FAB mixed bloggers and booze at a certain Gothamist meet up, we came away from this outing relatively unscathed, uninjured, and, more importantly not requiring several months of physical therapy. All in all we will count this as a success.

Natch. Because he's, like, totally the Leader of the Free World, wherever that would be. (via Scam City)

Heather Mills McCartney was left limping in agony after allegedly having her false leg knocked off by one of Jennifer Lopez's bodyguards during a fur protest at J. Lo's fashion headquarters.

Everybody give a hearty welcome to PMS Federline.

Get ready to be shocked and appalled: Kate Moss snorts lady snow. Are you shocked? Appalled? Yeah.

If your gas is over $2.90 a gallon today, it could be price gouging. FAB recommends the QT on Briarcliff and Shepards Lane.

Delta does belly flop.

Alex Kaparanos, Food Critic.

Lydia Hearst outgrows her britches. FAB doesn't really understand why we're supposed to give a shit about Lydia Hearst other than the fact that her last name is Hearst. But we would like to give her a hearty thank you for letting us come to her bday party a couple years ago. Not only was FAB the only person in attendance who looked like she'd eaten pizza for dinner, FAB also appeared to be the only one who'd even partaken in dinner or eaten pizza ever. Rest assured that we made full use of the top shelf open bar.

Naomi Campbell pitches yet another fit. Yawn.

The new Strokes album to be called First Impressions of Earth.

Oh Popbitch and your tantalizing blind items...This American film actress likes to spend much of her time in UK - but doesn't know her husband is shagging half of London behind her back. A conquest claims that as he climaxed he once shouted, "I love you, my dick love you, I wish I could rip my dick off and give it to you."

Kanye West still more popular than Bush.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah to play Irving Plaza on NYE. Tickets went on sale at noon, probably already sold out.

Tonight check out Beat Beat Beat, Das Manics, Shakes And Shivers, and the Vaticans at Lenny's.

Surprising exactly no one, the sour patch kids at Pitchfork like the new Iron and Wine/Calexico album and they really didn't like OK Go's Oh No.

UPDATE: His name is Preston Michael Spears Federline, ya'll.

Tonight check out Idlewild at Smith's Olde Bar.

Even though FABBro seems as though he may be on the verge of a breakdown with all the CMJ-related logistic madness that comes with his profession, FAB is more than a little jealous to be missing one of the most musically funnest weeks in New York ever. While we're normally more than a little, uh, bitchy and unenthused about most things, FAB loves CMJ because it is a balls out phenomenal opportunity to discover all kinds of new music you never knew you couldn't live without. And it looks like the Dim Mak afterparties ain't half bad either. So if you're in New York, hit up the shows and pour one out for FAB. A few suggestions: Nouvelle Vague, mewithoutyou, De Novo Dahl, Asobi Seksu, A Fir-Ju Well, Kaki King, Oxford Collapse, Mixel Pixel, the Octopus Project, the Fatales (FAB on the Fatales), the New Pornographers, Nightmare of You, Arcade Fire, Bravo Silva, the Fame, Of Montreal, Monsters are Waiting, the Jim Yoshi Pile Up, Blackalicious, Surefire, Five O'Clock Heroes, World Leader Pretend, Aesop Rock, the Sun (FAB on the Sun), the Hold Steady, the Brian Jonestown Massacre, Ambulance LTD, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, the Spinto Band (FAB on the Spinto Band), CocoRosie, Psychic Hearts, Hello Nurse (FAB on Hello Nurse), Coheed and Cambria, the Julius Airwave, Le Tigre, and oh my God so much more but I gotta run to class. Click here for the full lineups, schedules, and venues.

American universities reach out to students displaced by Hurricane Katrina. FAB obviously relieved to discover that, despite national crisis and tragedy, our own alma mater still has a huge pole lodged up its pretentious ass.

We're not exactly sure what the adultolescent model would contain, but FAB's hoping that Hannukah Harry brings her a Teddy Understands: Home Escape Unit. I could totally go for a bottle of whiskey, a yacht, and a house on le Cap D'Antibes.

Girl: What is all that screaming ahead?
Guy: Maybe they are doing a reenactment of September 11th.

--Ground Zero

Suit #1: How do you say S-H-I-I-T-E?
Suit #2: Shee-ite.
Suit #1: God, I've been saying S-H-I-T all this time.

--F train

Has the Spederline spawn arrived? UPDATE: As per usual, the Spederline spokesperson spoils all the fun of rampant unfounded speculation. Feh.

It turns out there's such a thing as a celebrity bartender.

Charlotte Church wants to share her ample bosom the Kaiser Chiefs' Ricky Wilson.

Portia De Rossi apparently unaware of the existence of Massachusetts.

Emory med student on trial for having sex with men without disclosing his HIV-positive status.

The Darkness plots comeback.

Salt-N-Pepa and En Vogue to reunite at VH1's Hip Hop Honors.

Fortunately, the Tyra Banks lookalike has found her calling as a porn star. Praise Jesus.

The new Echo & the Bunnymen to hit stores September 20th.

Elijah Wood tries to laugh off the internet's pretty much unanimous agreement that he likes to make sweet sweet love to other boys.

Someone done taken old fashioned mac 'n' cheese and, God bless 'em, had the ingenious idea of deep frying it.

"I hope the Palestinian Authority will come to its senses and not allow barbarism and vandalism to rule over the synagogues." Nope. Apparently not so much.

Pitchfork sourfaces do Sigur Rós.

Whatever the age is at which an American has the freedom to purchase cigarettes even though it seems she left her driver's license at home, which, incidentally, happens to be over 200 miles away, FAB has apparently not yet reached it. And the cashier will not be impressed when we tell her that Jimmy Carter was the Leader of the Free World (and isn't that funny) when we first issued into the world. And we will not be impressed when the cashier unconditionally refuses to sell us cigarettes even though we assure her that while we actually graduated kindergarten in 1985, even if we had gracefully flown out of our mother's vagina in that year, we'd still legally be allowed to purchase cigarettes in this country, for the love of Jesus. And the cashier will be further unimpressed when we curse at her and leave the store. Some of us operate less than gracefully on four hours of sleep. But I think they call this age adultolescence.

The Saddle Creekers are working on some sort of Katrina benefit compilation. Click here for tracklist and details.

The Double will be at MJQ with Deerhoof on September 19th.

Criteria will be hitting the Drunken Unicorn on September 30th with Minus the Bear and These Arms are Snakes.

The New Pornographers will be at the Variety Playhouse on October 17th with Immaculate Machine and Destroyer.

Bright Eyes will be at the Georgia Theatre in Athens on November 16th with Feist (who, if Paulie is reminding FAB correctly, is indeed only one person and does indeed suck) and the Magic Numbers, whom we know nothing about so we will refrain from further comment.

From time to time, even FAB enjoys a good old fashioned interactive brain teaser. (via A Socialite's Life)

For more info, go here.

Tonight FAB recommends checking out Austin four piece the Octopus Project at the Drunken Unicorn.

FAB also recommends checking out local acts Snowden, Variac, the Swear, and Spy at the newly reopened Vinyl.

The BoDeans will be at the Variety Playhouse.

Tasty World in Athens is having their eighth birthday party tonight with a little help from the Modern Skirts, An Epic At Best, the Ginger Envelope, Electa Villain, and Disband.

Sunday night MJQ hosts a Hurricane Katrina Benefit w/ Cee-Lo, the Gates of Berlin, the Hiss, Collective Efforts, Psyche Origami & more including art auction, raffle, and multiple DJ sets.

Tonight at the APACHE CAFE - ATL's B-boys, B-girls and Graffiti Bombers' Katrina Benefit features live bands, hiphop artists, DJs, B-boys & B-girls, visual art by Dubelyoo. $10 donation at the door. 7PM-3AM

Sponsored by MadClout Clothing and the ATL Funklords crew.

Finally, Fox News gets something right. (blatantly lifted from Planet Dan)

What better Fashion Week kickoff than a nasty catfight between Jessica and Ashlee Simpson and legendary photographer David LaChapelle? Our thoughts exactly.

Download HP1-6 on iTunes. You know you want to.

Download Bloc Party's Silent Alarm Remixed on iTunes. You know you want to.

The Britster has officially become a fat ass.

Naomi Campbell urges models to, like, stand for something. Or something.

Popbitch Blind Item: Which newsworthy Brit actor has had a number of secret sexual encounters with other famous actors, including a pretty-boy American chick-flick favourite,who is married to a feisty blonde actress?

Uppity Christians pointing the finger at the homos for Katrina devastation. How novel.

Weatherman blames Japanese mafia for Katrina devastation. How novel. Seriously.

Introducing ATL:MODERN. Neato.

Andre puts the kibbosh on Blake's most amazing comeback ever. Hey, we'd still do him.

Arnie puts the kibbosh on gay marriage legislation. How novel.

Adrian Grenier shares with the world.

Apparently the City of Atlanta isn't fucking around with that panhandling ban.

Brian Jonestown Massacre tour dates. They'll be tearing up the Earl on September 21st. Get your tickets now. UPDATE: Matt Musick is always raining on my parade. Feh.

Yep, Kanye definitely more popular than GWB.

Your Sufjan Stevens-related post of the day.

Introducing the iTunes phone.

Lorraine Ali really digs the new Black Rebel Motyorcycle Club album, Howl.

Rachael Ray, she of "30 Minute Meals" whom we love to hate and hate to love, is poised to take over the world. Just yesterday as we compiled a grocery list, FAB thought to herself, gee, we could really use a new bottle of "EVOO." I actually said, albeit in the privacy of my own head, "EVOO." I curse you, evil woman, I curse you.

And this tidbit about the second* best reality tv series ever thunk up got us so excited we had to call Snowskates in Baltimore to find outwhether she was aware of the wondrous new gifts that the Santa of Fox Television would be bringing his faithful little children during the fall lineup.

*FAB still thinks that the Teenage Tourettes Camp concept pretty much takes the reality tv cake.

Verily the tiny elves responsible for the New York Times food section are plotting pure evil and the ultimate destruction of the Fat Asian Baby. They have bestowed us with a preview of tasty looking restaurants that FAB can never hope to afford, set to open in a city in which we no longer reside*. So listen up, elves: Please stop. I am very hungry and quite certain that you are killing me.

*Physically, that is. Our legal residence status is another story entirely and, for our purposes here, of no consequence.

This evening, ART PAPERS' editor-in-chief will be moderating a discussion with "internationally renowned contemporary art curators" Maria Lind, Gerald McMaster, Philippe Vergne, and Hamza Walker. FAB is not entirely convinced that contemporary art curators generally suffer what we traditionally understand to be "international renown," unless they mean international renown within the arguably self-contained world of contemporary art curators and the contemporary artists and art lovers who love them, but at any rate, the event is free and is sure to answer all your burning questions about the present direction of the contemporary art establishment. ART PAPERS LIVE! A Curatorial Conversation, 6:30pm, Richard H. Rich Theatre, Woodruff Arts Center.

"Eminem said that he was finished with Mariah and that I could, you know. I thought I was gonna hit that, and then he didn't hook me up, so I ain't really happy with him right now." Don't worry, 50, there's always Iceland.

John Hodgman profiles Antony for the NYTimes magazine.

Defying all odds, Frances Bean may turn out normal after all.


Is Jacko trying to become less wacko?

Kanye West: probably more popular than Bush.

"The Dove Girls could be selling pretty much anything, since what people are really responding to is the attitude they symbolize: an unapologetic self-confidence so appealing that we're basically willing to overlook the shaky intellectual consistency of linking it to Firming Lotions." No, actually we had noticed. But we're pretty sure that's what gave it its super duper ironic street cred meta irony. So ironically ironic that it's almost ironic again. Or something.

Shaq packs quite a punch.

Clearly, the Gods of Pitchfork think that Bob Dylan is going places.

Mercifully, Jessica Simpson and her family were saved from Christianity by the spiritual haven that is LA. Baby rolls over in his manger. In other news, she's still too busy to bother with that pesky wedding ring, but everything's fine here. Move right along, folks.

The Clientele's tour to support their new album will bring them to the Earl on November 1st.

FAB wishes Sean Penn would shut up and go back to making movies. Please.

Brit Brit snubs Vegas gig.

At least someone still likes Lance.

Big ass watermelon.

Franz Ferdinand to release "Do You Want To" on September 19th. Stream the video here.

Aujourd'hui, l'été est mort. While Linda Evangelista may not get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day, FAB will get out of bed if you ply her with cheap beer and good eats. And oh did we ring out the summer with a bang. The weekend started with the rather dramatic last minute cancellation of the aforementioned Kill Gordon show at the 10 High. For the latest in Virginia Highlands melodrama, see here. After the beer-fueled drama came the beer-driven dance. Decatur Social Club pulled in their biggest crowd ever, raising lots of money and collecting tons of clothing and toiletries for victims of Hurricane Katrina.


I will not bore you with the minutiae of the entire weekend, so let me summarize the main events in bullet form:

Beer, Eyedrum, Stencil Art

Beer, Bean, L'Avenue

Beer, Swimming Pool

Beer, Grillable Flesh, Swimming Pool

Beer, 97 Estoria

Beer
Something somewhere feels like it's dying. And I can only assume it is my liver.

// posted by Fat Asian Baby @ 9:03 AM

Tonight Sigur Ros will be making pretty sounds over at Atlanta Symphony Hall. If you don't already have tickets, I'm afraid you're shit out of luck, my friends.

Oh yeah, and apparently there are also some sort of football games this weekend.

Tonight FAB will be checking out the lovely Kill Gordon at the 10 High with All the Saints and Tuju Belle.

The Liverhearts, Blame Game, and Sybris will be at the Drunken Unicorn.

The Cogburns, Stovall, and Anna Kramer will be at the Earl.

Wherever you kick off your weekend, all paths should lead at some point tonight to Decatur Social Club at Azul. PBR tallboys will be served for ONE FREAKING DOLLAR. FAB is so there. Also, in the Shabbos spirit*, the good people at DSC will be collecting clean clothes (folded and organized, s.v.p.) and basic toiletries for Katrina victims temporarily displaced to Atlanta.

Tomorrow night MC Chris from Adult Swim will be celebrating his birthday at the Drunken Unicorn.

Also tomorrow night is the Fark Atlanta party at Dave and Busters in Duluth.

*FYI: it is a double mitzvah to make sweet sweet love to your spouse on Shabbat. Just in case you were wondering.

Britney will not retire from the music industry after Preston London's birth. She will presumably leave the child rearing to her freeloading jackass role model husband.

Memo to Diddy: hip hop fans don't do crowd surfing.

Michael Lohan pens his own little diddies from prison.

FAB has spent many a late hour tossing them back at Paddy Maguire's, but I'm pretty damn sure I've never seen Angelina or Brad there. What gives?

FAB sure is glad we've been spending all our money on the war on terrorism and that whole Arab thing.

Even famous people know people who may or may not have been affected by Katrina. Outstanding. Well, at least they're stepping up to help with the relief effort, ahem, Mr. President.

And hey, we can all relax now: they found Fats Domino.

Introducing Betty Applewhite.

The New York Times travel Gods want you to visit Ocean City, MD. FAB had no idea that anyone at the New York Times ever heard of Ocean City, MD, and we're fairly confident that no one in Ocean City has ever heard of the New York Times. As it should be.

The White Stripes's September 27th show in Maryland will be webcast live on NPR.

Pitchfork reviews the new Black Rebel Motorcycle Club album, Howl.

Jenny Lewis gets heckled in Las Vegas.

Already On Sale:
Annie, the gays, they worship her like she's the new Kylie except that Kylie's still with us and even the hipsters dig her, will be at the Fabulous Fox Theatre on Wednesday, January 25th.

UPDATE: Matt Musick has so kindly pointed out that I'm a complete retard and didn't follow the link. It seems that Annie is a musical which I'm sure you've never seen or heard of before but is actually the charming story of a young orphan on the mean streets of Depression-era New York who is taken in by some cold hearted rich guy all the while holding onto the retarded dream of one day being reunited with her "real" parents. It is not, as I had naively assumed, Annie, Maker of Booty Shaking, Goddess of the Gays. Phooey.

On Sale Tomorrow:
Coheed and Cambria, Blood Brothers, Dredg, and mewithoutYou at the Tabernacle on Halloween.

Well shizzle my nizzle, Kelefa Sanneh, like, totally hearts Hilary Duff.

While FAB is certain we've all been overreacting about the threat of a gas shortage, I am as guilty as the next motorist of buying into the collective AJC-induced freak out and heading over to the local QT yesterday to fill 'er up (which turned out to be a 40 minute venture because I am a genius and waited until 5pm to decide maybe I should head on over. Have I ever mentioned my superior intellectual abilities?). However, while like Shoobie, FAB does think the panic may perhaps be a bit, oh, shall we say excessive, and verily the End of Days has not yet arrived, I do think that the coming energy crisis should be taken seriously. Sadly, once the present panic subsides, we're sure Atlanta, as well as the rest of the country, will mindlessly resume our gas guzzling business as usual. However, because FAB is nothing if not a pretentious and self-righteous asshole, I will say that in addition to being pleased that I opted for Emory over Tulane, I am also rather chuffed that I chose this snappy little number over this one*. Let's just say FAB should be set for gas for about the next month. Sweet.

*Not that the latter was ever really an option.

Tonight check out Moresight's CD release party at the Earl with the Blue Hour.

HalfMOON, Kill Gordon (acoustic), and All the Saints will be at the Drunken Unicorn with part of the night's proceeds going to hurricaine relief. Check out Kiss Atlanta for more information about Kill Gordon and All the Saints. If you can't make it tonight, they'll both be rocking out the 10 High tomorrow night.

The fashionistas at the New York Times are crediting Maddox Jolie with single handedly reviving the mohawk in its latest incarnation, what FAB and cohorts lovingly refer to as the fauxhawk. I hate to break it to Eric Wilson, but if he'd maybe wandered outside of US Weekly magazine over to, say, Europe, anytime in the last 14 months, he may have noticed that Maddox Jolie, or more properly, his stylist, is not so much an avant-garde trendsetter as he is just simply a la mode in Europe. According to, uh, anecdotal evidence, even Bosnian hairstylists, cutting edge as they are, have been sculpting fauxhawks of all shapes, sizes, colors, and stripes for the better part of the last year.


Like these guys I spotted in a Sarajevo club: